Wedding etiquette- why the hell is it so expensive

[evident]

My girlfriend is a bridesmaid at a wedding. The bride is having a bridal shower this saturday and has registered at several stores incl. bed bath and beyond and crate and barrel. My gf is kind of annoyed that all of the things on the registry are really expensive, stuff that she wouldnt even buy for herself, such as a $1500 sofa and $1200 chaise lounge. everything on the crate and barrel gift registry is above $200, and most items at BBB are expensive as well ($50+)

note that we are 23, we all just graduated from college and just started jobs- the bride and groom aren't that rich, but aren't too poor either. my gf feels that the bride is being pretentious and greedy for asking for a bunch of high priced items, but we aren't too sure of wedding etiquette and never been in this situation so we don't know what is the norm for weddings.

note that this is also a bridal shower, not the wedding itself. Do we have to give another gift for the real wedding too? We already have to pay for the hotel room at the place she's getting married at too, and my gf has to pay for her bridal outfit (shoes, dress hair etc... she's a bridesmaid). I personally think it's a hassle but is this the norm for weddings?

cliff notes:

gf in friend's bridal party, bride has very expensive gifts on bridal registries and feels that she is being pretentious. is this the norm or is gf being a bitch?

why does anyone want to be a bridesmaid?


update:

Originally posted by: Pieceofmind
It feels to me like the bride may be trolling for gifts, as this has become common in today's "wedding etiquette." You shouldn't feel like a wedding "slacker" because you don't have the money to buy the most expensive thing on the registry, and you don't have to buy off the registry anyway. One suggestion for you would be to find a gift that will have a special meaning to the bride. Perhaps you have a special talent, such as sewing, where you can make something that will have emotional value. Or you can find something that will remind her of a special time you two spent together, or an inside joke for a relatively cheap price. Gifts aren't meant to show how much you can spend; they're meant to show how much you care and how much thought you put into the gift is more important than the money.

my gf really likes all of your advice, especially this one.

I believe she is leaning towards buying some things off of the registry. A chip and dip plate from Crate and Barrel as well as a nice set of martini glasses.

Her and bride used to share quite a bit of Cosmos and always eat chips and dip together. It will be both meaningful and useful.

In total it probably should amount to roughly 50ish for the shower gift.

We think that's fair.

Thoughts??

 

[Deeko]

You don't HAVE to get them things on their list, just like you don't HAVE to get them anything at all....

 

[evident]

Originally posted by: Deeko
You don't HAVE to get them things on their list, just like you don't HAVE to get them anything at all....

are you a bitch if you dont? my gf is in the bridal party!

 

[OutHouse]

dont buy them. bridal registries are nothing but wish list.


buy them a 9.99 toaster at walmart and call it a day.

 

[OutHouse]

Originally posted by: evident

Originally posted by: Deeko
You don't HAVE to get them things on their list, just like you don't HAVE to get them anything at all....

are you a bitch if you dont? my gf is in the bridal party!

so what. she can either


1. not be in the bridal party
2. not buy the stupid shit the bride wishes for
3. or say fuck it be a bitch and buy the 1500 couch

 

[MoPHo]

See if all the bride's maids are willing to go in on a more expensive item on the list.

 

[Turin39789]

Id go for a gift cert to wherever teh registry is.

We felt uncomfortable throwing the shower/engagement party where gifts were expected before the wedding itself, so when my wife had her bridal shower, we made it themed and asked people to bring a favorite recipe we could add to our recipe book. A few also got small kitchen items off our registry(measuring cups, spatulas etc)

 

[Deeko]

Originally posted by: evident

Originally posted by: Deeko
You don't HAVE to get them things on their list, just like you don't HAVE to get them anything at all....

are you a bitch if you dont? my gf is in the bridal party!

When I was a little kid, I used to write exorbitant lists to Santa. I knew I wouldn't get everything on it. I knew I'd probably get some lesser things that weren't on the list....

