Venting about family

[Exterous]

zzz

 

[lxskllr]

Some people are shitbags. Sorry to hear you're related to one.

 

[Mayne]

Sorry to hear about your dad. It looks like you are the only one in your family that gives a shit. You are a good son and should be proud of that.

 

[Six]

WARNING: She's going to want everything your parents have, because she never got anything from them.

Some people aren't aware of anyone else, but themselves.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

I'd send your sister a link to this thread.

 

[Exterous]

WARNING: She's going to want everything your parents have, because she never got anything from them.

Well my parents always made sure to spend the same amount on both of us so if she thinks that she isn't paying attention

I'd send your sister a link to this thread.

Eh - not while my mom is around. She doesn't need extra drama

 

[IndyColtsFan]

My brothers both did more for my mom and dad during their final days than I did, and I regret it (though they were closer). When my mom finally sat me down to discuss her will, I told her my brothers did far more than me and deserved the big stuff and it would make it easier on her. I think she appreciated that - we had seen lots of family fighting over the previous decades due to "who gets what" when someone dies. I think it is absurd and I swore I'd never have that situation.

 

[Iron Woode]

(Her a1c hemoglobin levels are too high for surgery right now)

you could get her on metformin. that will lower her a1c, like it does for me. there are side effects though.

 

[madoka]

we had seen lots of family fighting over the previous decades due to "who gets what" when someone dies. I think it is absurd and I swore I'd never have that situation.

Mo' money, mo' problems. The higher the inheritance, the more people are going to fight over it.

My parents will leave about $20 million to their three kids when they pass. It's mostly in the form of property, so it's not easily dividable. They've already warned me how one of my siblings is going to flip out when the distribution happens.

 

[John Connor]

I can kinda relate in the family issue crap. My mom is going through some shit right now and my sister has been pissing me off with her attitude.

 

[darkswordsman17]

OP, I can definitely understand your frustration. However, I think you might need to take something into account. Do you have kids? Does your sister? I'm guessing you do, and your sister doesn't? Or at least you're married and she's not? She likely has never had such responsibility of caring for another person (very possibly by choice), and so isn't prepared for it and possibly has even built her life around not doing such things. Just talk with her, and try not to be too critical (but make sure she knows what you've been through and that you feel like she should be capable of providing her fair share of care and that the situation is also a burden on you).

I think you're justified in feeling like you do, but I also think you and your sister probably don't understand each other and are quite a bit different which adds some extra tension. And I know it can be very hard to, but I really do think a little heart to heart would help both of you, even if it likely won't resolve the situation, but it could help. And maybe you already have and it didn't matter, but worth a mention I think.

I'm currently trying to keep from losing my shit with my family. Its kinda similar, but in a way in reverse in that I'm more like your sister, at least how I'm guessing the situation is. I was not in a position to be able to take care of someone and had actively made my life out of not doing so, so it was very hard for me to deal with (and I actually more or less got left taking care of my Mother as my siblings all moved). And there's been a bunch of other things that make it more complicated (basically we've had 4 family members have serious health issues the past 5 years; major moves, and other things), but its definitely trying. And everyone seems to want to make things worse by letting little petty bullshit things that don't matter turn into big fights.

 

[BoomerD]

You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family...BUT, you CAN choose which ones to have in your life...and how much.

What you're going through is much more common than people realize.

 

[darkswordsman17]

My brothers both did more for my mom and dad during their final days than I did, and I regret it (though they were closer). When my mom finally sat me down to discuss her will, I told her my brothers did far more than me and deserved the big stuff and it would make it easier on her. I think she appreciated that - we had seen lots of family fighting over the previous decades due to "who gets what" when someone dies. I think it is absurd and I swore I'd never have that situation.

That's very mature of you. And I feel similar.

But it also helps to let them know that (that you recognize they did more and appreciate they were there and feel regret that you weren't).

 

[darkswordsman17]

You can pick your friends, you can't pick your family...BUT, you CAN choose which ones to have in your life...and how much.

What you're going through is much more common than people realize.

Oh definitely. But I also think its easy to not realize how difficult things like this can be for some people. Don't get me wrong, I think the ones that do the caretaking are more justified (and hey, I'm sure they weren't prepared to have to take care of someone or be in that situation either), but some people have full on clinical issue in dealing with it (and yes sometimes they're just being assholes, but I try not to judge and in my experiences, sometimes people simply lack the awareness to fully appreciate the situation).

But yeah, OP, if your sister is a regular source of aggravation, then let her know that its unfair for her to be complaining, and that your concern is more for your mother, and try to make the best of the situation that you can.

 

[Linflas]

I guess I am lucky in that respect. For the most part my family has been very supportive of one another when needed. My mother has Alzheimer disease and before we moved her into a care facility my brother and I split the duties to take care of her and our brother. I take the majority of the responsibility for her care while he deals with our brother who survived brain cancer at a very young age but is now dealing with complications from surgery he had to have in 2009 to remove some benign growths in his skull that were caused by the massive doses of radiation and chemo they used in the late 1970's to deal with his cancer. My wife's family situation sounds similar to yours but it sounds like your sister is at least willing to do something. In my wife's case she had to deal with her mother's care at the end of her life in Montreal from Virginia despite having a sister that lived in Montreal.

 

[Exterous]

Mo' money, mo' problems. The higher the inheritance, the more people are going to fight over it.

