Why does my past relationship still hurt.

tec699

Banned
Dec 19, 2002
6,440
0
0
I've talked about this before: LINK

13 years ago I fell in love for the first time. I was young, stupid, immature, naive and self-centered. The girl that I met had fallen for me hard. She told me this and my reaction was "eh." She had fallen in love before so she was experienced at this thing. I never experienced love so I didn't know what to expect. Our relationship only lasted a little over a year and at the end of that relationship I literally turned into a monster. I'm not even going to go into the details...

I've been in relationships since then but the feelings weren't there. I also noticed that after the sex was over, the women that I was with would always turn their backs to me. It wasn't exactly the warmest response. In fact it was quite cold. It wasn't love.

So now I reflect back on that relationship and I know that this girl loved me because of me. That's so hard to find in today?s society and this makes me feel sad. I had someone that cared about me and I blew it. But... I was only 21 and she was only 18 years old. Maybe we were to young? Maybe I'm being to hard on myself? That 21 year old monster doesn't even closely resemble me anymore. Thankfully I've changed for the better.

I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I keep telling myself "It's been 13 god damn years! Get over it." Oh I try, but something will always jar me back to those days. Then I keep thinking about the time she told me that she loved me. It keeps replaying over and over and over...

Chasing that college degree hasn't helped matters. I gave up a full time good paying job to go to college and I now work midnight security at the mall making a measly $9.00 an hour. It's hard when your sitting at a job that you hate and it's 3am. I'm all by myself and my ex-girlfriend keeps replaying in my head. Oh, and coming home when it's beautiful is depressing. I want to go out but I can't because I need the sleep. I keep repeating to myself "one more semester until graduation. One more semester"

I'm going for a walk. :(
 

Aimster

Lifer
Jan 5, 2003
16,129
2
0
You're older than me, yet you are still young. You're getting your degree so you won't be working for $9/hour for much longer. Girls come and go and it was for the best that you two didn't stay together because obviously there was no chemistry if you acted like a monster. I think the reason you look back at this is because you being in the 30s working for $9/hour putting up with school have a heavy load on your schedule. You are obviously away from home (moved out) and the family support might not be there. All will be better when you graduate. You'll feel a hundred times better.
 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
5
0
Only one semester left. When you find somebody else you'll get over this chick. That it's taken 13 years is unfortunately not a good sign, but you can probably find somebody else. People have a tendency to make their memories seem better than they were for relationships. This is why so many people go back to dead-end ones time and itme again. You are probably looking back through rose colored glasses too.
 

moshquerade

No Lifer
Nov 1, 2001
61,504
12
56
hindsight is 20/20. we all have "what ifs", but don't let it cloud your vision as to what may be right in front of you.
 

Nitemare

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
35,461
4
81
You blew your only chance for happiness in life...



Now go get drunk and fughedaboutit


:evil:

Good lord you need to wake up and smell the coffee....12 years..WTFBBQ???
 

GasX

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
29,033
6
81
Originally posted by: Astaroth33
You. Need. To. Get. Over. It. Already.
no doubt!

You didn't love her, so why could this possibly be a long term issue for you?
 

iliopsoas

Golden Member
Jul 14, 2001
1,844
2
0
been in your shoes. 9 years ago, I was 24, young, ambitious and had never been in love before. I met a woman who was 10 years older than me. She's a vivacious, loving and wonderful person. Unfortunately, she was at a different stage in life and I wasn't ready to settle down. Unaware of my selfishness, I hurt her really badly.

Whether I'm in a relationship or not, I always look back at her with sadness. Treating her poorly is one of my few regrets. I've learned from it though.

You may never completely "get over" this as our experience shapes us into our current state. And that's ok. Learn from your mistakes and try to make the next relationship even better.

ps. if your partner turns her back to you after sex, maybe all you have between you is sex.
 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
5
0
Originally posted by: iliopsoas
been in your shoes. 9 years ago, I was 24, young, ambitious and had never been in love before. I met a woman who was 10 years older than me. She's a vivacious, loving and wonderful person. Unfortunately, she was at a different stage in life and I wasn't ready to settle down. Unaware of my selfishness, I hurt her really badly.

Whether I'm in a relationship or not, I always look back at her with sadness. Treating her poorly is one of my few regrets. I've learned from it though.

