Stolen from Orsm:
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
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The International Olympic Committee today voted unanimously to award Barack Obama with a gold medal in skiing. The head of the IOC defended the award stating that they have never seen anyone go downhill so fast.
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Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Renee told the male manager of the Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that, Renee?" "Your eyes."
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One day, mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather gear, etc. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him..."
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A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the Eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a tepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.
Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself. She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behaviour.
"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?" "Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."
And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.
Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too! Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!" "Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."
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Tommy's house is packed with relatives for dinner. Grandpa calls 6 year old Tommy and starts asking about school, girlfriends and other stuff he can think of. After a while, grandpa notices that Tommy is losing interest in the conversation so he pulls out two bills from his wallet to see if he can keep him interested. A ten and a twenty dollar bill. He shows both bills to Tommy and tells him that he can keep any one he chooses. Tommy reaches over and grabs the ten dollar bill.
Grandpa is pretty surprised and upset about the unwise decision his grandchild made, pulls out another ten dollar bill to see if it was a mistake. Again, he tells Tommy to take one of the bills and keep it. Tommy grabs another ten.
Grandpa again is surprised and upset.
He takes Tommy over to one of the uncles and shows him how dumb Tommy is in choosing the ten over the twenty. Grandpa goes on and on showing every uncle and cousin and each time Tommy chooses the ten over the twenty. Grandpa finally shows the stunt to daddy. Daddy's quite surprise but doesn't pay too much attention at the moment.
A few hours later, daddy who is very concerned about Tommy's poor decision, walks up to him and asks him if he knows the difference between a ten dollar bill and a twenty. "Of course," answers Tommy.
"So why did you always choose the ten over the twenty?" asks dad. Tommy, with a wide smile answers, "Well dad, if I would have chosen the first twenty dollar bill, do you think grandpa would have played the game fifteen more times?"
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Guy goes into a pub and orders 3 double whiskies. Barman says, "Are you ok mister?" Guy says, "I've just found out my son is gay!"
The next night same guy goes into pub and this time orders 6 double whiskies.
The Barman asks, "What's happened now?" Guy says, "I've just found out my other son is gay!"
The guy goes into the pub for the third night and this time orders 9 double whiskies! The barman says, "Isn't there any one in your family who likes pussy?" Guy says, "Yes - my daughter!"
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