What is your opinion on a relationship where you know you won't get married?

EvilYoda

Lifer
Apr 1, 2001
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It's always been a topic of conversation with people I know...I've been dating my g/f for the last 2 years and 1 month, I love her to pieces, she's the best thing in this world. But we both agree that marriage would be......difficult. I'm Chinese, she's white. her and my family don't get along too well. We have some issues that would conflict if we were married, but we're sure we'd work around it. But the thing is, we just don't really see this relationship going to that final state......but we don't see anything wrong with it. I want to love her while I can and spend the time that I can with her. Corny as it is, better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all.

What's your take on a situation like this? Your personal experiences? The last few days, I've seen some posts or talked to some people who really don't see a point in a relationship if they know it isn't going to last........and that baffles me.

EDIT: hehe, just realized this is the first thread I've started in OT, I think.
 

ThaGrandCow

Diamond Member
Dec 27, 2001
7,956
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Personally, I went through something like that a little while ago. I'd say stay with it. You may not be marrying this woman, but that does not mean you cannot still be with the woman you care about. Relationships are not always about marriage (granted it's a big part of it). If you are happy with the woman now, stick with her. As for the fact that you're chinese and she's white, that is really not a big issue in the grand scheme of things. Mixed marriages are very common now. For your families, honestly do you think that they would stand in the way of you being happy? Maybe they don't agree with your choice of women now, but if you decide to marry her, I guarantee they would warm up to her.
 

EvilYoda

Lifer
Apr 1, 2001
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Oh, I'm not considering breaking up with her.........I wasn't aware that I was insinuating that. But I was just curious, cuz personally I get frustrated when people think that I should stop it if I know it won't last......which is just a crazy idea to me.

Guess nobody cares. ^_^ Oh well, there goes my first attempt at an OT thread.
 
Nov 7, 2000
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Just enjoy it while you can. Perhaps in the future, what you consider to be an "issue" now will be a non-issue.
 

Keego

Diamond Member
Aug 15, 2000
6,223
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<< I've seen some posts or talked to some people who really don't see a point in a relationship if they know it isn't going to last........and that baffles me. >>




That's what I believe. I have 3 categories, friends, aquaintences, and relationships, and I treat all 3 very seriously.
 

coolkev16

Member
Jun 13, 2001
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Depends where you are in life. If you are in high school or college, then stay with her. You can learn a lot of things about yourself and others when you are in a relationship. However, in my opinion, if you are past college and have a career, then you might want to consider looking forward towards marriage, whether it's this girl of yours or someone else. It all depends. Maybe you should continue to reconcile the families if you feel this is the girl you want to marry
 

EvilYoda

Lifer
Apr 1, 2001
21,198
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yeah, I'm in college.....but some of the people saying that stuff were college students as well. Granted, they were all female, for the conversations I can remember, and it's pretty obvious that they had different views on life and relationships.

Yeah, if somehow this relationship were to go to the next step, I'd really have to do something about her and my family. her family LOVES me, so no worries there. ^_^
 

Anghang

Platinum Member
Apr 30, 2001
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depends on where the person is in his/her life...
also take into account that there are some people that just don't believe in marriage, but will live together as if they were married...

for myself, i believe in marriage, so i wouldn't be with her if i didn't think she was marriage material...
 

EvilYoda

Lifer
Apr 1, 2001
21,198
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heh, well I'm quite puzzling: Very proud of being Chinese, I'm active in the community here at UM, my family's fairly prominent in chinese schools around Michigan (Dad co-founded the currently biggest Chinese school in MI, only a few years ago), and yet, I've only dated 2 girls, both white. I hope to marry another Mandarin speaking girl, but as of right now, haven't found one that's "right" yet. Also, I started dating Lisa in high school, where there were very few asian girls.......whereas compared to here, whole new ball game. ^_^

But as for getting a white girl, it's no different.......on average, I'd say they're easier to get than Chinese girls, if you know them, and they know you. (The girls I like all seem to be very.....picky) If it's all new acquaintences, then it's hard to say, a girl's a girl.

I'm gonna post tomorrow if the thread's still around, since it's almost 4AM, and I have a 9:30 class. :) That, and I'll probably say something stupid right now, as if I haven't already offended someone yet.
 

Kadarin

Lifer
Nov 23, 2001
44,296
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Remember that marriage is an artificial institution. You're in a relationship, and once you're married, well, guess what? You're still in that same relationship.
 

Mitzi

Diamond Member
Aug 22, 2001
3,775
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I guess it depends on how you feel - if you want to get married and your partner does/will not perhaps you shouldn't stay in the relationship.

If you are happy staying just partners - then sure, why not.

I know quite a few couples who have never married, they are just as happy as the married couples I know.

 

Orsorum

Lifer
Dec 26, 2001
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My opinion (right now) is that if you know from the get go that it won't end in marriage, than don't bother.

If you're simply uncertain, than sure, why not?

If you're absolutely certain from the moment you met her... probably won't last, but sure as heck go for it.
 

virtuamike

Diamond Member
Oct 13, 2000
7,845
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I was in a very similar situation. In college, me Chinese, she Philipino, her family loves me, my family don't like her. Relationship lasted 4 years, serious enough that she moved in with me. Yes, the marriage question came up. And no, it wouldn't have been a happy ending, it sucks being in a relationship and having to fight for the right to be happy. So ultimately it ended because we couldn't go any further in the relationship (there was other stuff too but I won't go into that). In due time you'll get there, and at that time ask yourself if she's worth it, you're the only one that knows that, we can't tell you anything. In the meantime enjoy what you have because regardless of what happens you're always learning something from her so it's definately not a waste of your time.
 

MichaelD

Lifer
Jan 16, 2001
31,528
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EvilYoda<---what a great nick! I like cool screen names.

