troubled kid... not going to school...

[rh71]

My fiance's 15-year old brother has been skipping school (high school) completely. He just "finished" his sophomore year at the local school. During the regular school year (sept - june), he had cut school multiple times... instead he just walked around the neighborhood instead of actually being in his classes. This went on for months and my fiance nor their parents knew about it. Why? Because he intercepted every piece of mail that ever came. He forged his report card grades. My fiance is more of the parental figure than the actual parents (mom doesn't get home till 10pm and dad comes home once a week). Anyway, they finally caught on after looking at the report card more carefully at the end of the last school year. He failed 2 classes because of absences.

After a very stern talking-to, and taking away his tv and computer, he went and did it again during the summer make-up course. Not even once did he show up for it. Hell, it was just 1 class. Even before the summer class started, we asked him if there was a bully at school or if teachers were mistreating him in any way... all with a shameful-type reply of "no". We ask him what's wrong and he won't give an honest answer - simply "I'm just lazy"...

In my personal opinion, if he were just lazy, he would skip homework, not skip a full-day of school altogether. There must be something bothering him. Some reason he doesn't want to show himself at school. Self-esteem problems? He's got only a few friends, if any true ones... he's a diablo/warcraft computer kid who hardly ever gets out of the house. But he's never been rebellious like smoke or whatever else either. We encourage him to go out and he never does. My fiance had less attention as a kid than he does now (with parents situation and all) yet she turned out fine and he apparently isn't. She gives him all the love in the world.

Any advice as to how to get him back on track? We fear that sending him to another school (further away) would just encourage him to skip even more.. and perhaps wander more dangerous neighborhoods. He's 15 and a junior now... not even showing a bit of enthusiasm, but he shows no signs of depression either. Any help appreciated... we're 2 steps short of taking him to a psychiatrist.

 

[NutBucket]

Shock Collar (j/k)

Uhm, I dunno. I knew a guy who acted similarly when I was in hs. I think he was sent off to military/reform school or something of the sort. He's back in the area now, I think. Who knows if it did him any good or not.

 

[UsandThem]

He's 15 and a junior now... not even showing a bit of enthusiasm, but he shows no signs of depression either. Any help appreciated... we're 2 steps short of taking him to a psychiatrist.

He needs to talk to a psychiatrist. A lot of people who are depressed do not show it until it too late. Everyone who knew me when I was growing up thought I was happy and confident. They were all wrong. I was a mess inside.

After he speaks to a psychiatrist, he might need more parental attention. Seeing your father once a week does not cut it when you are a teenager. Your mother getting home at 10:00 pm and going to bed does not help either.

I should know because that is how my childhood was from 12 years old on. My younger brother is 23 and he is still screwed up from the whole experience. My parents just gave up on him, because they were too busy to really get involved with him at all.

 

[Evadman]

My brother did the same thing. He was heavy into drug use, and was even dealing. I beat the ever living crap out of him when I caught him dealing, and put him in the hospital. He has done a 180 since then with our parents, his g/f and my help.

I am not saying that drugs are a problem for you, and frankly, it seems that they are not. but info always helps.

 

[hollowman]

You/your fiance should talk to him more often. I think he is having some kind of depression.

If you can, put him in a school with dorm.

 

[KokomoGST]

Sounds like my 21 yr old bro, but his problems only manifested fully when he went to college where there was nobody to mind his business... after failing out of college twice he's doing squat at home wasting time. We had him see a therapist but he refused to go once the therapist told him to start looking at going to college again. He has lots of "friends"... random people he meets on IRC or weird deviant people from school... but again, no "true" friends. After spending 2 weeks straight with my church pastor he's starting to pick up a bit but he's still very much still in the some of the old destructive habits. At least there's some hope of him going to reenter school.

I don't have an answer either...
it's very frustrating because they don't wanna do anything and they either shut up/shut out completely or get really mad at you if you tell them what they're doing is bad for them. Sometimes I feel like beating the living daylights out of him...

