What do you think the prerequisites should be for a marriage?

[imported_Tomato]

What do you think the prerequisites should be, if any, for two people to get married?

I talked to my parents last night, and they don't support my fiance and I getting married unless:

1. We both have stable, secure, well-paying jobs.

2. We can afford a home.

3. We're ready for kids.

Right now, he's a PhD student (won't graduate for 4-5 more years) and I plan on going back to school for a graduate degree as well. (hello, loans and struggling)

To my parents, it doesn't make sense to marry just for love and love alone. My parents fear 4-5 years from now, my fiance might divorce me and leave me cold. Personally, I don't see the difference between my being single/married/divorced in that situation... it would still suck, but our marital status really wouldn't have an impact one way or another should that happen. As long as we don't have kids until we're financially stable (which we don't plan to), I don't see anything wrong with it since we're in love and committed to each other.

I can see my parents' point, and I understand why they worry. Still, I would hope that love alone would be a good enough reason - is this unrealistic and overly romatic, overlooking what my parents see as the harsh realities of life?

My parents are appalled at the thought of two struggling grad students married, and are much more comfortable with the idea of two successful young professionals married, with a solid financial foundation for the future. In the end, in their eyes, it all comes down to money and whether or not I'll be okay to stand alone should the worst case scenario happen.

Your thoughts?

 

[notfred]

Knowing each other for more than 6 months is one of them.

 

[KLin]

I think your parents are paranoid and being overprotective. Marriage isn't about having money, marriage is about 2 people that love each other.

 

[purbeast0]

i picked other. it would be that you are in love and that you are financially stable. i dont' think having a house is necessary, as you could easily rent an apartment. i also don't think having kids has anything to do with it. som epeople just don't want to have kids, that doesnt mean they should not get married. i think the #1 though is to make sure you are %100 completely in love with the other person. however, i also do agree that you should be financially stable, in that you aren't struggling just to pay for food + board for yourself and your spouse.

 

[LordThing]

Large.......tracks of land.

 

[maziwanka]

its all about the love

 

[rh71]

Living together in any way, shape, or form for at least 1 month.

Test drive, ya know ? Some people get married and live together only to find out their everyday tendencies gets on the others' nerves... something not easily revealed on date nights or weekend stays.

I think everything else like finances and career direction, etc. can be worked out.

 

[bradruth]

I agree with the financial stability part. One thing my parents always said was "love doesn't pay the bills." The more difficult your financial situation is, the more problems your relationship will have. A LOT of fights that couples have involve money, and we've seen spikes of domestic disturbances around tax time & even routine paydays.

All you'd really need for a home is an apartment at this point, I would imagine. And unless you're in a rush to have kids (which probably wouldn't be a good idea) you shouldn't need the prereqs for having them just yet.

 

[new2AMD]

If you have to ask...dont get married

 

[Hankerton]

There's nothing wrong with getting married, but whats the hurry? Wouldn't you rather be financially stable so you could afford a proper wedding, etc?

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: KLin
I think your parents are paranoid and being overprotective. Marriage isn't about having money, marriage is about 2 people that love each other.

I agree with you, KLin. My parents are originally from China, and my mother married my father because she knew he could provide for her, and my father married my mother because he had a job and a house and was ready to settle down. They tell me they didn't marry for love, but are happy with each other and with how their lives have gone.

They always tell me that love fades, but security never does... unfortunately, I don't see much point to marrying someone unless I love them, and if I love someone I feel we can work through anything, financial troubles, etc. I certainly don't plan to struggle forever and I know my fiance doesn't either, we just have to finish school before moving on to that next level. My parents don't understand why we can't just wait... but 4-5 years is a long time, and we're ready now.

I guess it's a matter of different beliefs from different cultures and different times... I'm just wondering which set of beliefs is most prevalent.

 

[Pliablemoose]

Your thoughts?

Asian parents & disapproval=tough marriage

 

[Bateluer]

While being in love and committed should definitely rank high on the list, getting married when you know you're both going to be struggling financially for about 5 years is not a good plan.

The most common cause of divorce and spousal abuse in the the USA is money. If both spouses are short of cash, then stress and tension are going to run high at some point. Its a recipe for a disaster.

If you really love and are committed to each other, then waiting until you are both stable and ready financially to get married is a good idea.

Ruining a potentially fruitful relationship before it even starts over something as trivial as money is kinda stupid.

 

[anxi80]

personally, i wouldnt feel comfortable enough to get married unless i met every one of those criteria set by your parents. well, perhaps not the kids one so much.

i see friends who marry young having to move back in with their parents, and struggling to make a living. working opposite hours and never seeing each other, watching what they spend. in fact, i already know a few friends who are already divorced and are now single parents. and these people are the same age as me. these people ive known and grown up with, just cant accept responsibility, even after all these years and put themselves in these tight jams. i figure im still young, im just going to enjoy life for the time-being and worry about that stuff a little bit down the road.

 

[rh71]

By the way, in your case, Tomato... just stay engaged for a longer time. Getting married is no huge benefit unless you want kids NOW. We were engaged for 2 years before even starting to plan for the big day. Now that the big day has passed, we feel no different (except for the small tax break). Stay engaged and work things out together first... especially if school is still in the equation.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: bradruth
I agree with the financial stability part. One thing my parents always said was "love doesn't pay the bills." The more difficult your financial situation is, the more problems your relationship will have. A LOT of fights that couples have involve money, and we've seen spikes of domestic disturbances around tax time & even routine paydays.

All you'd really need for a home is an apartment at this point, I would imagine. And unless you're in a rush to have kids (which probably wouldn't be a good idea) you shouldn't need the prereqs for having them just yet.

