Why 'compromises' in marriage aren't

dderidex

Platinum Member
Mar 13, 2001
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So, as I've mentioned in a half dozen threads, we are moving to the Portland/Vancouver area.

Wonderful, right?

Except....well, we need to find a house.

And here is the problem.

*I* want one of those gorgeous 900-1100 sq. ft. condos in the Pearl District of downtown Portland. No yard, small easy to clean house, very neat and modern, easy access to shopping and great dining.

*She* wants a house in the suburbs of Vancouver - 2100 sq. ft.+ and very much wants a yard she can garden in.

Why does this bother me? Can you picture a few years hence once the 'newness' the area and house has worn off? "I'm working just as much as you do, you need to help clean around the house more", "I'm working just as much as you do, you can help mow the yard and tend the gardens", "I'm working just as much as...."

And while it's true she DOES work just as much as me (and makes nearly as much - probably 80% of my pay) - HOW DO I HAVE TO DO THAT WORK?

I didn't WANT a yard!

I didn't WANT a 2100+ sq. ft. house that is going to be "so much work to clean"!!

Why do I have to get conned into maintaining stuff I *SPECIFICALLY* DID NOT WANT!!

*sighs*

So, naturally, we are going to 'compromise' which means, roughly, "we buy a 2100+ sq. ft. house in the suburbs with a yard and garden and I start working on stuff I didn't want to even have".
 

Linflas

Lifer
Jan 30, 2001
15,395
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91
About the only thing my wife and I didn't agree on in our choice of house was my loathing of HOAs. I wanted to find a house built pre HOA era so I didn't have to deal with these nazi wannabes and she didn't care one way or another.
 
L

Lola

i would honestly talk more about this because one of you will always be resentful of the other if you do not compromise more.

And that is not a good thing.
that is all i can say but try to understand where she is coming from and try to get her to understand where you are cming from without getting into a yelling match.
 

dderidex

Platinum Member
Mar 13, 2001
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Originally posted by: blackdogdeek
i'm sorry to have to say this but it doesn't sound like the best marriage to me.

I'm aware of very few marriages that last any amount of time where the husband unwisely overrules the wife's housing choices.

Women want to 'nest', I gather, and that's the one thing they have the most BIZARRE rationals about and are most strictly uncompromising about.
 

artikk

Diamond Member
Dec 24, 2004
4,172
1
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Sometimes, this is the only kind of compromise women recognize, a compromise favoring only their interests.
 

AnyMal

Lifer
Nov 21, 2001
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there's no win-win solution if both of you are deadset on insisting your option is the only one shopuld be considered. Only one possible way out - someone gives in.
 

thelanx

Diamond Member
Jul 3, 2000
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So work the other end of the compromise, make her aware of the extra work required and have an agreement that she will do a bigger share of the house work. (Make sure you are specific about the division of labor, ie who does what, otherwise the agreement is useless.) That way you can remind her that you compromised by getting the big house and big yard, and she had agreed to do more of the housework.
 

Spike

Diamond Member
Aug 27, 2001
6,770
1
81
We had sort of the same predicament so bear with me. We have been in our apartment for 2 years and decided we needed to get out of it and into a house. After looking for a while she tended to favor smaller houses in the city (Seattle) or around with yards and gardends. I favored townhouses a little closer in with no yards/gardens.

In the end we bougth a decent size (1600 sq feet) townhouse a little farther out and love it. The reason I used was the amount of work a real yard would be right now while she is in school and teaching and I am working full time. Plus, all the houses cost alot more if you wanted to live in a neighborhood that you were not afraid to go out at night in. In 5-8 years we will probably sell and get a house but for the time being this works great.

I'm not sure what you can tell your wife (or if you have been home owners before) but for us a townhouse was the best first choice as it helps build equity but does not give us alot of house work.

-spike
 

PingSpike

Lifer
Feb 25, 2004
21,751
595
126
I know where you're coming from on this. Its hard to deprive her of something she places so much importance on, yet you are absolutely correct that she'll expect you to 'do your fair share'. Can't you maybe find an ACTUAL compromise? Like a house in between with a small and easily managable yard?
 

Patt

Diamond Member
Jan 30, 2000
5,288
2
81
Go for the house ... you'll have more area to spread your stuff in. Sure, there is more cleaning, but if she is gung-ho on the yardwork she'll be happy to do it. Mine is! :)
 

Nebor

Lifer
Jun 24, 2003
29,582
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Get the house, burn it down, leave a note from the arsonist saying "I don't want to see your likes in the suburbs again."

Should work like a charm.
 

blackdogdeek

Lifer
Mar 14, 2003
14,453
10
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Originally posted by: dderidex
Originally posted by: blackdogdeek
i'm sorry to have to say this but it doesn't sound like the best marriage to me.

I'm aware of very few marriages that last any amount of time where the husband unwisely overrules the wife's housing choices.

Women want to 'nest', I gather, and that's the one thing they have the most BIZARRE rationals about and are most strictly uncompromising about.

my recommendation would not be overruling your wife.

compromise requires open discussion. in your case it sounds like both of you are unwilling to budge at all.

and as another poster stated, that would in either case end up in one person getting everything and the other getting nothing.
 

iwantanewcomputer

Diamond Member
Apr 4, 2004
5,045
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get her drunk, slip het some X, and tell her you'll do it only if she signs a contract agreeing never to move into that house.

at the very least, she will have to find a new house and you will get some damn good poon
 

PingSpike

Lifer
Feb 25, 2004
21,751
595
126
Originally posted by: thelanx
So work the other end of the compromise, make her aware of the extra work required and have an agreement that she will do a bigger share of the house work. (Make sure you are specific about the division of labor, ie who does what, otherwise the agreement is useless.) That way you can remind her that you compromised by getting the big house and big yard, and she had agreed to do more of the housework.

