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What do you think of this sentence

D

deepred98

Golden Member
It is supposed to be describing a sparkler bomb that caught some trees on fire 😉

"Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky, the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of caustic snow."

does it sound good or totally retarded
 
...releasing smoke that escaped towards the sky; the gray (maybe grey, but I use gray), burning blizzard ....

<3 grammar
 
"The gray, burning blizzard released smoke that escaped toward the sky, enveloping everything with a hazy and gritty coat of caustic snow." ?

Yours sounds OK, too.
 
yeah i suck at grammar
pretty much is spell/grammar check doesn't mark it i think its right

so you guys don't think that burning blizzard and caustic snow is wrong/retarded
 
Tad wordy/overdescriptive. "Caustic" is one sweet word, but it just doesn't belong in that sentence unfortunately. Other than that, a heck of a lot better than I did on my personal narrative (at least in HS).

It's better not to use every vocab word you possibly can in one sentence and then slack on the rest of the paper. Just keep it consistent and it'll turn out good.
 
I also noticed that blizzard and snow don't go well together in this case. The images are a bit too strong and even though I see what you're trying to say, you should use another word instead of snow (that doesn't imply coldness/wetness). Something dry would be better, like flour (but that definitely doesn't fit).
 
Originally posted by: deepred98
what exactly does this create an image of for you guys
Click to expand...

Burning doesn't make much sense to me. I associate burning with a chemical reaction or fire. That's quite the opposite of a blizzard.

Where is the smoke coming from? Hazy and gritty doesn't describe snow IMO. Seriously, writing is hard as hell sometimes and you're not doing bad at it. But you got to make sure you are describing things with the right adjectives to create the image you want. It seems a little schizophrenic.
 
Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky; the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of sooty powder.

hows that

thanks for the help
this teacher is supposed to be one of the hardest in my school
nobody in the past 2 years has gotton an A in her class 🙁
 
Originally posted by: xtknight
Originally posted by: deepred98
what exactly does this create an image of for you guys
Click to expand...

Burning doesn't make much sense to me. I associate burning with a chemical reaction or fire. That's quite the opposite of a blizzard.

Where is the smoke coming from? Hazy and gritty doesn't describe snow IMO. Seriously, writing is hard as hell sometimes and you're not doing bad at it. But you got to make sure you are describing things with the right adjectives to create the image you want. It seems a little schizophrenic.
Click to expand...

if you'd like i'll pm the whole paper but i doubt you wanna read it
 
Originally posted by: deepred98
"Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky, the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of caustic snow."
Click to expand...

It's fine although...work on that clause. Use a semi-colon.
 
changed it to:
Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky; the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of sooty powder.

thanks for the help

english is the worst class ever 😀
 
Originally posted by: deepred98
changed it to:
Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky; the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of sooty powder.

thanks for the help

english is the worst class ever 😀
Click to expand...

Yikes...you don't have two clauses there. I would stick with the comma.

Don't finalize it just yet, there is still some improving that needs to be done (at least IMO). I honestly thought it was a blizzard (i.e. snow) all this time (I'm not just pushing your buttons there), but hopefully your English teacher isn't that dense. Burning and blizzard are wayy too mutually exclusive to be next to each other.
 
Originally posted by: xtknight
Originally posted by: deepred98
changed it to:
Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky; the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of sooty powder.

thanks for the help

english is the worst class ever 😀
Click to expand...

Yikes...you don't have two clauses there. I would stick with the comma.

Don't finalize it just yet, there is still some improving that needs to be done (at least IMO). I honestly thought it was a blizzard (i.e. snow) all this time (I'm not just pushing your buttons there), but hopefully your English teacher isn't that dense. Burning and blizzard are wayy too mutually exclusive to be next to each other.
Click to expand...

the semicolon was a typo and its due tomorrow so i think i might as well take a chance with blizzard
actually flurry sounds good
 
Which sentence is this again? The start I assume? I forget all the fancy terms.

Why not stick with something like inferno? You don't have to use a metaphor.
 
"Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky, the gray conflagration enveloped everything with a blizzard of soot and gritty powder".

Is that kinda what you were trying to say?
 
Originally posted by: SlitheryDee
"Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky, the gray conflagration enveloped everything with a blizzard of soot and gritty powder".

Is that kinda what you were trying to say?
Click to expand...

I agree that sounds quite a bit better and you did retain his metaphor. :thumbsup:
 
Originally posted by: deepred98
changed it to:
Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky; the grey, burning blizzard enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty coat of sooty powder.

thanks for the help

english is the worst class ever 😀
Click to expand...

Is "sooty powder" just a way to avoid using the word ash? Then you could bring back caustic, or, rather, a slightly midler equivolent to describe the ash.
 
Originally posted by: SlitheryDee
"Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky, the gray conflagration enveloped everything with a blizzard of soot and gritty powder".

Is that kinda what you were trying to say?
Click to expand...

that is exellent

you wouldn't mind if i used it would you?

"Releasing smoke that escaped toward the sky, the conflagration enveloped everything with a hazy and gritty blizzard of sooty powder."

i never thought atot would be this helpful lol. 😀

@HeroOfPellinor yeah i sorta forgot the word "ash" existed
 
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