Anyway, about your question. This is indeed a hard one. You've been with her a long time. You love each other...but marriage just doesn't seem in the cards. Allegedly.



<< We have some issues that would conflict if we were married, >>



Issues as in both of your families not approving or issues as in stuff you've been arguing about w/her for two years? There's a difference.

I was raised such that "Family Approval" is very important. But as I got older and grew to adulthood and experienced things, I came to learn that basically, family is full of sh!t.

If you two love each other and think you can make it work, go for it. However, if doing so would put you at risk of losing the family fortune in your inheritence, than don't do it. I'm not being nosy...I don't know your family's financial state and I'm not asking.

But me, personally, I wouldn't give up the possbility of a sizeable inheritance/share in the family business for "love." Love is temporary. Money is forever. At least I'm honest! I know where my priorities are. They are in my wallet. :D

Back on track...I'm also the kind of person that will "ride this pony until it dies." IOW, I won't break up with a girl until it's really necessary. I.E. I just can't take the BS anymore...or something really bad happens.

If the relationship is just "ho-hum" but we still see each other and I'm getting some, then it's comfortable for me. But, my situation's a little different. I'm a little older than you (33) and pretty set in my ways. I also have my own place, my own car and lots of furniture and toys. I don't need a roommate or anybody to help me with bills. (I have the second job for that. :()

If you two really care about each other, and don't care about getting disowned by your families over some ancient Oriental/White stigma, then go for it.

If you two are comfortable w/each other, secure in the "thereness" of the relationship, but KNOW you won't get married, talk about it. Make sure all parties involved are hip to the situation and just roll w/it, man. Be w/your girl, until the pony dies. Then move on. Life is beautiful. Women are beautiful. Be a good man to her now and then be a good man to someone else later, if this doesn't work out.

No worries...you're young and not balding like someone I know. ;)
 

jjones

Lifer
Oct 9, 2001
15,424
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i say as long as the sex is good, keep on keeping on. relationships are more than just arriving at an end result such as marriage. it's about being with somebody; you don't necessarily need marriage as part of a relationship to make it worthwhile.
 

MichaelD

Lifer
Jan 16, 2001
31,528
3
76


<< it's about being with somebody; you don't necessarily need marriage as part of a relationship to make it worthwhile. >>



Well-said. Too many people today (especially young women) think that marriage is this "magic pill" of an experience. Like after we're married, we won't argue, sex will be better, your parents will like me and money will fall from the sky in great globs. Oh, and then they want a baby...RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW. My @ss. Don't get trapped! You'll lose your furniture, guitar, comic book collection and your sanity. Stay single. Cohabitation is the way to go.
 

AdamDuritz99

Diamond Member
Mar 26, 2000
3,233
0
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I think relationships are worth it even if marriage isn't possible. Have fun and enjoy life. You only get it once. (unless you believe in recarnation ;) ) As far as your parents, if you are an adult (18+), you really should stand up to them. Your parents don't run your life they should not be the reason you do or don't marry someone... it's about love. I lost my girlfriend that I love so much, and she loved me back, but b/c she couldn't stand up to her mother she had to break up with me. Stand up for the person you love. :)

peace
sean
 

Muadib

Lifer
May 30, 2000
18,060
889
126
As long as your gf knows that you have no intentions of marrying her, and is still cool with it, then go on and enjoy it.
 

Muadib

Lifer
May 30, 2000
18,060
889
126
AdamDuritz99 brings up a good point. Are you not planning on marriage to avoid the backlash of your family?
 

Hammer

Lifer
Oct 19, 2001
13,217
1
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Yeah, otherwise it would not be fair to her. It does happen though, some girls are great to go out with, but not the kind you'd marry.



<< As long as your gf knows that you have no intentions of marrying her, and is still cool with it, then go on and enjoy it. >>

 

EvilYoda

Lifer
Apr 1, 2001
21,198
9
81
Back with the land of the living......glad to see my thread didn't fizzle. :) But basically, our issues would just be randon conflicts of personality, nothing huge. Over the 2 years we've been together, we've hardly fought at all. And the reason for not getting married is partially family, but mine wouldn't be too bad about it. It's hard to say why exactly. ^_^

Basically, we're not having any problems, and I'm not really one to worry about the future, and neither is she, we'll worry about things when they come down the line (like around the summer time, we're gonna figure out what to do about college......she's going to be going to one, possibly UM, but possibly another). I was just curious what other people thought about the situation. Thanks all. ^_^

Oh yeah, she's aware that I don't think we'll get married, she agrees too, although we haven't really touched on the subject in a while.

Had to make a phone call, nap time before my 11:30 class. ;)
 

StandardCell

Senior member
Sep 2, 2001
312
0
0
I was going to type out a long answer, but I reread what you said and you mentioned simply that you didn't see the relationship going to that final state. If you don't, then you will continue to draw the ire of your families, of society for having children out of wedlock if you have children (not my judgment to pass, just be prepared for it), and loss of benefits associated with not being married (health care, etc.).

It really depends on how much you love her, but consider two more things. I know from some Ukrainian friends of mine that being of a common culture has removed a lot of stress on their relationship. Also, depending on how young you are, this likely won't be your last opportunity to have a relationship like this with someone either. I have been totally in love with someone that I knew with every fiber of my being that I wanted to be with forever, but when I stepped back, I really did see that it would've created certain problems that would've been insurmountable. Whatever the case, I wish you the best in any decision you make.
 

Grinchy

Member
Dec 29, 2000
163
0
0
Life is too short to spend with someone who you don't see growing with. Not marriage, that has nothing to do with commitment and progression in a relationship. But if you have stopped growing for some reason (and it could be any reason), then get out and start again. If you are still growing, what are you worried about?