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UPDATE! POLL: Question about a potential relationship or how I learned to love my shrinking balls.

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude

Lifer
Alrighty then - well, as for the question, in a terse, non-commital form, is, "why do females send mixed messages towards males?"

EDIT
Everyone seems to be confused by this, so I just listed it out instead of writing about it.

-Girl I know from work
-I'm crazy about
-Can actually talk to, about everything (even art!)
-We're friends, only at work, she's way too busy and so am I to do anything together outside of work
-She was raised in Japan, she has the "ultra" polite personality so it's hard to tell if she's sincere sometimes
-Makes awkward silence when I flirt with her (sometimes)
-Other times, she smiles (radiantly) and flirts back
-Supposedly has a boyfriend (ouch!) with whom she has a rocky relationship with
-But when I ask her about him, she calls him a "semi-boyfriend"
-I have her number, but she's always not home when I call
-If it happens, she does explain what happened and even sometimes tells me her schedule of the day for the weekend
-I teach martial arts, and she wants to learn
-I don't know if it's to get to know me or to sincerely learn martial arts (I can't lose both ways!)
-She also invited me to a couple fo international student functions that she directs, which I couldn't attend unfortunately

Well, I don't know if I'll get to see her again after the semester's over (I move into a different apartment and so does she) so I'm going to tell her how I feel about her - held out because she has a boyfriend (I would rather not do it, but what the hell) . . ..

Confusing.:frown:

To add onto my insecurities, growing up in the US, I've been told that I'm a "hot" asian guy(I'm Korean) by my white friends. But I recently found out that according to Korean standards, I'm notsomuch "hot" as "look like a nice guy" ( my picture from '98). :Q

Now, I can really talk to her outside of work, since I'm never home at all (I work out or teach everyday of the week, basically) and she is taking 18 semester hours and is an International Assistant so she's never home either. And I don't know if I'll get to see her again after this semster is over. I will tell her how I feel next week and even ask her to have dinner with me, but I'm curious - do you think she's attracted to me?😕

EDIT
Well, thanks for eveyone that voted for the poll and for everyone that gave me the (somewhat contrasting) advice. Hopefully, I'll have enough time to update after Tuesday, but hopefully I'll be spending that time with her instead. Wish me luck! 😉

UPDATE!
Yep, as the updated title suggests, my shrinking balls did it's wonder and I shyed away from asking - I did manage to ask her to dinner though 😀 - she didn't say no. She didn't say yes, exactly, but she didn't say no. (scroll down to the other posts to find out what happened)
 
Females don't send mixed messages so much as males mix up messages. I didn't see anything in your post that really indicated that she has any interest in you. Girls give and receive friendly backrubs, it doesn't mean they want you as anything more than a friend.

It wouldn't hurt to ask her how she feels though, it'll make life easier in the long run.
 
Or should we say . . . you are a very confusing guy.

/Me wants to see your pic. You said you would send it to those who requested! :Q

Hey, I thought it might help me understand better what's going on.

You are confusing me. When I read the short-cut question, I thought: Oh! I know the answer.

However, when I read the detailed one, I got rather confused. It is not she who confused me as much as it is you who confuse me.

With my limited understanding, I think she expects of you to take charge and lead the game (i.e., intiate the dating game). You seem to think of her as a traditional Japanese chick, but at the same time, you expect her to do things or send signals as would an American chick.

Please quit confusing me. She's probably just as confused as you are 'cuz you are sending mixed messages. 🙂

If you really like her, like her, then ask her out. Quit using sneaky methods. If you ask her out, I'm sure she'll be able to say "yes" or "no". If she says yes, well I don't know what to think of a lady who is seeing someone she considers a "semi-boyfriend" yet accepts another relationship at the same time. It seems rather odd in that she's likely to do the same to you should she decide to go out with you.

Btw, I think you're better off being a friend really first . . . you might get to know a little more about her if you were rather a real friend instead of a lover-friend. 🙂
 
Hmm, very good points!

