Watch me tell funny jokes....throw quaters and dimes.....havea good time
- Thread starter Goosemaster
- Start date
Yea, you suck. That joke was told by Brut a while back, the RIGHT way. It was told with the use of Texans. Now, take your own advice, and shutup.
Attempt Number 2: Rules for life for Men...different than one posted here before...
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to 'I love you.'
---
Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
---
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
---
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
---
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football
team of your choice.
---
'Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last
night'would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
---
At the end of
the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out yourwindow
and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.
---
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
---
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public
ugliness' ordinance.
---
Garbage would take itself out.
---
Instead of beer belly, you'd get 'beer biceps.'
---
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
---
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
to go drinking.
---
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But
it would be celebrated every month.
---
COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
---
Two words: Ally McNaked.
---
Richard and Judy would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-viewevent
in world history.
---
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
---
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop:'You know how fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.'Cop:'Nice one. That's £10 off.'
---
Faucets would run 'Hot,' 'Cold,' and '100 proof.'
---
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
---
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response
to 'I love you.'
---
Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.
---
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.
---
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
---
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football
team of your choice.
---
'Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last
night'would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
---
At the end of
the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out yourwindow
and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.
---
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned
helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
---
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the 'public
ugliness' ordinance.
---
Garbage would take itself out.
---
Instead of beer belly, you'd get 'beer biceps.'
---
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
occur in leap years.
---
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off
to go drinking.
---
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But
it would be celebrated every month.
---
COPS would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
---
Two words: Ally McNaked.
---
Richard and Judy would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed
off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-viewevent
in world history.
---
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
---
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop:'You know how fast you were going?' You: 'All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.'Cop:'Nice one. That's £10 off.'
---
Faucets would run 'Hot,' 'Cold,' and '100 proof.'
---
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
---
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Attempt # 3 : Rooster
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!'
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine.
So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies''.
The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?''
He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!'
Originally posted by: Brutuskend
So I guess the real question is.
Did that work for you??
The rooster says yes.
# 4 Practice makes....well....
This guy and his manager go down to the docks.
The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! Everything went perfectly well at practice this morning!"
This guy and his manager go down to the docks.
The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! Everything went perfectly well at practice this morning!"
Cake
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
?Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"
He looks at her and says angrily "fix the light? Does it look like i have electrician printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied "fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."
?Fine? she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?" They're about to break."
?I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix the steps", he says. "does it
look like i have B&Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! "
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
?Honey", he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man
asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
?Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"
He looks at her and says angrily "fix the light? Does it look like i have electrician printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"
The wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied "fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so."
?Fine? she says, "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?" They're about to break."
?I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix the steps", he says. "does it
look like i have B&Q written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! "
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
?Honey", he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "well, when you left i sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man
asked me what was wrong, and i told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
A Diluted Classic from accross the water
An Englishman, Aussie and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces and says 'In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from same one twice'.
The Aussie obviously impressed by this (simple things.......) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says 'Well mate, in 'straaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says 'In England we have so many fu**ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice'
An Englishman, Aussie and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.
All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun shoots the glass to pieces and says 'In Sath Afrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from same one twice'.
The Aussie obviously impressed by this (simple things.......) drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says 'Well mate, in 'straaaaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either.'
The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the South African and the Australian and says 'In England we have so many fu**ing South Africans and Australians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice'
TRENDING THREADS
-
Discussion Zen 5 Speculation (EPYC Turin and Strix Point/Granite Ridge - Ryzen 9000)- Started by DisEnchantment
- Replies: 25K
-
Discussion Intel Meteor, Arrow, Lunar & Panther Lakes + WCL Discussion Threads
- Started by Tigerick
- Replies: 24K
-
Discussion Intel current and future Lakes & Rapids thread- Started by TheF34RChannel
- Replies: 23K
-
-
Facebook
Twitter