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Wedding problem... sadly your advice is needed...

D

DevilsAdvocate

Banned
Ok - first my mother was pushing for a wedding in a church, while my fiancee and I wanted to be married outdoors. Mom kept pushing and caused a screaming fight between herself and my fiancee. Now they are not speaking, and I am their go-between. 🙁

The stress of this is really killing me.

Now my mom wants my sis to be in the wedding. My sister is a bit of a "rugged individualist" who has been known to get a wild hair and bleach her naturally red hair to platinum blonde... She has also been known to disappear for days, even weeks at a time.

Why I have no idea....

My fiancee thinks my sister is a flake, and I agree to some extent. She does not think she can count on her to actually show up for the actual wedding... I think she would show for it.

Alternatively, she does not think my sister has the "look" that she wants. My sister has kind of a mod hair style, while my fiancee and all of her other attendants have a very traditional look.

Basically my sister is the only other family I have in the world. My fiancee has no other family.

What should I do?
 
My humble opinion that is as far as the church/outdoors is concerned, definitely go with your fiancee. This is not your mother's wedding. If you're following tradition (the girl's parents pay for it), your parents are not paying for it.

As far as the sister is concerned... perhaps she can be worked into the wedding, it seems like it would be nice, but don't do it just for your mother.

CK
 
Stick up for youself! It is your wedding, not you mother's. You better grow some balls and stick up to your mother because you are going to need the practice to prepare you for being married. 😉
 
Just remember which woman you're going to be living with after the wedding.

It would be nice to invite your sister to participate in the wedding, but give her a non-crucial role, someone that won't be missed if she decides not to show up.
 
You and your wife to be plan for your own wedding..hell elope if you have to

As for your sister her "look" is her business


Make your day more about the two of you and less about everybody else 😀
 
i've never been married so take my advice with a grain of salt:

btw, if you agree with me, have your fiancee read this so it doesn't look like you're siding with your mom 😉


i think you should just have it in the church to get your mom to be quiet. i don't think the location is worth fighting over, but that's just me and my apathy speaking.

i would also just invite your sister. if she doesn't show, then great, if she does, how bad can that be? unless she's adam sandler -ish or something and she's going to destroy everything... i don't think having one person who has different hair will be that bad.


if you haven't already noticed, i'm all for maintaining the status quo... little things aren't worth ruining relationships over 🙂
 


<< Do you love your mom or your fiancee more? >>



Thats an unfair question.

I have no advice to offer.

But, do you have pics of your 'wild' sister?

🙂
 


<< Do you love your mom or your fiancee more? >>



That really is quite a crazy question... I don't think anyone would want to answer that one.

CK
 
1) this is not your mothers wedding.

2) don't exclude your sister unless she wants to be excluded.

3) You sisters individualness is her preference. so is her hair color and style. doens't have to be likedd by the rest of the world.

4) work with your fiancee, you will hear about these "mistakes" for the rest of your years.
 
If you got your fiancee to get your sister to go and not show up, you would have the worst honeymoon of all time. But if you talk to them both at the same time and get a guarntee that your sister will show up then go for it. Can always have a back up person 😉 in place of your sister.

Also this is your wedding, if you want it outside have it outside, it's not your moms wedding, let her do that for you sister 😉
 
I guess a lot of this has to do with apathy and a lack of testicular fortitude on my part. I am ambivalent about my sister being in the wedding. My mom is pushing so hard for it that I think it is making it worse. I mean... my fiancee feels like my mom is forcing her hand on everything.

Weddings are an enormous pain in the ass....

I'd elope, but both her mom and mine want to see us get married.
 
As other's have pointed out:
Its your wedding, not your mother's.
Your parents probably arent paying for it.
Your mother already had her wedding (most likely, I'm assuming she was married at some point).
Women tend to place much, MUCH more weight to the wedding plans, guys are more laid back. If you had wanted a church wedding as well, then it might be a question. As is, the TWO MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE AT THIS WEDDING (you and your finacee) want it one way. That is the way it should be.

