"I like a cold 'cause I get to do my favourite drug which is Nyquil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin. Why do you bother? Non-narcotic-sissy-pansy-bullshit! Nyquil's got the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package: 180 proof. It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday. See, 'cause when I got a cold I want something that's gonna fvck me up! 'Cause that way the blur seems interesting.
There's a daytime Nyquil and a nighttime Nyquil, drink either one you want 'cause your cold doesn't give a sh!t what time it is.
Nyquil comes in two colours: red and green. It is the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colours! That's right! Nyquil makes a dandy eggnog! Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it we had a fun sleep-over.
First time I did Nyquil it was 1977. It came on the market and I was there. I said, 'Gimme that!' It had a little nurse's cap on it, get rid of it, it's bullshit. If there was a nurse I wouldn't need the medicine. So I preceeded to drink the whole thing. Well back then they didn't have the warning about operating farm equipment! Obviously you're not supposed to drink it. I woke up three days later. I was in Rockville, Maryland. A city I'd never been in. I was standing in front of a courthouse, and I was married to a woman I'd never met.
But goddammit I could breathe again."
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