Edit
A little more elaboration - I was hesitant in asking her directly, specifically because I couldn't tell if she was interested or not(I have this thing against rejection), and she has a boyfriend as well (it might be an excuse, but I'd hate to get inbetween a relationship, regardless of its status) - and to be honest, I didn't see that she might be waiting for me to make a move as well . . . hmm, thanks. 😱
 
(I have this thing against rejection)

lol

Doh! You too???????? Hey, no one likes rejection but that doesn't mean it has to control what you do. 🙂

Good signs:
she used semi-boyfriend to you, she could have sent you packing with just 'boyfriend' but didn't...
backrub - not 'everyone' gets to touch...
accepted your "as cute as you" gesture

I say move forward so that you can be in touch with her, and ask her out if its the only way to see her. But don't come across too strong (i.e. work on being friends like Luvly said) because a "semi-boyfriend" might mean that she's hedging herself and wants to see what someone's all about before she dumps the other guy - but anyhow move forward till you're rejected, its worth it!


Oh btw, sure lets see some PICS to understand things better, but NOT of you...lol 😉
 
Well, Like I said, I only work with her - I didn't really get a chance to get a picture of her - I have no idea of how I could even post my own picture on the boards! (I have no webspace):frown:

Well, in all honesty, I think we're good enough friends now that I can tell her how I feel without it sending her packing (hopefully). She did give me her phone number - but she's never home, much like myself. Yeah, I really don't want to get inbetween her and her "semi-" even if it's been rocky for quite a while. Don't want the "wrath of the ex" on me quite yet.🙂

Edit
Hmm, one more thing - how did I send mixed signals to her? I'm not asking because I'm offended or anything like that, but rather to cut it out so she can get the drift, I guess. And thanks jjsole - your post was the onyl one that actually sounded like she had any amount of interest in me!🙂

LOL - no one voted for the last choice on the poll!
 
BUMP

As well as another question: how would I go about telling her how I felt? All the other relationships, well, I could tell pretty easily - I don't want to offend her or anything, though - hmm . . ..
rolleye.gif
 


<< BUMP

As well as another question: how would I go about telling her how I felt? All the other relationships, well, I could tell pretty easily - I don't want to offend her or anything, though - hmm . . ..
rolleye.gif
>>



Don't tell her how you feel, show her, by asking her out. You'll know if she's interested by her answer. Anything other than a yes means she's not interested. You kids are making this more complicated that it is.

rolleye.gif


Why do you think she'd offended if you ask her out? Be a man. She's a woman. Man and woman get together. Has been for thousands of years.

And why do you fear rejection? Dating is a numbers game. If this one doesn't work out, go onto to the next one.

If she rejects you, it doesn't mean she's not a nice person, doesn't mean you are not a nice person. Two of you just don't work together. Big deal. Next!!!

 
Hi Jehovah. I think it would be a mistake to let her know how you feel. I realize that you want to confess, but realize that the odds of her recriprocating are so small that it just doesn't seem worth it to me. First, she is in a relationship. Semi boyfriend or not she has a fella. Second, even if she broke up, she would be on the rebound and her emotions and feelings would be haywire. Third, you don't know if you will see her again. You sound as if she, or you, is leaving. If that's the case this would turn into a long distance relationship and your odds decrease further. Logically it makes no sense, but then again, when emotions are high, logic is low.🙂
 
See? There you go, giving me conflicting advice on what to do -
rolleye.gif

But you know what? I've had experiences where I had similar opportunities and didn't do anything about it - I really do ask myself "what if . . .." And it's spring, man! If it's a mistake telling her, I'll learn, I hope.😀

Well, thanks for your advice, I am learning a lot, because I never saw what others thought. Now if only I don't chicken out at the last second, it'll all come together!😱

Now I'll have to wait until Tuesday . . ..
 
One way or another, I think my method will clear up the confusion fast. You see, you go to work and start talking about relationships, then sidetrack into the dilemma of yours:

"I work with this girl at work (obviously) and I'm very, very attracted to her. We get along fine, and I can talk to her about basically . . . anything. But I think she still has that "Japanese" attitude (she grew up in Japan) where she is ultra-polite towards people she doesn't know that well, and I can't discern if she's just being really polite to me, or actually is attracted to me as well. The thing is, we both work at the dorm cafeteria, and when I talk to some girls I know over the counter, she doesn't look . . . happy (dareIsay jealous?) - but at the same time, when I try saying something that's kind of flirty to her, she makes a weird face at me like I said something that was not right. Well, I asked around, and she has a boyfriend apparently, but they've been on bad terms for a while. When I ask her about it, she says she has a "semi-boyfriend" and won't go into details. Seeing as how that is none of my concern, I left it there. Well, it gets more confusing from here on in. Last week, she invited me to a Thai Dinner that she's coordinating (she's an International Assistant, somewhat like the Vice Director of International Student Groups), and I asked if she's going to be there (I obviously know the answer) and said that if she's going to be there, I'll definitely be there. Weird look on her face. Well, unfortunately, I missed the dinner. But the last time I saw her, we were talking about her friends, and as a joke, I asked if a bunch of her friends were hot or cute. And when she said yes they were attractive, I asked if they were as cute as her - I was seriously expecting that look on her face again, but she actually laughed about it, much to my suprise. Later during the day, I ended up giving her a backrub without her fighting me or anything of the kind. One more thing - I told her I teach martial arts, and she told me she is interested in learning it as well, since she'd like to get in shape. I can't really tell if she's sincere in wanting to learn, or is just trying to talk."