As for the sister, try to work her in, but either put her in a role that wont be noticed if she doesnt show, OR secretly have someone to work as a replacement if necessary (and have a practice run or two witht eh replacement).
 
She is a photographer, so we were going to have her take the wedding photos. My mom thinks that is a crappy thing to do... that my sister should be a part of the ceremony. My mom was left out of my uncle's wedding (her bro) and she said that that hurt her very badly.

This emotional sh!t is just too damn heavy for me...

Who is right? Who is wrong?
 


<< She is a photographer, so we were going to have her take the wedding photos. My mom thinks that is a crappy thing to do... that my sister should be a part of the ceremony. My mom was left out of my uncle's wedding (her bro) and she said that that hurt her very badly.

This emotional sh!t is just too damn heavy for me...

Who is right? Who is wrong? >>



uhh, what does your sister say... No one seems to have asked her.
 
Regarding the indoor/outdoor - it's your wedding - unless your mother is paying for it, it's your decision. Regarding your sister, tell your fiance she's your only "real" family and it would mean a lot to you if she could at least be invited, regardless of whether she shows or not
 


<< She is a photographer, so we were going to have her take the wedding photos. My mom thinks that is a crappy thing to do... that my sister should be a part of the ceremony. My mom was left out of my uncle's wedding (her bro) and she said that that hurt her very badly.

This emotional sh!t is just too damn heavy for me...

Who is right? Who is wrong? >>

If your sister is a good photog and is willing to do your pictures, then I can't see why it would be perceived as a "crappy thing to do" to her. That's a lot more meaningful than having to wear a crummy dress and matching shoes with your fiancee's friends, IMO. Your mom needs to butt out (badly). Decide ahead of time what decision you will be willing to have your mom make (roast beef or chicken for dinner, as example) then ask for her input after you have the choices narrowed down.

It's your and your fiancee's day, NOT your mother's.

BTW - if your sister might not show up, make sure you have a backup/real photographer too.
 
Apparently mom has been talking to her... she says she has not mentioned anything to her yet about any of this. Maybe I should talk to my sis. 😱

Another problem is that she will be in Santa Barbara at some photography school next year. That could throw a wrench into the whole damn thing.

Mom seems to want me to get married in the church I was baptized in... that seems to be the rub with her. I personally don't feel any connection to the church. I went there occasionally as a kid, but that is it.
 
Sounds like a control issue to me, and you will end up having to "choose" who to side with. If it were me, it would be with the one I was intending on spending the rest of my life with - good luck 😉
 
I think your mom is a lot like mine advocate. If there were an issue like this (but I doubt there would be) about my wedding she would be just as stubborn. However, my advice is to go with what your fiance wants. At this point your mom is probably just pushing ahead as a matter of principle. "I'm his mother, I always know best!" What I would do is sit down and explain to her that you don't really feel a special connection to the church and it would upset your fiance badly. However, an outside wedding would be very memorable etc. etc. Also I would invite the sister and if she can the photographer then so much the better! That's a very crucial role. I think if you ask her in the right way she will show up and so what if she's got platinum blonde hair and 8" heels? That doesn't really matter when it all comes down to it.
 
There is no middle ground here. You either going to get married in the church or outside, you are going to side with your mother or your fiancee. My suggestion to you (married person speaking here) is to go along with whatever your fiancee wants.

The wedding is the woman's domain. Girls start planning their weddings as soon as their old enough to start speaking. You do not want to ruin it for your fiancee by doing what your mother wants. As was mentioned above, you will be living with her for the rest of your life. Do you really want to hear about how your mother ruined your wedding for the rest of your life?

I didn't think so. Grow some cajones, tell your mother it's your fiancee's wedding and she is planning it. You may hurt your mom's feelings, but if she really loves you, she'll respect your wishes.
 
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