Why Are So Many Guys Like This...

[montanafan]

I haven't been around much lately because things have been busy at work and because I've been seeing someone new. You'll probably be seeing more of me soon because work is getting back to normal and the someone new is starting to get on my nerves.

Why do so many guys get so possessive after about 3 months or so into a relationship?

I've always been single and I like it that way. I'm not looking to get married and I'm always upfront and honest about that. When I start seeing someone I always tell them that I'm not looking for a husband or even a serious relationship. I like my independence and freedom and nothing's going to change that. If he calls and I don't want to do something right then, it's not him, it's the way I am. I enjoy a lot of solitary pursuits. I like to sit and read a book, go hiking to enjoy the peace and quiet, fool around on the computer, watch old black and white movies and cry about them without someone making fun of me, spend time with my friends, etc.

Things always start out just fine. Then inevitably, the possessiveness begins. He starts calling all the time. He begins to act hurt at first when I tell him I don't want to do something right then or can't talk. Then it turns to anger, then he's apologetic, then hurt again, and on and on until I or he finally calls it quits. If he's the one who calls it off, there's always that one more call or visit from him saying that he shouldn't have and we should give it another try, but I know now after the first couple of mistakes, to always say no you were right to break up with me. He goes away with his ego in tact and I am relieved.

The thing is, this has been going on for the last 20 years and I'm wondering, why aren't there more nice guys out there looking for a lovely relationship with no commitments?

 

[tkim]

well...all i can say is patience. they're out there. at one point (NOT ANYMORE!!) i thought all girls at my age were sluts and stuff...but now after finding my signif other, i have nothing but happy things to say. i think it makes a lot of guys insecure if a girl is or seems TOO independent. i bet if you were always hounding them, they would feel the same way you feel about them at this point. i pretty sure none of this helped but good luck!

 

[SSP]

Add sex to your list, and there'll be plenty.

*not joking :Q*

 

[~zonker~]

montanafan... you're just my type of woman...

Independent and secure in yourself, capable of entertaining yourself... wanna get married? (kidding... really)

 

[Isla]

LOL, montanafan... you are the perfect conquest!

Seriously, I've always found that men go nuts over a challenge. It's one of the reasons I've had a tendency to keep my legs crossed in non-committed relationships and delay sexual contact as long as possible... it makes guys even more determined.

You are like the Greek godess Diana... nothing wrong with that, just try not to break too many hearts while you are at it.

 

[Pretender]

Wow, you remind me of me, except that I'm male and probably quite a bit younger. Good luck, us men are pigs 95% of the time, deal with it or become a lesbian

 

[montanafan]

SSP, add sex to my list of solitary pursuits?...LOL...I think not.

Congrats on your success, tkim and thanks for the encouraging words.

LOL@zonker! Thanks.

Hey Isla, good to talk to you again. How's it going?

Thanks for the compliments. The thing is though that I'm not trying to be a challenge. I tell them right off how I am and they always agree that it's fine with them. Then they always change their minds. I'd think that if they knew what they were getting into they'd know if it was something they could go along with or not. I don't know if they change or if they go into it thinking I'll change or what.

I've only found one guy who matched up with me and could handle the way I am, but after 6 really good years, he had to move with his job and I've been back to looking ever since. *sigh*

Pretender, actually, I'd say that I've been pretty lucky in that about 90% of the men I've gone out were really nice guys, about 5% were pigs, and the other 5% I couldn't quite decide.

 

[Isla]

It's good to see you back, montanafan... strong women are always an asset here.

You may be up front with them, but in the backs of their minds, they are thinking that THEY are going to be the ones who change your mind.

Hang in there... a kindred spirit will come along eventually... one who isn't trying to settle you down.


Different Drum Linda Rondstat and the Stone Ponies

 

[~zonker~]

Just had to share... e-mail from afriend this morning...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[fir3wir3]

not ALL Guys are like this.

actually in high school I think I was like this somewhat...but now I'm pretty much the exact oposite.

most guys hate to think that someone else is in control of something that could hurt the

 

[bobtist]

~zonker~, 95% of the forum population and I feel betrayed.

WOMAN-LOVER!!!

Oh wait, I guess that isn't so bad...

