Virtual Priest Max! Type in your sins and you will be forgiven!

[MaxDepth]

The dude at the corner of US15-501 and Mount Moriah Road (the one with most of his teeth and the blue baseball cap) had a sign up today, "Will ordain for food." I figured what the heck? I can't finish this other half of the sub and my fridge is busted...


So Father Max will listen to your sins for at least an hour (as of posting time - and that I'll be hitting the pubs after work after 5:00 PM today), maybe more if and when I get home tonight.

However, I can't forgive any sins past 12:00 AM tonight as the guy told me my ordaining lasts only for today. I need to get him some more food in exchange for more ordaining.


So - tell me your troubles my son/daughter/child.
I'm listening...

 

[JeffreyLebowski]

this one time at band camp...

 

[AstIsis]

Bless me for I have sinned....it has been 27 years since my last confession.

I have impure thoughts about the opposite sex.

Wait..that is not sin..that is fun..nevermind.

Other then that..I am an angel.

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: JeffreyLebowski
this one time at band camp...

Say two hail Alyson Hannigans and you are forgiven. Now go polish that flute!

 

[bootymac]

Originally posted by: MaxDepth

Originally posted by: JeffreyLebowski
this one time at band camp...

Say two hail Alyson Hannigans and you are forgiven. Now go polish that flute!

You mean the trombo..... yes.. the flute..

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: AstIsis
Bless me for I have sinned....it has been 27 years since my last confession.

I have impure thoughts about the opposite sex.

Wait..that is not sin..that is fun..nevermind.

Other then that..I am an angel.

It depends on whether or not CoolWhip(r) was involved with those thoughts.

Say 3 habenaros and go play out in the sunshine, you scamp!

 

[Argo]

I slept with my neightbor's wife. And his girlfriend.

 

[pyonir]

Bless me Father Max for I have sinned...this is my first confession.

I've had my way with myself again.

I mean....ummmm...nevermind. Bye.

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: Argo
I slept with my neightbor's wife. And his girlfriend.

But not with his daughter? Good.

Sing five Hey diddle, diddles and sleep in your own bed tonight.
(I didn't say you couldn't have bunkmates, though.)

 

[WinkOsmosis]

I masturbate and will continue to do so.

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: pyonir
Bless me Father Max for I have sinned...this is my first confession.

I've had my way with myself again.

I mean....ummmm...nevermind. Bye.

Oh my.
Sing "Dancing with myself" one time and go find someone else's monkey to spank.
You are forgiven.

 

[feralkid]

Uh, father...is it right for you to be touching me there?

 

[Mr N8]

How many young boys have you been with in the last hour?

...oh yeah, I'm posting from work. Forgive me.

 

[Wallydraigle]

I have clubbed a baby seal, and ran over baby ducks with a lawn mower, and fed rat poison to puppies, tortured little kids, and eaten veal. You know, the usual. So Jesus is okay with that now?

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: WinkOsmosis
I masturbate and will continue to do so.

So, the unrepentent type, huh?
But all is not lost. Say 7 Rosy psalms and watch a Pee-Wee Herman movie.
Without touching yourself and all is forgiven.

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: feralkid
Uh, father...is it right for you to be touching me there?

heheh. Didn't anyone tell you that idle hands are the devil's work?

Now go out and play with the other kids and we'll keep our little "discussion" to ourselves, won't we???

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: MogulMonster
How many young boys have you been with in the last hour?

...oh yeah, I'm posting from work. Forgive me.

[indignant]Me! I have not harmed a single person!


And whatever feralkid told you is a complete lie![/indignant]

 

[Wallydraigle]

So since this just lasts for one day, can I confess to a bunch of stuff now that I haven't done yet, and get it all forgiven when I actually get around to sinning? Like if I want somebody dead, can I confess it now, and then go kill them next week, or whenever I have time? Is that okay, or do I still go to hell for that? How about if I confess now, and you tell me what I have to do to repent and I'll do that after I sin?

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: lirion
I have clubbed a baby seal, and ran over baby ducks with a lawn mower, and fed rat poison to puppies, tortured little kids, and eaten veal. You know, the usual. So Jesus is okay with that now?

But you still have restrained yourself from removing that little tag on your mattress? Yes? Good. See, Jesus loves those who show restraint. Even those who need to wear restraints, too.

Watch 15 minutes of "Little Nicky" (you pick) and take that shock prod out of the fish tank.
You are forgiven.

 

[AthlonXP]

Originally posted by: JeffreyLebowski
this one time at band camp...

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: lirion
So since this just lasts for one day, can I confess to a bunch of stuff now that I haven't done yet, and get it all forgiven when I actually get around to sinning? Like if I want somebody dead, can I confess it now, and then go kill them next week, or whenever I have time? Is that okay, or do I still go to hell for that? How about if I confess now, and you tell me what I have to do to repent and I'll do that after I sin?

Hmm. I think we have to go down to the dude on the street corner for a ruling on this.

Just in case, we better bring a menu from Outback Steakhouse across the street. Something tells me this ain't going to come cheap...

 

[MaxDepth]

Originally posted by: AthlonXP

Originally posted by: JeffreyLebowski
this one time at band camp...

For copycatting,
Say FOUR hail Alyson Hannigans, then go polish JeffreyLebowski's flute and then you will be forgiven.

 

[BatmanNate]

Originally posted by: MaxDepth

Originally posted by: AthlonXP

Originally posted by: JeffreyLebowski
this one time at band camp...

For copycatting,
Say FOUR hail Alyson Hannigans, then go polish JeffreyLebowski's flute and then you will be forgiven.

It's more of a picalo really.

 

[Wallydraigle]

This is sort of a technical question. Say you go and confess your sins and the priest tells you what you have to do to repent, and you go out to repent, but you drop dead on the spot. After the confession, but before the penance. Hell or not? Maybe just a time-out in Purgatory? What does the baby Jesus have to say on this matter?