I've talked about this before: LINK
13 years ago I fell in love for the first time. I was young, stupid, immature, naive and self-centered. The girl that I met had fallen for me hard. She told me this and my reaction was "eh." She had fallen in love before so she was experienced at this thing. I never experienced love so I didn't know what to expect. Our relationship only lasted a little over a year and at the end of that relationship I literally turned into a monster. I'm not even going to go into the details...
I've been in relationships since then but the feelings weren't there. I also noticed that after the sex was over, the women that I was with would always turn their backs to me. It wasn't exactly the warmest response. In fact it was quite cold. It wasn't love.
So now I reflect back on that relationship and I know that this girl loved me because of me. That's so hard to find in today?s society and this makes me feel sad. I had someone that cared about me and I blew it. But... I was only 21 and she was only 18 years old. Maybe we were to young? Maybe I'm being to hard on myself? That 21 year old monster doesn't even closely resemble me anymore. Thankfully I've changed for the better.
I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I keep telling myself "It's been 13 god damn years! Get over it." Oh I try, but something will always jar me back to those days. Then I keep thinking about the time she told me that she loved me. It keeps replaying over and over and over...
Chasing that college degree hasn't helped matters. I gave up a full time good paying job to go to college and I now work midnight security at the mall making a measly $9.00 an hour. It's hard when your sitting at a job that you hate and it's 3am. I'm all by myself and my ex-girlfriend keeps replaying in my head. Oh, and coming home when it's beautiful is depressing. I want to go out but I can't because I need the sleep. I keep repeating to myself "one more semester until graduation. One more semester"
I'm going for a walk.
13 years ago I fell in love for the first time. I was young, stupid, immature, naive and self-centered. The girl that I met had fallen for me hard. She told me this and my reaction was "eh." She had fallen in love before so she was experienced at this thing. I never experienced love so I didn't know what to expect. Our relationship only lasted a little over a year and at the end of that relationship I literally turned into a monster. I'm not even going to go into the details...
I've been in relationships since then but the feelings weren't there. I also noticed that after the sex was over, the women that I was with would always turn their backs to me. It wasn't exactly the warmest response. In fact it was quite cold. It wasn't love.
So now I reflect back on that relationship and I know that this girl loved me because of me. That's so hard to find in today?s society and this makes me feel sad. I had someone that cared about me and I blew it. But... I was only 21 and she was only 18 years old. Maybe we were to young? Maybe I'm being to hard on myself? That 21 year old monster doesn't even closely resemble me anymore. Thankfully I've changed for the better.
I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I keep telling myself "It's been 13 god damn years! Get over it." Oh I try, but something will always jar me back to those days. Then I keep thinking about the time she told me that she loved me. It keeps replaying over and over and over...
Chasing that college degree hasn't helped matters. I gave up a full time good paying job to go to college and I now work midnight security at the mall making a measly $9.00 an hour. It's hard when your sitting at a job that you hate and it's 3am. I'm all by myself and my ex-girlfriend keeps replaying in my head. Oh, and coming home when it's beautiful is depressing. I want to go out but I can't because I need the sleep. I keep repeating to myself "one more semester until graduation. One more semester"
I'm going for a walk.