[UPDATE - I DID IT] need suicide options

[Jeeebus]

Stuck in bankruptcy court training class. Battery on my droid is near death. Stuck here at least a few more hours and facing the reality of no internet.

I have a pen, a 19" monitor, some paper, a tie, and an apple. Please help me end it all ATOT.

 

[amdhunter]

Keep posting non-stop until your fingers bleed you to death.
EDIT: Oh wait, no Internets. OMG, I feel for you.

Try this.

Jam the pen into the monitor, until a shard comes out.
Take the monitor shard and stab it in your eye.
When you scream from the pain, jam the apple down your throat to choke yourself.
While choking, tie the tie on your penis, just for the extra lulz.

 

[MichaelD]

Do the "Disappearing Pencil Trick" that the Joker did to the gang leader at the beginning of Batman. "Ta-daaaaa!"

 

[PottedMeat]

see how many of those things you can fit in your ass, you may get some pleasure out of it (if that's your thing) until one object perforates your colon

 

[Jeeebus]

Also have a wildcard- one paper clip. Looking for Kevorkian-like painless death.

 

[amdhunter]

Also have a wildcard- one paper clip. Looking for Kevorkian-like painless death.

Push paperclip behind your neck? But still tie the tie to your penis first, for the lulz.

 

[xanis]

Is the room a couple floors up? Scream like a madman and throw yourself through the window.

 

[PottedMeat]

Is the room a couple floors up? Scream like a madman and throw yourself through the window.

yeah wasn't there a lawyer that died like that?

 

[brainhulk]

Stuck in bankruptcy court training class. Battery on my droid is near death. Stuck here at least a few more hours and facing the reality of no internet.

I have a pen, a 19" monitor, some paper, a tie, and an apple. Please help me end it all ATOT.

go to bathroom and commit david carradine hari kiri

 

[xanis]

yeah wasn't there a lawyer that died like that?

Yep: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garry_Hoy

Garry Hoy (1955 – 9 July 1993) was a lawyer for the law firm of Holden Day Wilson in Toronto. He is best known for the circumstances of his death; in an attempt to prove to a group of his partners at the firm that the glass in the Toronto-Dominion Centre was unbreakable, he threw himself through a glass wall on the 24th story and fell to his death after the window frame gave way.

 

[dpodblood]

You have a 19" monitor that isn't connected to a computer?

 

[JTsyo]

tied one end of the tie around the monitor, the other around your neck. Then throw the monitor out a window.

 

[MotF Bane]

Autoerotic masturbation, with the assistance of the tie, and the last vestiges of the Droid's battery life for inspirational material.

 

[Jeeebus]

You have a 19" monitor that isn't connected to a computer?

Only for the training. No internet, spider solitaire, etc.

 

[FDF12389]

Call the police before you battery dies, when they arrive hit one of them on the back of the head with your apple.

Thank me in the afterlife

 

[MagickMan]

auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Edit: bah, someone beat me to it.

 

[Braznor]

Write a will saying you are going to leave everything you own to me. Then use the tie to strangle yourself.

 

[PottedMeat]

Do you have someone willing to go to the afterlife with you?

Autoerotic Mummification: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KaLZNJ0XLRM

 

[Texashiker]

Tie a knot in the tie and swallow it

 

[Krazy4Real]

strangle somebody with your tie, you'll probably get shot.

 

[Texashiker]

strangle somebody with your tie, you'll probably get shot.

Run around outside wearing "only" the necktie and screaming gibberish, the police will take care of the shooting part.

 

[Jeeebus]

Doing something wrong. Have been using the tie and apple as masturbatory aides. Added the paper clip into the mix as a makeshift catheder.

I'm only chaffed and smell like apple juice- still alive. WTF?

 

[Zargon]

you should be using the apple as a suppository

 

[ElFenix]

are they teaching you bankruptcy ECF?

 

[moshquerade]

Autoerotic masturbation, with the assistance of the tie, and the last vestiges of the Droid's battery life for inspirational material.

i believe that's called autoerotic asphyxiation.

auto-erotic asphyxiation?

Edit: bah, someone beat me to it.

that makes 3 of us