That was my first thought as well, but that won't work. The agreement will change. She'll whine she needs help. He'll remind her he didn't want anything to do with it. She'll resent him for not helping. He may not end up doing half of it, but he'll definately end up doing extra sh|t he didn't want to do.
 

acemcmac

Lifer
Mar 31, 2003
13,712
1
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Originally posted by: iwantanewcomputer
get her drunk, slip het some X, and tell her you'll do it only if she signs a contract agreeing never to move into that house.

at the very least, she will have to find a new house and you will get some damn good poon

whiskey.
 

Pliablemoose

Lifer
Oct 11, 1999
25,195
0
56
Buy the house & suck it up, if you buy the townhouse & have kids or need to move in a parent you'll have to buy the house anyway... Maintenance on a house isn't really that much more than a townhouse/condo...

Another option is to buy one of those home warranties so you'll have the maintenance covered except for the yard.

Then buy power yard tools, I recommend Honda & Stihl:D
 

scorpmatt

Diamond Member
Feb 8, 2001
7,040
97
91
Originally posted by: PingSpike
I know where you're coming from on this. Its hard to deprive her of something she places so much importance on, yet you are absolutely correct that she'll expect you to 'do your fair share'. Can't you maybe find an ACTUAL compromise? Like a house in between with a small and easily managable yard?

qft
 

Mucho

Guest
Oct 20, 2001
8,231
2
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Originally posted by: LolaWiz
i would honestly talk more about this because one of you will always be resentful of the other if you do not compromise more.

And that is not a good thing.
that is all i can say but try to understand where she is coming from and try to get her to understand where you are cming from without getting into a yelling match.

Thats about how I see it as well.
 

PanzerIV

Diamond Member
Dec 19, 2002
6,875
1
0
With women there is no compromise. Only doing what they wanted you to do to begin with will satisfy them. You're getting a house in the burbs, bro!
 

dderidex

Platinum Member
Mar 13, 2001
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Originally posted by: PingSpike
Originally posted by: thelanx
So work the other end of the compromise, make her aware of the extra work required and have an agreement that she will do a bigger share of the house work. (Make sure you are specific about the division of labor, ie who does what, otherwise the agreement is useless.) That way you can remind her that you compromised by getting the big house and big yard, and she had agreed to do more of the housework.

That was my first thought as well, but that won't work. The agreement will change. She'll whine she needs help. He'll remind her he didn't want anything to do with it. She'll resent him for not helping. He may not end up doing half of it, but he'll definately end up doing extra sh|t he didn't want to do.

That is EXACTLY the problem.

I know any agreement will change just because it's human nature. Her problem is that she is a workaholic - she LIKES to work. She always need to find a project, and work on it. She 'works' in her free time. You can't find yourself working on a house 'all the time' and somebody else NOT (because their hobby isn't "work") and not have some conflict.

I'd rather be closer in to the city, where whatever "work" she finds as a hobby is more likely to be something I enjoy doing, anyway (shopping for housing decorations or furniture, picking out art, etc).
 

ToastedMilk

Member
May 6, 2005
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Originally posted by: PanzerIV
With women there is no compromise. Only doing what they wanted you to do to begin with will satisfy them. You're getting a house in the burbs, bro!

Such an unfair, blanket statement. I know it's not personally directed, but it pisses me off when people throw out sweeping generalities such as all women this and all women that.

When we were house shopping I really wanted an older Craftsman in town whereas he wanted a house in the 'burbs. We talked a lot about the pros and cons of both and decided we wouldn't buy until we both found something we wanted. We ended up getting the house in the 'burbs because, in the end, it was the best fit for both of us.

When I wanted to paint the interior, I did. When I wanted a new kitchen floor, I installed it. When I wanted to refill the beauty bark in the front I found out where to buy and did it myself. However, we decided on paint colors together, picked out the flooring together, and decided together what size/color of bark we wanted in the yard, picked out new blinds together. You get my point...but I do the work because I want to and he doesn't because it's not his thing.

I have no idea why some women believe it's their job to pick stuff out and the guy's job to make it happen, but I know that nothing gets accompished without talking it through.

There should be a solution out there that fits well for both of you without you giving in completely. I hope you find it :)
 

TreyRandom

Diamond Member
Jun 29, 2001
3,346
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Originally posted by: dderidex
That is EXACTLY the problem.

I know any agreement will change just because it's human nature. Her problem is that she is a workaholic - she LIKES to work. She always need to find a project, and work on it. She 'works' in her free time. You can't find yourself working on a house 'all the time' and somebody else NOT (because their hobby isn't "work") and not have some conflict.

I'd rather be closer in to the city, where whatever "work" she finds as a hobby is more likely to be something I enjoy doing, anyway (shopping for housing decorations or furniture, picking out art, etc).

Not necessarily. I enjoy playing on the computer. My wife enjoys gardening. So she does what she enjoys, and I do what I enjoy, and there's no conflict. That being said, I still mow the grass once every couple weeks. Takes me an hour and a half to mow and weedeat. Do I "enjoy" it? No, but it's no big deal - I just chill out listening to tunes on my MP3 player. She does everything else outside - stuff I couldn't care less about.
 

Lonyo

Lifer
Aug 10, 2002
21,938
6
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Why not a 1500 sq ft house with a small yard a middling distance from the town?