A friend of mind sent this. this seems to have come from the SF Chronicle:
"The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print
it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth,
no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am
pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God.
The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two
abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility
of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by
the secretary. Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United
States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles
of extremist thought.Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all
religions (except Buddhism --14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism
subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by
angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your
moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth
to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression! People of the United
States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you
know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the
Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every
American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid
the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live
wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great
idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we
mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back
to the committee of the whole for further discussion. We are Unitarian
Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again,nor have we sworn
a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat
or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the
record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that
Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be
reflected in the minutes. Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin
acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference
between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will
begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television
studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned
discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by
hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who
have carefully thought through the issues. We are Unitarian Jihad. We
will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each
other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror
regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced
because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen
and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.Televangelists will
be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists.Demagogues of all
stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons. We are
Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have
heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just
because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your
motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or
comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the
park.Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you,
except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone. Brother
Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to
get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian.There
were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we
buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this
was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of
Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if
from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be
coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.Startling new
underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves
"relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.People can
still go to France, terrorist leader says. Michael row the boat
ashore, and then get some of the local kids to pull the boat onto the
dock"
"The following is the first communique from a group calling itself
Unitarian Jihad. It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous
spam remailer. I have no idea whether other news organizations have
received this communique, and, if so, why they have not chosen to print
it. Perhaps they fear starting a panic. I feel strongly that the truth,
no matter how alarming, trivial or disgusting, must always be told. I am
pleased to report that the words below are at least not disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are
Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God.
The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two
abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility
of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by
the secretary. Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United
States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles
of extremist thought.Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all
religions (except Buddhism --14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism
subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by
angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your
moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth
to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression! People of the United
States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you
know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the
Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every
American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid
the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live
wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great
idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we
mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back
to the committee of the whole for further discussion. We are Unitarian
Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again,nor have we sworn
a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat
or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the
record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good
person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that
Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be
reflected in the minutes. Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin
acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference
between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will
begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television
studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned
discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by
hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who
have carefully thought through the issues. We are Unitarian Jihad. We
will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each
other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we institute a terror
regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not formally introduced
because of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, spokesmen
and campaign managers to dress like trout in public.Televangelists will
be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists.Demagogues of all
stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons. We are
Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have
heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just
because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your
motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or
comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the
park.Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you,
except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone. Brother
Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out to
get him because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian.There
were murmurs of assent around the room, and someone suggested that we
buy some Congress members and really stick it to the Baptists. But this
was deemed against Revolutionary Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of
Patience was remanded to the Sunday Flowers and Banners committee.
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike
without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if
from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again! There will be
coffee and cookies in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.Startling new
underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves
"relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.People can
still go to France, terrorist leader says. Michael row the boat
ashore, and then get some of the local kids to pull the boat onto the
dock"
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