You have a point, bradruth... I know that with couples who are struggling financially, there are many more fights, a lot more tension and a number of disagreements. Being financially stable would minimize that stress, but I also know a number of very well-off, very unhappy couples. I guess best-case scenario is financially stable + in love, but I think really being in love can work out, too.

Right now, we have an apartment and have been living together for about four months (engaged for almost eight). rh71, we haven't killed each other yet, so I don't think our respective living habits are a big problem. I'm know finances, etc. can be worked out, and I wish there was a way I could explain that to my parents.

 

[Feldenak]

Originally posted by: notfred
Knowing each other for more than 6 months is one of them.

 

[imported_Tomato]

Originally posted by: Pliablemoose
Your thoughts?

Asian parents & disapproval=tough marriage

Agreed. I really don't want to get married without my parents' approval and blessing, but we've butted heads from day one about the relationship. If it isn't the cultural differences (why can't you marry a nice Chinese boy?), it's the finances. *sigh*

 

[SacrosanctFiend]

Financially stable/Similar views on money management (Money is a major cause of divorce)
Love
Similar views on kids and disciplinary actions

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

Well, in my religion, you are only to have as many children as you can afford to feed and educate. So that's one trick. Get married before you are ready, fine. But why get married if you are not ready for kids?

I can see my parents' point, and I understand why they worry. Still, I would hope that love alone would be a good enough reason - is this unrealistic and overly romatic, overlooking what my parents see as the harsh realities of life?

To be totally honest. You do not understand what you are getting yourself into until you graduate and get jobs. In a way, you are still sheltered. You have no idea whath te real world is like. You are going to have to learn about saving money, investing your money, paying bills, handling a mortgage, commuting,, getting up to speed at your employer, etc. You should learn to live and support yourself before marriage is even a remote possiblity. Your parents are wiser than you and it would be wise to listen to them.

What do you think the prerequisites should be, if any, for two people to get married?

1. We both have stable, secure jobs. (not well paying neccessarily)
2. We can afford a home.
3. 100% done with your schooling.
4. You understand that you are ready to give up all of your friends
5. You don't want to go out to bars.

 

[purbeast0]

Originally posted by: Tomato

Originally posted by: KLin
I think your parents are paranoid and being overprotective. Marriage isn't about having money, marriage is about 2 people that love each other.

I agree with you, KLin. My parents are originally from China, and my mother married my father because she knew he could provide for her, and my father married my mother because he had a job and a house and was ready to settle down. They tell me they didn't marry for love, but are happy with each other and with how their lives have gone.

They always tell me that love fades, but security never does... unfortunately, I don't see much point to marrying someone unless I love them, and if I love someone I feel we can work through anything, financial troubles, etc. I certainly don't plan to struggle forever and I know my fiance doesn't either, we just have to finish school before moving on to that next level. My parents don't understand why we can't just wait... but 4-5 years is a long time, and we're ready now.

I guess it's a matter of different beliefs from different cultures and different times... I'm just wondering which set of beliefs is most prevalent.

wow dude ... you are still in school and you want to get married?!? you don't even know what the real world is like yet, you have to atleast give that some time. heck i know that my gf and i have talked about marriage, and we hope that in the future we will be married (i'm 22). i just graduated in may and got a 'real job' in the real world, a 9-5:30 type job, and i can tell you its alot different than the job i had before, which was a grocery store bagger. those hours were alot different, i had work on the weekends, and just all around ALOT different than this. needless to say, the money now is MUCH MUCH better, but still i am adjusting to this lifestyle. i don't get to see my gf as much now because of this. now i know i want to wait to i am out on my own (i'm in my moms house still), preferrably in a house, before i REALLY SERIOUSLY consider marriage.

just wait dude. if you guys are in love, you can wait.

 

[phreakah]

Originally posted by: Bateluer
While being in love and committed should definitely rank high on the list, getting married when you know you're both going to be struggling financially for about 5 years is not a good plan.

The most common cause of divorce and spousal abuse in the the USA is money. If both spouses are short of cash, then stress and tension are going to run high at some point. Its a recipe for a disaster.

If you really love and are committed to each other, then waiting until you are both stable and ready financially to get married is a good idea.

Ruining a potentially fruitful relationship before it even starts over something as trivial as money is kinda stupid.

I agree w/ this post 100%

 

[bradruth]

Originally posted by: Tomato

Originally posted by: bradruth
I agree with the financial stability part. One thing my parents always said was "love doesn't pay the bills." The more difficult your financial situation is, the more problems your relationship will have. A LOT of fights that couples have involve money, and we've seen spikes of domestic disturbances around tax time & even routine paydays.

All you'd really need for a home is an apartment at this point, I would imagine. And unless you're in a rush to have kids (which probably wouldn't be a good idea) you shouldn't need the prereqs for having them just yet.

You have a point, bradruth... I know that with couples who are struggling financially, there are many more fights, a lot more tension and a number of disagreements. Being financially stable would minimize that stress, but I also know a number of very well-off, very unhappy couples. I guess best-case scenario is financially stable + in love, but I think really being in love can work out, too.

I know what it's like to be blinded by emotions. Just be careful, and try not to let your emotions cloud your judgement.

 

[Pliablemoose]

Originally posted by: Tomato

Originally posted by: Pliablemoose
Your thoughts?

Asian parents & disapproval=tough marriage

Agreed. I really don't want to get married without my parents' approval and blessing, but we've butted heads from day one about the relationship. If it isn't the cultural differences (why can't you marry a nice Chinese boy?), it's the finances. *sigh*

No one will be good enough for my daughters either

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

Actually, what is the rush? if you are not ready to buy a home and have kids, why get married? Unless it is pressure from the family about living together as an un-wed couple, there is absolutely no reason to get married.