If you don't feel comfortable spending $200+, then don't. If they have a problem with whatever you got them, then they are pretentious assholes that you shouldn't be friends with, IMO.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

Originally posted by: evident
My girlfriend is a bridesmaid at a wedding. The bride is having a bridal shower this saturday and has registered at several stores incl. bed bath and beyond and crate and barrel. My gf is kind of annoyed that all of the things on the registry are really expensive, stuff that she wouldnt even buy for herself, such as a $1500 sofa and $1200 chaise lounge. everything on the crate and barrel gift registry is above $200, and most items at BBB are expensive as well ($50+)

note that we are 23, we all just graduated from college and just started jobs- the bride and groom aren't that rich, but aren't too poor either. my gf feels that the bride is being pretentious and greedy for asking for a bunch of high priced items, but we aren't too sure of wedding etiquette and never been in this situation so we don't know what is the norm for weddings.

note that this is also a bridal shower, not the wedding itself. Do we have to give another gift for the real wedding too? We already have to pay for the hotel room at the place she's getting married at too, and my gf has to pay for her bridal outfit (shoes, dress hair etc... she's a bridesmaid). I personally think it's a hassle but is this the norm for weddings?

cliff notes:

gf in friend's bridal party, bride has very expensive gifts on bridal registries and feels that she is being pretentious. is this the norm or is gf being a bitch?

why does anyone want to be a bridesmaid?

Bridesmaid should be ready to cough up:
~$150 for a dress/shoes of the bride's choosing
~$100 for a shower/shower gift (to clarify, the cost should be $65 for party expenses and the rest for a gift, or around there)
~$75 for a bachelorette party/gift
~$50-200 for a wedding gift

That's on the average/high side. Reasonable brides do everything possible to keep their wedding party's costs down and their stress levels low. The amounts I've listed are the "bite your lip and keep quiet because it's normal" level. Lower is nice, higher is unreasonable.

$1200 presents are absurd. Get the whole bridal party together and pitch in to buy the selfish bride ONE of the things on the list, or buy her a knife set or something else reasonably priced.

Registries are suggestions, not requirements.

note that this is also a bridal shower, not the wedding itself. Do we have to give another gift for the real wedding too? We already have to pay for the hotel room at the place she's getting married at too, and my gf has to pay for her bridal outfit (shoes, dress hair etc... she's a bridesmaid). I personally think it's a hassle but is this the norm for weddings?

Shit, this is for the SHOWER? Showers should NOT have registries. The bride is being above and beyond greedy if she's registering for the shower, even if the stuff on there was only $20.

Oh, and I'm a bit of a stickler for wedding etiquette as a guest and bridal party member, so I've done a fair amount of research on this.

 

[torpid]

IMO, it's tacky to register for gifts that expensive for a bridal shower. Gifts over $50-100 should be only on the wedding registry itself.

 

[lupi]

Originally posted by: torpid
IMO, it's tacky to register for gifts that expensive for a bridal shower. Gifts over $50-100 should be only on the wedding registry itself.

that's retarded. family members also shop off the list and could easily spend more than that.

 

[Anubis]

get her a Lump of Coal

 

[torpid]

Originally posted by: lupi

Originally posted by: torpid
IMO, it's tacky to register for gifts that expensive for a bridal shower. Gifts over $50-100 should be only on the wedding registry itself.

that's retarded. family members also shop off the list and could easily spend more than that.

How many family members attend your typical bridal shower who are willing to spend hundreds on a gift and then have to then logically spend even more on a wedding gift?

 

[ChaoZ]

Originally posted by: evident
We already have to pay for the hotel room at the place she's getting married at too, and my gf has to pay for her bridal outfit (shoes, dress hair etc... she's a bridesmaid).

If it was me, I wouldn't even go.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

Originally posted by: torpid
IMO, it's tacky to register for gifts that expensive for a bridal shower. Gifts over $50-100 should be only on the wedding registry itself.

Technically the bride is not supposed to be involved AT ALL in planning her own shower. Showers are supposed to be thrown by the maid of honor. Brides and family members are never supposed to throw or be involved in planning showers because it comes off as begging for gifts... The idea is to avoid the exact situation that the poster's gf is now in.