You may never completely "get over" this as our experience shapes us into our current state. And that's ok. Learn from your mistakes and try to make the next relationship even better.

ps. if your partner turns her back to you after sex, maybe all you have between you is sex.
Actually it sounds like IT'S A MAN, BABY!
 

KB

Diamond Member
Nov 8, 1999
5,406
389
126
You are suffering from Nostelgia. Our firsts are always looked upon as our best because we were young, excited and not yet disillusioned by failed relationships. If you met this person today and were to get back together, the feelings would not come back as strongly as you remember because you have already overcome your ignorance of relationships. You had best get over it and look toward new relationships. Good luck.

PS. When a girl turns over after sex they like it when you put your arm around them.
 

Nitemare

Lifer
Feb 8, 2001
35,461
4
81
Originally posted by: Skoorb
Originally posted by: iliopsoas
been in your shoes. 9 years ago, I was 24, young, ambitious and had never been in love before. I met a woman who was 10 years older than me. She's a vivacious, loving and wonderful person. Unfortunately, she was at a different stage in life and I wasn't ready to settle down. Unaware of my selfishness, I hurt her really badly.

Whether I'm in a relationship or not, I always look back at her with sadness. Treating her poorly is one of my few regrets. I've learned from it though.

You may never completely "get over" this as our experience shapes us into our current state. And that's ok. Learn from your mistakes and try to make the next relationship even better.

ps. if your partner turns her back to you after sex, maybe all you have between you is sex.
Actually it sounds like IT'S A MAN, BABY!

That would explain why the sex is different....He found Captain Winky

By any chance are you meeting these "chicks" in the same bar?
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
21,019
156
106
KB is right. The relationships we have when we are very young are highly fueled by hormones. At that age we have pretty simple lives, so there are few complications to muddy up the works. So looking back, they seem very appealing. But we also have to understand that those relationships aren't realistic. They aren't real adult relationships.

Instead of looking back with sadness and longing, be thankful that you had that time. Don't think "you blew it". The odds of that relationship having continued all this time no matter what you did are very, very small because people change radically from 18 to mid-20's. You said so yourself.

Hang in there for that last semester and start preparing for the new phase of your life that will come after you finish school. You will find that woman who is right for you.
 

Iron Woode

Elite Member
Super Moderator
Oct 10, 1999
31,081
12,590
136
Originally posted by: tec699
I've talked about this before: LINK

13 years ago I fell in love for the first time. I was young, stupid, immature, naive and self-centered. The girl that I met had fallen for me hard. She told me this and my reaction was "eh." She had fallen in love before so she was experienced at this thing. I never experienced love so I didn't know what to expect. Our relationship only lasted a little over a year and at the end of that relationship I literally turned into a monster. I'm not even going to go into the details...

I've been in relationships since then but the feelings weren't there. I also noticed that after the sex was over, the women that I was with would always turn their backs to me. It wasn't exactly the warmest response. In fact it was quite cold. It wasn't love.

So now I reflect back on that relationship and I know that this girl loved me because of me. That's so hard to find in today?s society and this makes me feel sad. I had someone that cared about me and I blew it. But... I was only 21 and she was only 18 years old. Maybe we were to young? Maybe I'm being to hard on myself? That 21 year old monster doesn't even closely resemble me anymore. Thankfully I've changed for the better.

I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I keep telling myself "It's been 13 god damn years! Get over it." Oh I try, but something will always jar me back to those days. Then I keep thinking about the time she told me that she loved me. It keeps replaying over and over and over...

Chasing that college degree hasn't helped matters. I gave up a full time good paying job to go to college and I now work midnight security at the mall making a measly $9.00 an hour. It's hard when your sitting at a job that you hate and it's 3am. I'm all by myself and my ex-girlfriend keeps replaying in my head. Oh, and coming home when it's beautiful is depressing. I want to go out but I can't because I need the sleep. I keep repeating to myself "one more semester until graduation. One more semester"

I'm going for a walk. :(
Oh dear Lord, it almost sounds like a parody of my issues with my ex GF from 12 years ago.

I have already decided how I am going to deal with mine. I will know more in a couple weeks.

As for your issue, it sounds like you need to see a counselor to deal with your issues.