😛 j/k. Everything I would suggest or say has already been posted so I won't bother.
 
🙂 I listed it out so it's easier. Hoep it helps. I just have so much things I want to say about her, but I can't form words - you know?
 
LOL! These advices are cracking me up! 😀 The tone of some of them tells the confusion is deliberate. They're trying to work you up to make a decision yourself! 😉


Well, try reading your post yourself and you'll see how possibly it would lead a woman to confusion. You're confusing me soooo much, so that I cannot tell whether to read into her responses. It is possible she simply perceives you as a goooooood male friend (in case she's someone who loves male friend. *Quack!*).

Like I said, keep it simple: Be straight-forward with her by asking her out.

No offence, but you say you don't want to interrupt her relationship, then why don't you let her go as a lover and just let her be a good female friend. Don't you like to have female friends? Otherwise, you cannot have any more excuses for why you can't be blunt with her if you keep up giving leads/showing interest.

I for one appreciate it when a guy is straight-forward with me. I dislike all of the run-around/pretenses. Yes, I know women are accused of this (which is the title of your thread), but they are so because men start the whole game by not letting their feelings known.

There's nothing to fear about rejection, except if all you sought from her was a bf/gf relationship. If you also sought friendship with her, then there's nothing to worry about rejection . . . at least that's how I perceive it. 😉 🙂
 
Heh, one more thing of interest . . . one of my best friends in college is constantly babbling like an idiot about this girl he let go - Good friends with this girl in high school, had a huge crush on her, apparently, but thought she didn't - he set her up with his best friend form back home, and now they're talking about marriage in the future (his crush and his best friend), and the ironic thing is, she had a crush on him as well back in the days - his best friend knows about this, and so does the girl, now, and he's still infatuated with the girl everytime he sees her . . ..
rolleye.gif
 
Wow - checking the polls before I go to sleep and I have to say ouch - apparently, you guys don't think I'm good enough for her🙁

. . ..

Ah well. I'll try to update as evens warrant, so expect this post to pop up after Tuesday! Wish me luck!😉
 
i just went through the hassle of subscribing to this thread at 4:30 in the morning, so you damn well better ask this chick out on tuesday hehehe... anyway stop being such a wuss and just ask the girl, she will most likely say yes and if she says no, then oh well. what do you really have to lose? some of that gigantic ego and what do you have to gain? why a hot girl that you seem to really be into. as far as i can see the good clearly surpasses the bad in your situation or pretty much any guy asking a girl out. so all you wusses out there thinking about asking a girl out, go right ahead and ask damnit! 😀

this might come as a shock to some of you, but girls will NOT come into your dark basement and ask you out while you're fragging away in CS or posting on AT
rolleye.gif
 
🙂 Now I'm all worried about what'll happen - 😱 I wish I had balls - I can fight people twice my size without flinching and now just thinking about this makes me want to pee my pants . . ..
 
update
well, I asked her to dinner, but she said that she would, except that she's . . too busy. BUt thte thing is, Ishe IS too busy, and I've known that from the beginning as well. And when I joked about her reply being an excuse, she got kinda annoyed and yelled at me 😱

Anyhoo, she didn't say no - that's a big plus😀 - but the thing is - I've only thought about what would happen if she said no - didn't consider that she'd actually say yes - but anyhoo, my last chance to see her tomarrow comes up!

And I apologize for the late update. Been kinda busy recently.😉
 
Anything but a yes is no. Think about it, if a girl you are interested in asked you out, and you have <whatever> that day, what would you do? That's right, you would rearrange your schedule to go out with her.

If she didn't at least counter offer, i.e. "No, I'm busy that day, but how about <another day>", then I'd say forget about her. Next girl please. 😀
 
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