Epic thread.
And yes I do have the splashback issue as well. The way my toilet is designed, it's kinda like a V bowl with the water in the bottom part of the V, and it only has maybe 2-4 cups worth of water. The worse is pebble poop. This is the type where instead of a few big turds, it's like 40 cherry sized balls. Each individual one comes with it's own individual splash back. Kinda sounds like "bloop bloop bloop". It's like having a bidget.
You brought tears to my eyes! 5 minutes of LOL😀