 

[kranky]

Sounds like they want to be more in control of the relationship. Maybe the men, after a while, feel like they'd like to have a little more control (subconsciously, probably) and pull those stunts in an effort to get you to bend to their will.

Of course, you could do it to them first. After a while, start doing those things to the guy, and when he starts to panic, you can gracefully back off and quickly retain the status quo you want while he thinks he is calling the shots. I wonder if that would actually work.

 

[Russ]

<< Why do so many guys get so possessive after about 3 months or so into a relationship? >>



Insecurity. The relationship is an affirmation of their masculinity.

Russ, NCNE

 

[SinnerWolf]

pretty simple really....you mentioned nice guys specifically. A nice guy wouldn't be a nice guy if he only wanted a friend with perks, a one night stand, or a prolonged/occasional fling. If you want someone who won't get hurt by rejecting their love, then get someone with a big ego. There's nothing wrong with being independant and introverted, but when you date a guy who is dependant on giving/receiving affection, pain will inevitably follow (for the guy at least) unless you return that attention equally. Nice guys finish last because most women (at some point) want a challenge and risk, not adoration &amp; commitment

 

[nullshark]

ding ding ding!

Correct for 20 points, SinnerWolf gets to go to the bonus round!

 

[montanafan]

Sinnerwolf, I think you'd be correct if this was that type of situation, but it's not. Notice that I used the word &quot;possessive&quot; which I do not equate with love or affection.

If I didn't care very much for the guy I would not be with him for at least 3 happy months with the hopes of many more. From my description you can tell that I am clearly not the type who feels they have to have just any guy in their life at all times to be happy. And there is plenty of affection given and received.

When I say possessive, I mean this sort of behavior:

Calling me several times a day even after I have told him I have something else I want or need to do.

Calling and complaining because I wanted to do something else that evening.

Not wanting me to talk with or spend time with my friends. I'm supposed to only want to talk to him on the phone and if I want to talk to one of my girlfriends of 20 years, it means I don't love him.

Refusing to send time with his own friends because it's supposed to prove his love for me and expecting me to do the same thing; even though I think it's actually a good idea and healthier for a relationship to have your own friends and spend some time with them.

He wants to spend every single minute of his and my free time together. Happily married couples know that doesn't work!

Always telling me what I should think and feel and do if I REALLY love him.


These things may spell love and affection to you, or perhaps you misunderstood what I was saying, but to me they mean he's possessive and insecure. And I just can't love that. And I certainly can't return that kind of attention equally to anyone. I'd think I had gone around the bend if I did.

 

[Pretender]

Sounds like simple insecurity and needyness (is this a word?).

 

[db]

lol, montanafan if you have a twin in st. louis she and i need to go get some coffee
hmmm, seriously though, perhaps these guys just can't understand a relationship like that and interpret it as rejection--you know, to their minds a relationship is either &quot;on&quot; or &quot;off&quot; and they can't see it any other way. too bad for them.

 

[nullshark]

He has issues. Or he's desperate. Or he's convinced himself that he's &quot;in love&quot; with you. I'd print this thread out and let him read it. Might drive the point home that, even though you enjoy his company, he's smothering you and that you need your space.

 

[sd]

Hello! The more time the guy spends with ya, the more he likes ya. He starts to develope feelings and wants to spend more time with you, wants to share more things together. Its a pretty natural thing that happens when people fall in love.

Do you tell these guys up front that you like spending a lot of time alone? Its seems to me that your not on the same page with these guys b/c of a communication breakdown. If I'm wrong then you must be such a good catch that they're afraid of you getting away.

 

[SinnerWolf]

i did misunderstand the situation a bit it seems. The only reason i said what i did was because you said this is a repeating pattern in your life. so now...You have to ask yourself, WHY do i attract these types of guys? Obviously the particular guy your talking about has intimacy issues and some severe insecurities. Probably has to do with his parents and how he sees love. I think that you also might have been stuck in a long term relationship with someone who consumed all of your time and attention. And you regretted losing touch with friends, and maybe even promised yourself to never do that again? I think it's a mutual thing, as all relationships are. But that's the type of guy you're familiar with, so it's the sort of man you seek out (unintentionally). I'm probably reading into this too much, but that's what i do best. Sorry if i'm too blunt, it's a habit