When should a person apologize?

[SaltBoy]

I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

For example, I just barely made a phone call to a co-worker, thinking that my headset was attached to my phone. I didn't hear anything and hung up about thirty seconds later. I then checked my headset and realized that it wasn't plugged in all the way. Sure, I had made a mistake but didn't mean to leave my headset partially unplugged.
I called him back with the headset intact; both of us had a small laugh at my expense, but I made no apologies.

In another example, based on what I've seen, I think the hip-hop culture is a detriment to society. If somebody can prove me wrong with cold-hard facts, then I'll change my opinion. But even if that happens, I'll make no apologies for my previous opinion.

Now, if I were to lie to somebody or if I were to cause an accident when I am knowingly driving recklessly (e.g. excessively speeding), then yes, I would have to apologize for that.

We all do or think things that are flat-out wrong, but we shouldn't have to apologize for things we do or think that *aren't* wrong.

Discuss.

 

[JSFLY]

Very interesting perspective.

I'm different. Sometimes even if I'm not in the wrong I will still apologize. Probably comes from my years during highschool as a waiter. Or perhaps I'm not so proud that I can't apologize without reason.

Hypothetical question: You get into an intense argument with your wife/girlfriend. Would you spend hours arguing over who is wrong and who is right? Or would you just apologize and make up in 10 minutes?

I think sometimes its to our advantage that we let go of our pride.

 

[meltdown75]

It's just too easy these days to slip in a little, "sorry 'bout that..." no matter what the issue. If it really hurts your pride to do so... well, it's not a negative thing by any means but you could be limiting your potential in various interpersonal relationships. ie. maybe once in a while someone is expecting an apology, such as your co-worker. You don't have to fall down crying and apologize profusely, but sometimes admitting a little bit of wrong on your part can give you better standing with the person in question.... just letting them know you are considerate.

I guess it's a pretty pragmatic view but I can never see anything bad coming of it.

As far as the hip-hop thing, well, you have your preferences and opinions on things like that and no one should have to apologize for those. I think it is more important the more personal the situation. Obviously you're not going to go around apologizing to every hip-hop supporter out there, that would just be silly. However if you were cruising in a car and your friend cranked some hip-hop, you could drop down something like, "I'm sorry but this music sucks ass."

Sorry to say this also but I liked the witch avatar better

 

[dullard]

I think you now have it backwards.

If you intentionally harmed someone, then no you are never sorry that you harmed them. You did it on purpose! If you purposely did it, you aren't sorry. You may be sorry that you got caught. Or you may be sorry that you are being punished, but you aren't sorry for the original act. If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done the act in the first place. Saying you are sorry in this case is just a lie. Lying is just adding insult to injury and the sorry is never sencere. Anyone can pick up the fact that you did it intentionally and the sorry will just harm them further.

I only appologize if I caused harm unintentionally. If I accidently step on someone's foot for example. If I purposely stomped on it, then saying I'm sorry is just lying.

 

[clamum]

I'll apologize if I do something wrong or cause harm unintentionally. Doesn't bother me to say it.

 

[slsmnaz]

So you don't want to accept responsibility for mistakes/errors you make? Sounds like a solid plan for life...

 

[Zysoclaplem]

I say I am sorry alot, just like I say thank you alot. But 99% of the time I don't mean one damned word of it.
Like when I am walking down the aisle at Wal-Mart and some lady is blocking the aisle with her basket and herself, I will say,
"Excuse me. I am sorry.", as I am trying to get by.
What I really mean is, "Quit blocking the aisle you fat b!tch."
It gets me what, when, and where I need without causing a problem. In fact, it makes her feel bad for blocking the aisle.
Same thing with me going out to eat. I tell the waiter "Thank you" for everything he or she does. It's their job, but I seem less rude, and will often get better service.

 

[DaShen]

You apoligize when you realize that what you did was wrong, and if the apology will not in any way hurt the individual.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: JSFLY
Hypothetical question: You get into an intense argument with your wife/girlfriend. Would you spend hours arguing over who is wrong and who is right? Or would you just apologize and make up in 10 minutes?

I think sometimes its to our advantage that we let go of our pride.

That is a good point, but it also makes you look weak if you concede something that you know isn't wrong. Most of the time, arguments occur because people really don't *understand* each other. People really *do* have the same viewpoint more often than we might think, it's just that they can't communicate effectively.

