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What factors help a person determine when they come out of the closet?

Abe Froman

Abe Froman

Golden Member
My best friends older brother, who is more like an older brother to be, recently came out of the closet. It didn't go over so well with his family, but I wonder if some of that had to do with how long he waited to come out. He is nearly 30 years old. I think that his parents may have been more upet that he was lying about dating women for so long.

Why would someone wait so long to come out? We all had a pretty good feeling that he was gay a long time ago, but he kept talking about women, so we just sort of forgot about it.

What factors help determine whether or not to come out?

Guilty by your SO
Guilt by other friends who are "out"
Guilt of lying to fam
Tired of lying
Tired of hiding your true self for so long?

If it is one of the latter, why would you wait do long before coming out then?

The family is a bit at odds over his coming out, and I am trying to console my buddy, but my lack of experience in dealing with this matter inhibits my ability to do so knowledgably. All I have been able to do lately is, be there for him.

Your thoughts?
 
Knowing why the guy chose his time to reveal himself won't help your buddy. Your friend needs to understand why it's difficult for him to accept, and deal with that.
 
I asked him...


His response was "I just did"

I don't think he was really ready to go into the details of it, probably due to the reaction his family had.
 
The 'why' is almost irrelevant at this point, though if you are really curious you can ask.

Your friend's acceptance of his brother is far more important. If your friend has trouble coming to terms with it how hard does he think it was for his brother to make this admission?
 
Originally posted by: MisterJackson
Is there something you want to tell us????
Click to expand...

HA - Unfortunately not. But I want to try to help him understand this by being able to look at it from a POV that isn't his own. But since I don't know anything about coming out, or how hard it is to do, I was looking for some insight.

Any help is appreciated.
 
Originally posted by: Abe Froman
My best friends older brother, who is more like an older brother to be, recently came out of the closet. It didn't go over so well with his family, but I wonder if some of that had to do with how long he waited to come out. He is nearly 30 years old. I think that his parents may have been more upet that he was lying about dating women for so long.

Why would someone wait so long to come out? We all had a pretty good feeling that he was gay a long time ago, but he kept talking about women, so we just sort of forgot about it.

What factors help determine whether or not to come out?

Guilty by your SO
Guilt by other friends who are "out"
Guilt of lying to fam
Tired of lying
Tired of hiding your true self for so long?

If it is one of the latter, why would you wait do long before coming out then?

The family is a bit at odds over his coming out, and I am trying to console my buddy, but my lack of experience in dealing with this matter inhibits my ability to do so knowledgably. All I have been able to do lately is, be there for him.

Your thoughts?
Click to expand...


my cousins uncles sisters son came out of the closest at our last Thanksgiving gathering via a note from Key West FL. I didn't know him and really couldv'e cared less.

-fish

 
I'm not gay.

Edit-I'm sure it's got to be one of the most difficult things to admit to your parents though since most parents would be extremely disappointed by the news. Then again, I guess it just comes down to how long you are willing to live a lie and deny who you are to those who matter the most to you.
 
Originally posted by: Abe Froman
What factors help determine whether or not to come out?

Guilty by your SO
Guilt by other friends who are "out"
Guilt of lying to fam
Tired of lying
Tired of hiding your true self for so long?
Click to expand...

These are all essentially negative motivators. It could also be that someone has reached emotional peace with themselves, or some other kind of epiphany that makes them want to reveal their preference to the people who are close to them.
 
Originally posted by: Abe Froman
I asked him...


His response was "I just did"

I don't think he was really ready to go into the details of it, probably due to the reaction his family had.
Click to expand...

How did he come out?
What took place?
 
It's called being in denial. Sooner or later it gets too old and the person worksup enough courage to face the facts.

Good for him for coming out. He can move on with his life. He's family will come around eventually. If not, he's better off anyway.
 
Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
Originally posted by: Abe Froman
I asked him...


His response was "I just did"

I don't think he was really ready to go into the details of it, probably due to the reaction his family had.
Click to expand...

How did he come out?
What took place?
Click to expand...

I actually really admire him for coming out, and how he did it.

He actually invited his whole family, and myself over for dinner. It was a really a nice gesture, and he broke it to them very gently, but in a way that there was no mistaking his message for anything else.

But they come form an ethnic culture where the (dare I say) Macho/manly men are the dominant men. So it wasn't well received. It isn't as though they aren't on speaking terms, but you can tell that unforutnately, his family treats him differently with this new found knowledge of his lifestyle.
 
Originally posted by: Abe Froman
Originally posted by: Zysoclaplem
Originally posted by: Abe Froman
I asked him...


His response was "I just did"

I don't think he was really ready to go into the details of it, probably due to the reaction his family had.
Click to expand...

How did he come out?
What took place?
Click to expand...

I actually really admire him for coming out, and how he did it.

He actually invited his whole family, and myself over for dinner. It was a really a nice gesture, and he broke it to them very gently, but in a way that there was no mistaking his message for anything else.

But they come form an ethnic culture where the (dare I say) Macho/manly men are the dominant men. So it wasn't well received. It isn't as though they aren't on speaking terms, but you can tell that unforutnately, his family treats him differently with this new found knowledge of his lifestyle.
Click to expand...
Give it a chance to sink in. Soon enough they will cope and realize their love for him hasn't changed.
 
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