I really have the most delicious candy: Lollipops with bubble gum centers, juicy fruit-flavored candies of assorted colors and shapes, creamy chocolate bars with caramel and peanut toppings. That's just the tip of the iceberg. I have access to the top candy manufacturers in the world. I can use my telephone to dial Switzerland and they will fly me two shipments of their finest Milk Swiss. I can take a road trip across the country to pick up these really delightful jellyfish I discovered in this gift shop near Sacramento. I'm not kidding, my candy access is really unlimited.
And yet, whenever I find a small child to give my candy to, they always seem hesitant. They can have whatever they want... so why are they so afraid?
I'm positive that there's nothing wrong with my candy. I always make it a point to taste a sample from each batch before even considering distributing it to children. I analyze the scent, taste and texture with the finest laboratory equipment money can buy, to ensure that my candy is only of the finest quality. I wouldn't want my good name associated with any poor candy. Imagine what would happen to me if a child, eyes full of wonder and innocense, tasted my candy and began to go into terrible spasmodic convulsions? No, perish the thought! Only the finest candy for my little friends.
I must admit, it can sting my pride terribly to return home after a long day's drive with my burlap sack still stuffed to the brim with candy. Is my candy really that bad? I taste it and it's delicious. Even the saltiness of my tears can't deny the wondrous pleasure my candy provides my tongue.
It's always the same: by the playground, or the library, or the busstop, the mere mention of the word "candy" seems to make children quake with terror and run away. Imagine my horror, when one day while perusing a schoolyard for new young friends to offer my candy, a teacher, a TEACHER, yelled at me to leave the premises or she'd inform the police on me. Excuse me, but is it a crime to offer candy to youngsters? Can a stranger not share the happiness that is powdered licorice and sour balls with the future generations of this great land of America, Home of the Free?
More than hurt, I'm ashamed and dissapointed. With bated breath, I count down on my calender and await that one day in October when candy flows like a river of blood and children flush with these sacrificial offerings come to partake of my nectar. I take it all in, the giving and receiving of candy and open young hearts. This one day feeds me throughout the long days of drought ahead.
In the old country, it was not this way. Children would happily partake of my candy with no questions asked, at any time of the year. Perhaps, I was mistaken to flee across the ocean. Perhaps, the stories I heard of America's children were incorrect. Perhaps it is time for a change of strategy.
Maybe my mistake is not in my choice of candy, (which by all standards is sublime), but that the youngsters already have eaten their supple bellies full of candy at home and are in no need of more? Perhaps the lads would prefer toy airplanes? And the young ladies, bonnets or a pretty summer dress with ribbons and crocheted flowers? Would they then come for a ride with me and play in my car?
It's terrible, you know. It'd be a real shame if that's the route I'm forced to take.
My candy is really delicious.
Discussion Zen 5 Speculation (EPYC Turin and Strix Point/Granite Ridge - Ryzen 9000)
Discussion Intel current and future Lakes & Rapids thread
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