Luckily, my wife and I have learned to get along with each other despite our differences. I used to apologize for every stupid thing that I did, while my wife never apologized for her mistakes. I used to get really pissed off when she didn't apologize for not making dinner or emptying the dishwasher, but I've since learned to realize that she doesn't intentionally mean to piss *me* off when she doesn't do those things. She's usually just tired or plain "human". Somebody shouldn't have to apologize when they just need a break from the hectic pace of today's life.

 

[AgaBoogaBoo]

Sometimes, if saying sorry is all it takes to solve something, why not simply just do that?

 

[Kelnoen]

I say sorry if I inconvenience people much, or if a bump into people.

Not if it's not my fault tho

 

[ksaajasto]

I see where you are coming from, but i don't think that it would be too hard just to say that you are sorry. But if you are that determined, just don't say it. They can't do anything whatsoever about it.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: slsmnaz
So you don't want to accept responsibility for mistakes/errors you make? Sounds like a solid plan for life...

No, that's not what I mean. Sure, accept responsibility, but don't apologize. "That was my fault" != "I'm sorry"

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: dullard
I think you now have it backwards.

If you intentionally harmed someone, then no you are never sorry that you harmed them. You did it on purpose! If you purposely did it, you aren't sorry. You may be sorry that you got caught. Or you may be sorry that you are being punished, but you aren't sorry for the original act. If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done the act in the first place. Saying you are sorry in this case is just a lie. Lying is just adding insult to injury and the sorry is never sencere. Anyone can pick up the fact that you did it intentionally and the sorry will just harm them further.

I only appologize if I caused harm unintentionally. If I accidently step on someone's foot for example. If I purposely stomped on it, then saying I'm sorry is just lying.

I mostly agree with you.

But if you did intentionally harm someone, and really do regret what you did, then you should apologize. If the apology is completely sincere.

God knows I have enough pride for about three of us, but sometimes it really is better to apologize than allow anger and hurt feelings to cause worse problems. Knowing the difference is difficult.

 

[allisolm]

We all do or think things that are flat-out wrong, but we shouldn't have to apologize for things we do or think that *aren't* wrong.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

 

[DougK62]

You sound like an ass. If you plow into an old lady at the grocery store because you didn't see her you won't apologize? Pathetic.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: dullard
I think you now have it backwards.

If you intentionally harmed someone, then no you are never sorry that you harmed them. You did it on purpose! If you purposely did it, you aren't sorry. You may be sorry that you got caught. Or you may be sorry that you are being punished, but you aren't sorry for the original act. If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done the act in the first place. Saying you are sorry in this case is just a lie. Lying is just adding insult to injury and the sorry is never sencere. Anyone can pick up the fact that you did it intentionally and the sorry will just harm them further.

I only appologize if I caused harm unintentionally. If I accidently step on someone's foot for example. If I purposely stomped on it, then saying I'm sorry is just lying.

I mostly agree with you.

But if you did intentionally harm someone, and really do regret what you did, then you should apologize. If the apology is completely sincere.

God knows I have enough pride for about three of us, but sometimes it really is better to apologize than allow anger and hurt feelings to cause worse problems. Knowing the difference is difficult.

Dullard does bring up a good point. Mel Gibson for example - is he *truly* sorry for his drunken anti-semetic rant? I doubt it. He shouldn't apologize if he still feels that Jews are the cause of all the woes in the world. Is Michael Richards *truly* sorry for dropping the n-bomb on a few hecklers? Probably not.

But if either of them face the light, truly have a change of perspective, and recognize within themselves that what they did was *truly* wrong, then yes, they can and should apologize. And we should accept their apology if it is *truly* sincere.

 

[slsmnaz]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: slsmnaz
So you don't want to accept responsibility for mistakes/errors you make? Sounds like a solid plan for life...

No, that's not what I mean. Sure, accept responsibility, but don't apologize. "That was my fault" != "I'm sorry"

Saying you're sorry means you realize you did wrong and feel remorse for doing it. So you're saying that you realize you harmed someone but really couldn't care less. Good luck with that.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: allisolm
We all do or think things that are flat-out wrong, but we shouldn't have to apologize for things we do or think that *aren't* wrong.

I'm sorry, but you're wrong.

No, I'm not. And I'm not sorry I'm not.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

For example, I just barely made a phone call to a co-worker, thinking that my headset was attached to my phone. I didn't hear anything and hung up about thirty seconds later. I then checked my headset and realized that it wasn't plugged in all the way. Sure, I had made a mistake but didn't mean to leave my headset partially unplugged.
I called him back with the headset intact; both of us had a small laugh at my expense, but I made no apologies.