Tell your gf to buy her a cute piece of lingerie for $20 and be done with it. That's the point; a bunch of girls giggling and having a good time about the upcoming wedding.

 

[GeneValgene]

Originally posted by: evident
My girlfriend is a bridesmaid at a wedding. The bride is having a bridal shower this saturday and has registered at several stores incl. bed bath and beyond and crate and barrel. My gf is kind of annoyed that all of the things on the registry are really expensive, stuff that she wouldnt even buy for herself, such as a $1500 sofa and $1200 chaise lounge. everything on the crate and barrel gift registry is above $200, and most items at BBB are expensive as well ($50+)

note that we are 23, we all just graduated from college and just started jobs- the bride and groom aren't that rich, but aren't too poor either. my gf feels that the bride is being pretentious and greedy for asking for a bunch of high priced items, but we aren't too sure of wedding etiquette and never been in this situation so we don't know what is the norm for weddings.

note that this is also a bridal shower, not the wedding itself. Do we have to give another gift for the real wedding too? We already have to pay for the hotel room at the place she's getting married at too, and my gf has to pay for her bridal outfit (shoes, dress hair etc... she's a bridesmaid). I personally think it's a hassle but is this the norm for weddings?

cliff notes:

gf in friend's bridal party, bride has very expensive gifts on bridal registries and feels that she is being pretentious. is this the norm or is gf being a bitch?

why does anyone want to be a bridesmaid?

just get the stuff from BBB that is close to 50 bux and use the 20% coupon

 

[torpid]

Originally posted by: AreaCode707

Originally posted by: torpid
IMO, it's tacky to register for gifts that expensive for a bridal shower. Gifts over $50-100 should be only on the wedding registry itself.

Technically the bride is not supposed to be involved AT ALL in planning her own shower. Showers are supposed to be thrown by the maid of honor. Brides and family members are never supposed to throw or be involved in planning showers because it comes off as begging for gifts... The idea is to avoid the exact situation that the poster's gf is now in.

Tell your gf to buy her a cute piece of lingerie for $20 and be done with it. That's the point; a bunch of girls giggling and having a good time about the upcoming wedding.

This will provide a good excuse for a lingerie pillow fight too.

 

[dougp]

Just got married, so several things:

When we did our registry, it was used for the shower and the wedding. Most people who got us something at my wife's bridal shower did not get us something for the wedding. Bridesmaids weren't expected to give any funds towards the bachelorette party but were expected to pay their own way. So to AC707s post, I don't think he's right.

Bridesmaids should expect:
$150-200 for dress
$50 for matching shoes
$50-100 for shower/wedding gift

Bachelorette party is your choice on what you want to do, but not required or expected. Honestly, if the bride is EXPECTING you to pay all this, then don't be in the party. We put expensive gifts on our registry for a reason, because it's a list of what we'd like. Nothing was over $400 - and we never received a gift over $150. If you can't afford something, get them a gift card. People seem to be bitchy about what they have to pay, but you should feel honored that you were asked to be in the wedding. The wedding is costing the bride & groom a lot of money, or at least their parents. $300-400 is nothing compared to what they're paying overall - and generally the bridesmaids will get a nice gift. If you are dealing with a bridezilla, tell them to fuck off and just not be in the wedding.

 

[nageov3t]

1K gifts for a bridal show are insane. I'd say a hundred or two max.

you're still expected to give a wedding gift, but I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where "real" gifts were given except the one wedding I went to in upstate NY inside a barn.

at least in Jersey, pretty much everyone except maybe the parents of the bride/groom gives money. I usually end up giving whatever the plate cost for the reception was (double if I bring a plus one) plus an arbitrary amount determined by how much I like the couple and how much they need the money.

 

[AreaCode7O7]

Originally posted by: dougp
Just got married, so several things:

When we did our registry, it was used for the shower and the wedding. Most people who got us something at my wife's bridal shower did not get us something for the wedding. Bridesmaids weren't expected to give any funds towards the bachelorette party but were expected to pay their own way. So to AC707s post, I don't think he's right.

