Understanding adult dismotivation

[linuxboy]

Hi ,

Lately, I've noticed that a good many people who are in their twenties and older experiencing a sort of crisis. The phenomenon in question is similar to the crisis of middle age, the one spoken of by Dante in saying the he found himself on a last path. It is also similar to the crisis the young people had before another one, of deciding what to do with their lives, of setting goals and expectations, and of making the preliminary explorations into who they are and what would bring them contentedness, out there in the ?real world?.

I have noticed people looking around at what they have built and noticing that their friends are either away or not true. I have noticed people looking at their degrees and hard effort, and wondering what good is the labor, when it has stopped bringing satisfaction. I look and notice a meaninglessness creeping it, as people stop to see what was previously important, thinking that it now has little value to them, because of their growth and change. I see reflection taking place and a great wandering by people with talent, as they lose ideals and succumb to pessimistic cynicism. And I wonder what the resolution will be, and its impact on others.

That is, to sum, people who are past the college stage are finding that their efforts do not lead to the outcomes they expected. It is not more glorious or satisfying than what they had done before, and so they lose faith and hope in doing anything else, settling for the quiet desperation of many, to live and die.

Do you find yourself in this predicament? If so, what?s the coping strategy?


Cheers !

 

[Kev]

yeah that happened to me in freshman year of high school, i cope by not caring

 

[gigapet]

glock to the dome is a good way of coping with this thread.

Next please......

 

[linuxboy]

Kev, yeah, but see, without caring, we miss oportunities to be open and gain insight fromt he world around us. It's like a nonsolution to a complex problem, only worsening it.

gigapet, I think suicide, though warranted after reading my ramblings, is not justified. But thanks for the comment.


Cheers !

 

[MattCo]

Putting all of your motivations in the accumulation of material things often leaves you wanting. Not always, but often.

(Fortune cookie I got last week)

-MC

 

[DurocShark]

This happens when "Real Live" intrudes on our goals and fantasies...

The solution?

Devote yourself to making YOUR real life the equal of your fantasies.

 

[nater]

I think you have to cope by taking pleasure out of the simple things in life. I'm in the summer between high school and college and I share that train of thought frequently. Recently just having a job, although it doesn't make me feel very purposeful (lots of downtime), has given me a much better sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. I don't really need the money from the job either, so I can give it pretty freely. It's nice to go out with friends and say I'll take up the check, or pay for movie tickets, etc. It's much easier said than done, but every once in a while you just have to stop thinking about an end purpose and just enjoy what's at hand.

**edit**
Okay I guess that doesn't really apply to those who just finished college and now feel lost....but that's where I'm at in life.

 

[kranky]

Before I start, I know this is stereotyping and absolutely doesn't apply to every person. I understand that.

I think people in their twenties have misguided expectations of what the post-college world is like. They aren't prepared for a job that might not thrill them to the core - if the job doesn't do that, then "it sucks". They have not developed relationships because they use IM and email instead of spending time actually being with people: they don't go to movies with their friends, they each buy or rent the DVD and watch the movie separately. Few are willing to do something for someone else without getting something in return. They are too materialistic, measuring their self-worth by their possessions and this leads to inevitable disappointment. And IMHO, they find they have a spiritual emptiness which they will not deal with because they are determined to be agnostic, and won't dare explore any type of spiritual path unless it's something that's "trendy". They are fascinated with celebrities and media for some reason I can't understand. They will only buy things, do things, or go places that are considered cool. Not very many are non-conformists.

I feel qualified to comment because in my job I hire a lot of entry-level people right out of a two-year tech school and have regularly dealt with people in their twenties for the last 15 years. I can definitely say this trend has occurred over time.

 

[desertdweller]

Do you find yourself in this predicament? If so, what?s the coping strategy?

The coping strategy for me was simple. I ran into what you are describing a couple
of years ago. My strategy is easy, be flexible.

Understand that your friends are changing just like you and they are finding different
directions in life. More importantly, understand that its OK that they go thier seperate
ways and be flexible enough to understand that its OK to make new friends.

Same thing with your career. Understand that change is inevitable and the more
flexible you are in your thinking, the more options you will have available to you as
you're making your career desicisions.

Life is what you make of it. Social status only holds the meaning that you put into it.

Edit:: One other bit about my life's strategy. I am going to die someday and there
will be read a eulogy. It will probably say the usual stuff about being a good father,
husband, etc.. Whats is in there is what is important and I want to live my life knowing
that it will all be true. I personally don't think I will be able to say I was a good father,
husband, etc. if I spent more time at work than at home. Maybe this is a bit morbid, but
I think that each person should think about what thier death will mean to the people
they love. For me, that is where I draw meaning.


DD

 

[Orsorum]

*tips hat to Pav on this bright morning*

There is always a disparity between the ideology of youth and the "reality" of the working world. From what I can tell, this has existed since... well, as far back as I have been able to discover. The University is a place of contemplation, learning, mistakes and redemption. The "real world" is far less kind. There is always frustration when one recalls younger days of idealism and simple lives; when jobs and children and mortgage payments enter the picture, a paycheck and good credit oft overshadow the more important aspects of life.

I am not sure of any coping mechanism yet, as I am blessed enough to still reside steeped in idealism. I have seen friends cope by abusing alcohol and drugs, by workaholism (let's work 90 hour weeks, then we mustn't be forced to remember our ideals), by mere denial. But, of course, we are already aware of the power of denial.