In another example, based on what I've seen, I think the hip-hop culture is a detriment to society. If somebody can prove me wrong with cold-hard facts, then I'll change my opinion. But even if that happens, I'll make no apologies for my previous opinion.

Now, if I were to lie to somebody or if I were to cause an accident when I am knowingly driving recklessly (e.g. excessively speeding), then yes, I would have to apologize for that.

We all do or think things that are flat-out wrong, but we shouldn't have to apologize for things we do or think that *aren't* wrong.

Discuss.

See, now I would apologize for the first scenario but definitely not the second. It all has to do with respect. I have respect for most of my co-workers...I have no respect for the hip hopsters.

 

[allisolm]

You borrow $1000 from your best friend and, when you pay it back, the check bounces. Your friend incurs fees from the check and bounces a couple of checks himself because he counted on your money. You don't apologize since you didn't deliberately do it, you just forgot something that drew your balance below $1000. Mistake on your part. Too bad for him.

You have to prepare the final quote to bid on doing a big project. Your company loses the contract because you accidently typed $200,000 instead of $20,000. You don't have to apologize because you didn't MEAN to do it, it just happened.

Yeah, I can see someone going far in life with this kind of philosophy. :roll:

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: slsmnaz

Originally posted by: SaltBoy

Originally posted by: slsmnaz
So you don't want to accept responsibility for mistakes/errors you make? Sounds like a solid plan for life...

No, that's not what I mean. Sure, accept responsibility, but don't apologize. "That was my fault" != "I'm sorry"

Saying you're sorry means you realize you did wrong and feel remorse for doing it. So you're saying that you realize you harmed someone but really couldn't care less. Good luck with that.

What we have here is a failure to communicate.

Of course I feel bad for the person that might have been wronged via a mistake that I made. I might even feel sympathy/remorse for the consequence of my mistake(e.g. "I'm sorry you accidentally tripped on the banana. Can I help you up?"), but I won't apologize for my action (e.g. "Whoops - I dropped that banana by total accident. My fault!") unless I knew that my action was wrong (e.g. "Man, I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have dropped that banana when I did.").

 

[ahurtt]

Originally posted by: SaltBoy
I've had a recent paradigm shift in my thinking (uh oh!). I've determined to never apologize for anything that I do unless I deliberately do something that I know was wrong.

Uh ok, I think you have it exactly backwards. Why would you apologize for something you did deliberately? And if you already knew it was wrong before you did it, they why did you do it? That kind of apology is meaningless.

 

[SaltBoy]

Originally posted by: allisolm
You have to prepare the final quote to bid on doing a big project. Your company loses the contract because you accidently typed $200,000 instead of $20,000. You don't have to apologize because you didn't MEAN to do it, it just happened.

Yeah, I can see someone going far in life with this kind of philosophy. :roll:

If I told my boss the complete, honest truth after what happened and completely accept responsibility for my actions, then I doubt they would even need an apology.

"You totally screwed up that bid!! What do you have to say?!"

A. "I'm sorry"
B. "I take responsibility for my mistake and am going to rectify everything as much as I can right now."

Which answer would YOUR boss rather like to hear?

 

[ahurtt]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: dullard
I think you now have it backwards.

If you intentionally harmed someone, then no you are never sorry that you harmed them. You did it on purpose! If you purposely did it, you aren't sorry. You may be sorry that you got caught. Or you may be sorry that you are being punished, but you aren't sorry for the original act. If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done the act in the first place. Saying you are sorry in this case is just a lie. Lying is just adding insult to injury and the sorry is never sencere. Anyone can pick up the fact that you did it intentionally and the sorry will just harm them further.

I only appologize if I caused harm unintentionally. If I accidently step on someone's foot for example. If I purposely stomped on it, then saying I'm sorry is just lying.

I mostly agree with you.

But if you did intentionally harm someone, and really do regret what you did, then you should apologize. If the apology is completely sincere.

God knows I have enough pride for about three of us, but sometimes it really is better to apologize than allow anger and hurt feelings to cause worse problems. Knowing the difference is difficult.

True. Sometimes people get upset and do things out of anger, fly off the handle, in the heat of the moment. Later they regret it and truly are sorry for their act. Then an apology is in order. They did it intentionally at the time but it was during a brief period when they might have momentarily lost control.