Bridesmaids should expect:
$150-200 for dress
$50 for matching shoes
$50-100 for shower/wedding gift

Bachelorette party is your choice on what you want to do, but not required or expected. Honestly, if the bride is EXPECTING you to pay all this, then don't be in the party. We put expensive gifts on our registry for a reason, because it's a list of what we'd like. Nothing was over $400 - and we never received a gift over $150. If you can't afford something, get them a gift card. People seem to be bitchy about what they have to pay, but you should feel honored that you were asked to be in the wedding. The wedding is costing the bride & groom a lot of money, or at least their parents. $300-400 is nothing compared to what they're paying overall - and generally the bridesmaids will get a nice gift. If you are dealing with a bridezilla, tell them to fuck off and just not be in the wedding.

Sounds like your wife was more reasonable than the average bride can be. I'd be the same way, but my cost estimates in the post were based on the research I've done and the friends' weddings I've attended (I'm a girl.) For the bachelorette party, for example, the bridesmaids usually kick in to pay the bride's way.

 

[mugs]

Get something that isn't on the registry. No one is going to buy her a $1500 couch except maybe parents/grandparents.

 

[bobdole369]

Dick in a box ftmfw wait.... That doesn't work here... hmmm

How bout find an item on the registry, then buy a low-priced alternate.

 

[dullard]

Like others have said, give what you want to give. The registry is just a suggestion. Usually if you register for cheap stuff, you get 200 wedding guests who each give you multiple $5-$10 items. The end result is car loads of cheap crap with most of it repeated many times (guests rarely mark the item off the registry so everyone keeps buying the same small stuff). Thus, I know several people who register only for the expensive items ($50+). Guests can buy a gift on their own, can give cash, or can go together in on an expensive item from the registry.

Also, gift giving is location dependent. Where I live in a smallish city in the midwest, $20 is pretty common for a wedding shower and $20-$50 for the wedding itself. Muliply that by 5 in some larger cities with the odd custom of massive gifts.

As far as I'm concerned (same goes with many books on manners) the PROPER gift is cash or check delivered at least one week before the wedding. No gifts of any kind should be brought to the wedding or the reception. That is just an invitation for theft and it means the bride and groom have to lug around all these presents just after their wedding when they have other things to do (honeymoon).

 

[shopbruin]

Originally posted by: dougp
Just got married, so several things:

When we did our registry, it was used for the shower and the wedding. Most people who got us something at my wife's bridal shower did not get us something for the wedding. Bridesmaids weren't expected to give any funds towards the bachelorette party but were expected to pay their own way. So to AC707s post, I don't think he's right.

Bridesmaids should expect:
$150-200 for dress
$50 for matching shoes
$50-100 for shower/wedding gift

Bachelorette party is your choice on what you want to do, but not required or expected. Honestly, if the bride is EXPECTING you to pay all this, then don't be in the party. We put expensive gifts on our registry for a reason, because it's a list of what we'd like. Nothing was over $400 - and we never received a gift over $150. If you can't afford something, get them a gift card. People seem to be bitchy about what they have to pay, but you should feel honored that you were asked to be in the wedding. The wedding is costing the bride & groom a lot of money, or at least their parents. $300-400 is nothing compared to what they're paying overall - and generally the bridesmaids will get a nice gift. If you are dealing with a bridezilla, tell them to fuck off and just not be in the wedding.

This is the way we did it.

My shower gifts were the only gifts we received from those guests, and that was perfectly fine. Weddings are expensive affairs!

My bachelorette party, everyone just paid their own way. I even paid my own way and my sister's way.

My office threw me a shower, and bought a bunch of gifts off our registry also.

At the actual wedding itself, we only received two gifts there and the rest were either shipped to us or the overwhelming majority of the guests gave cash.

 

[Sasiki]

They are just being greedy. When we got married, we added cheap stuff on there. Dish sets, forks/spoons, etc.