I asked my father once, if he was happy with the choices he had made in life, forgoing a close relationship with me earlier in life for job security, higher earning power (well, those last two sections were implied)... he said no. He lives in an area of the country where a 700k home is cheap, where one is forced to spend entire weeks away from family and home just to earn enough to survive.

Pav, I look at him and I whisper to myself, this will not happen with me. This must not. I love my father, but I do not seek to repeat his life. And so this will not happen with you (or, I wonder, were you even the subject of the thread? :Q). I believe you are, to an extent, stronger than this, though you are most likely overworked and worn down right now. There is some meaning to it all - one is somehow able to delight in their work while not ruining their life through it.

Or maybe I do not know of that which I speak. Hope your Friday goes well.

Shalom!

 

[linuxboy]

kranky, I think there is this sort of expectation young people have of being given and provided for. They have not dealt with huge issues like the Cold war, or Vietnam, or the loss of faith. They deal with them insofar as they feel lost, having been given these problems as "gifts" from their elders. But how is it resolved?

I like the two ideas of flexibility and finding pelasure in what's around us, that creation of meaning without social position or relevance to anyone save the importance it has for itself and to oneself.


Orsorum, *removes fedora and waves it*

I like the universality of drawing patterns across generations. The thoughts of the past interfere with the real obligations in the everyday, potentially stifling out life and meaning. I cannot say these words are not about me, as I am not immune from human problems and experience, but my crisis is not one of meaning, but more so of balancing enough to retain ideals and thought. It differs in that, though I am prone to cynicism, it never quite overwhelms. Instead, I am thrown to life's "real world" tasks, and maintain that balance through flexibility and personal creation of meaning.

This was more noticed among people to whom I am close, and I wondered what I can do to ease, and what to understand better, since my solution of 'Cheers' doesn't appeal to all.

I did like your idea, that of delighting in work and not having it consume life. Here, I think the idea of balance proves essential.

Cheers !

 

[DainBramaged]

Anymore I just don't give a fvck.

 

[BD2003]

I am in a somewhat similar position myself. I just graduated college, and I've got this "what now?" feeling inside of me. Up until this point its been go to school, graduate, go to next step of school, graduate etc

So now I'm "supposed" to get a job, but for the life of me I cant think of anything I really really want to do. Grad school isnt for me because I cant think of a single subject I'd like to go so deep into, and the only one available to me because of my major while quite interesting in undergrad, seems just pointless in grad.

Now I'm not the kind of person that really cares about "social status" or how much money I make or anything, but the problem is is that I live in a world that is full of these people. I cant escape it no matter how hard I try. Most people I know are starting to move towards their professional careers and all that, and I'm pretty much the only one left not caring. As long as I'm not starving and I'm comfy and safe, the rest is icing on the cake to me. But thinking this way seems to put me outside of everyone.

Even though I'm happy to be done with college and now have my own personal "probably will never starve" degree, what now? Just make money, grow old and die? I'm sure people have felt this way in the past but it seems more relevant nowdays. A few decades and centuries ago this wasnt a problem because most everyone had to work hard to survive, but nowadays even the poor people are so rich that it isnt about survival anymore, its about one upping the man next to you. Then again, I guess you could say thats just survival too, but its not the same kind of life or death competition. Couple that with the fact that finding a girl that has the same outlook on life and money as me is god damn next to impossible.

I'm not unhappy...just bored. Being stupified by my own existence and the world around me does kind of put everything in perspective though. But for some reason, I'm one of the only people I know who even thinks about things like that as well. It really hard to explain this feeling in words, but those of you who know what I mean are probably following me. I cant just shrug it off or satisfy my curiosity and wonder by saying "god made it that way, accept it". Existence is a pretty damn cool thing when you think about it, but everyone lives their life as if its all about getting more stuff and status than everyone around them, and putting down those who have not.

 

[rgwalt]

Golf

 

[Willoughbyva]

I think about this stuff all the time. Most of the people I used to hang around with are doing their own thing and I am trying to figure out how to do mine. I think that I need to be a stronger person as to finding my own thing and doing it and not caring so much as to what others think about me. I wish to do something that I like and have meaning to me. Most of the people around me goes out and does their thing, but they don?t seem to like it. I think it is hard for a person to find what they want to do once they have a bunch of bills and have their own cost of living. That is one thing that a lot of college people face. They are in so much debt from school that they have to do something to pay their bills off, leaving them with little time to experiment with the work world.

I think of phrases like ?start from the bottom and work your way up?. Well that is well and good, but you have to go through so many different situations to achieve that. Maybe I don?t want to be at the top. Maybe I want to do something I enjoy rather than live someone else?s idea of what life is about. It seems people around here like their independence, but are afraid of doing something that is really different than what everybody else is doing. It kind of seems like there is a separation between our ideas about life and the realities of life. Like others have said. Do we need to change our ideas or our realities? I don?t know I guess if someone had the answer there wouldn?t be a need for all the psychologists, psychiatrists and other people in this type of work.

I think the solution for me is to hit the lottery. I would give some money to my family and I would move away, hopefully to a better existence.

 

[Soybomb]

Well I'm 22 and certainly not exactly where I planned to be or making the money I thought I should be making at this point in life. That doesn't bother me really though too much. I do enjoy my job for the most part since its in a field I'm interested in. But more importantly when I leave work, I can do what makes me happy. I may not be able to travel like I wanted to yet, but I'm enjoying life otherwise. There is far more to life than how much stuff you can accumulate. People seem to take that as the ultimate measure of their success at times though.

 

[Orsorum]

Would be interesting to see any new thoughts on this.

 

[Ranger X]

Solution: Think about someone else's life that sucks more than yours.