Philosophy from George Carlin
> >
> > 1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the
> > sweaty things.
> >
> > 2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
> >
> > 3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
> >
> > 4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we
> > still have
> > monkeys and apes?
> >
> > 5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he
> > knows where
> > all the bad girls live.
> >
> > 6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
> > "Where's the
> > self-help section?" She said if she told me, it
> > would defeat the
> > purpose.
> >
> > 7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters
> > wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as
> > mattresses?
> >
> > 8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his
> > hands with soap?
> >
> > 9. If a man is standing in the middle of the
> > forest speaking
> > and there is no woman around to hear him...is
> > he still wrong?
> >
> > 10. If someone with multiple personalities
> > threatens to kill himself, is it considered a
> > hostage situation?
> >
> > 11. Is there another word for synonym?
> >
> > 12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what
> > they do
> > practice?"
> >
> > 13. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it
> > all?"
> >
> > 14. What do you do when you see an endangered
> > animal eating an
> > endangered plant?
> >
> > 15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish
> > his wages?
> >
> > 16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
> >
> > 17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are
> > they afraid
> > someone will clean them?
> >
> > 18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he
> > homeless or naked?
> >
> > 19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> > 20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
> >
> > 21. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him
> > he has the
> > right to remain silent?
> >
> > 22. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through
> > bank machines?
> >
> > 23. How do blind people know when they are done
> > wiping?
> >
> > 24. How do they get the deer to cross at that
> > yellow road sign?
> >
> > 25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns
> > because they
> > taste funny?
> > 26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
> >
> > 27. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk
> > about other
> > people.
> >
> > More Carlin:
> >
> > 1. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
> >
> > 2. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
> > adultery?
> >
> > 3. How is it possible to have a civil war?
> >
> > 4. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
> >
> > 5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
> > drown too?
> >
> > 6. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still
> > be hungry?
> >
> > 7. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you
> > done?
> >
> > 8. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to
> > have a "S" in
> > it?
> >
> > 9. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead
> > of
> > "assteroids"?
> >
> > 10. Why is it called tourist season if we can't
> > shoot at them?
> >
> > 11. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it
> > because of that
> > song?
> >
> > 12. Where are we going? And what's with this
> > handbasket?
> >
> > 13. If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never
> > damaged during a
> > plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane
> > made out of that stuff?
> >
> > 14. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
> >
> > 15. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three
> > times, does
> > he become disoriented?
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