Sadly I'm not sure thats true. I occasionally wind up working on\around inheritance\trust interactions due to a side job and some of the shit I've seen seem related to dollar amounts.... I don't know how the professionals deal with it. There was a family of 7 siblings who had $10k to evenly split among them after both parents passed. The shit that went on was mind boggling. Legal actions, threats, tantrums and by the end most weren't speaking to each other.

OP, I can definitely understand your frustration. However, I think you might need to take something into account. Do you have kids? Does your sister? I'm guessing you do, and your sister doesn't? Or at least you're married and she's not?

She's actually married with kids - 9 and 6. Still its a good point I'm just not sure how to approach it. She feeds on drama and exaggerates things on facebook - I'm assuming in an attempt to garner more sympathy. Or maybe that exaggeration is internal too. I'm not sure. She apparently told her husband she never liked Christmas as a child because "we always spent all day driving between relatives". Our family stayed with grandparents over christmas break to visit with them and on Christmas we spent 2 hours to drive to the other set of grandparents for a second set of presents. Oh the horror!

I think her frame of reference might be screwed up but I'm not sure how to fix that. I've heard other snippets here and there about her telling people how tough her life was growing up. I guess we have very different views on how hard it was to grow up in a middle class family where both parents were around, loved us and cared a great deal for our education and well being and where we never wanted for food, shelter, clothing etc.

 

[Exterous]

In my wife's case she had to deal with her mother's care at the end of her life in Montreal from Virginia despite having a sister that lived in Montreal.

I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully it all ends up going as well as it can

 

[Perknose]

OP, I feel your frustration. I know you just wanted to be heard, to vent. You received all the "good advice" even the posters giving it probably knew you already knew. Life. It seems at times to be an endless series of complications. Stories like yours make me feel especially blessed not to have had one scintilla of the same with my family or my late wife Jessie's family.

When Jessie's Mom died, she left a gorgeous apartment smack downtown in Chicago, to be split between us and her sister and her sister's husband. We all simply let a half brother who was down on his luck live there rent free. We all felt it was the right thing to do. There is a reward in your heart, down to the very depths of your psyche, for doing the right thing. With your Dad, and now with your Mom, you are and have been doing the right thing, because that's who you are.

Be quietly but firmly PROUD of that. Nobody can take that away from you.

Your sister has to live with herself. She has to get up each morning and repress a ton of weakness and dysfunction in order to feel ok about herself, whether she is consciously aware of that or not. Be eternally glad you are not her. And, without bending yourself out of shape, have as much compassion for her fundamental shortcomings as a fucking human being as you can.

 

[edro]

This is why families break apart when parents/grandparents die.
There are always differing opinions on effort, love, and inheritance... so feeling always get hurt.
Don't be surprised if your sister gets everything after their death as well.

 

[Fritzo]

All families are like this. Just do what you think is right and don't depend/expect things from other people. You'll feel better and come out of it as the better person. If someone offers to help, fine. If they don't or can't handle it, take over and show them how it's done. Any sane person will see how they're being outperformed and naturally up their game.

 

[TheGardener]

Stay strong and true to your convictions. You are a good son.

 

[dullard]

You can't change your sister, but you can change your attitude. You got to spend the most important 2 years with your father. While it was hard on you, at least you had that chance. Many of us don't. Yes, your sister is whiny and your mom is an hour away. But be glad that you have the chance to drive an hour to see her.

 

[clamum]

Sadly I'm not sure thats true. I occasionally wind up working on\around inheritance\trust interactions due to a side job and some of the shit I've seen seem related to dollar amounts.... I don't know how the professionals deal with it. There was a family of 7 siblings who had $10k to evenly split among them after both parents passed. The shit that went on was mind boggling. Legal actions, threats, tantrums and by the end most weren't speaking to each other.



She's actually married with kids - 9 and 6. Still its a good point I'm just not sure how to approach it. She feeds on drama and exaggerates things on facebook - I'm assuming in an attempt to garner more sympathy. Or maybe that exaggeration is internal too. I'm not sure. She apparently told her husband she never liked Christmas as a child because "we always spent all day driving between relatives". Our family stayed with grandparents over christmas break to visit with them and on Christmas we spent 2 hours to drive to the other set of grandparents for a second set of presents. Oh the horror!

I think her frame of reference might be screwed up but I'm not sure how to fix that. I've heard other snippets here and there about her telling people how tough her life was growing up. I guess we have very different views on how hard it was to grow up in a middle class family where both parents were around, loved us and cared a great deal for our education and well being and where we never wanted for food, shelter, clothing etc.

Eeesh. Exaggerating for sure, and yeah maybe she does do it internally too. Sorry to say but she sounds like she'd get on one's nerves rather quickly.

Not sure I have any advice for you other than to say "good luck." Much props to how you're supporting your mom.

 

[zinfamous]

Mo' money, mo' problems. The higher the inheritance, the more people are going to fight over it.

My parents will leave about $20 million to their three kids when they pass. It's mostly in the form of property, so it's not easily dividable. They've already warned me how one of my siblings is going to flip out when the distribution happens.

3 siblings, dividing the kingdom?

Have you ever read King Lear?

 

[Sonikku]

Mo' money, mo' problems. The higher the inheritance, the more people are going to fight over it.

My parents will leave about $20 million to their three kids when they pass. It's mostly in the form of property, so it's not easily dividable. They've already warned me how one of my siblings is going to flip out when the distribution happens.

Damn! My mother asked for help paying her power bill a few months ago because her $800 a month doesn't go very far. I can't even imagine having parents with that kind of worth.