 

[rh71]

^

 

[partimegeek]

It definitely seems as if he's depressed, but finding the cause is the hardest. High school is a very tough time. If you're a little bit down, you get down fast when you feel excluded/different/unappreciated.

He can't connect with anybody. His parents aren't really being parents, they're just providing room and board. They probably don't say 2 words to him except for "What's wrong with you?!". Think about when you had a problem and an adult asked what was wrong. Would you have told them? High school has self-esteem issues all the way through.

He needs a strong role model. No one has quality time for him (yes, everyone loves him, but has anyone ever taken him camping, played catch, pickup?) but they have time to question him. A psych won't really help if he doesn't want to share. Someone he can confide in, fight with, laugh with. Don't take him to something passive, make sure you do something active. Physical activity does wonder for the mind (Socarates was a smart man).

School is really important. Go talk to a counselor yourself to see how you can help.

Max.

 

[NetworkDad]

This is not normal behavior for a 15yr old boy. Of course, many students like to skip intermittently - But your future brother-in-law is going way beyond reasonable behavior. I would suggest immediate psycho-therapy. Try and find one locally that specializes in treatments without drugs, and specializes in adolescents.

Prescription drugs do nothing but dope up patients and make them walking zombies. They will not solve problems, and if they ever stop taking them, the problems will arise again. Behavioral/Psychological treatment and getting to the root of the issue(s) will be the only way to treat this.

Good luck.

 

[Azraele]

I'd get him some counseling. Or if there's some sort of big brother program where you are, you might try that.

 

[brtspears2]

Funny, I do the same thing but still pass classes.

But anyways, he have any friends? I'm stuck out here in some wasteland called University of California, Riverside. I have little to no contacts. I lock myself in my room and study. I come out for class when I feel like I need the lectures. I have self-esteem.

Or he is smarter than you think, realized what I realzied that high school was a bunch of crap. Never much prep for college anyways. Ask him.

 

[axelfox]

make him get a job and pay rent. Like that episode of the Cosby Show where Theo has to do all of that stuff.

 

[Jmmsbnd007]

Sounds just like me. He's tired of all the BS the teachers put him up to. Try a different school, or homeschooling. Not getting out of the house isn't the issue.

 

[CPA]

Why is this a physchological issue? Maybe school is just not for him. Not everyone belongs in school. Didn't Einstein drop out in 9th grade? Just as college is not for everyone (though some believe it should be a right to go to college

), high school may not be for him. Maybe he is destined for menial jobs or, as in the case of Einstein, maybe school is not challenging enough (I dare anyone to argue that school's have not been dumbed down) or exciting enough to keep his interest.

 

[rh71]

heh.. psychological. School, especially high school, is important because most everything in our world today requires a high school diploma. Even certain minimum-wage jobs (not talking about McD's here). It's important to her family as well. A college drop-out does not stand well among too many asian families, let alone a high-school dropout. He simply says "I don't know". He doesn't tell us about not wanting to go to school or that he wants to do anything else. It's a simple "I don't know" or "I'm just lazy".

Whatever the case, I appreciate ALL of your responses. There are many ideas in here that presented a better outlook for us. Our main focus from this point forth will be to give him attention at every chance and to get him out of his house more (even if that's not his true problem). His mom is taking some time off as well... especially as school is going to start soon. We're trying to crack him, believe me. Baby steps first...

 

[KevinF]

Originally posted by: NetworkDad
This is not normal behavior for a 15yr old boy. Of course, many students like to skip intermittently - But your future brother-in-law is going way beyond reasonable behavior. I would suggest immediate psycho-therapy. Try and find one locally that specializes in treatments without drugs, and specializes in adolescents.

Prescription drugs do nothing but dope up patients and make them walking zombies. They will not solve problems, and if they ever stop taking them, the problems will arise again. Behavioral/Psychological treatment and getting to the root of the issue(s) will be the only way to treat this.

Good luck.

What are you talking about? Anti-Depressants are not inherently bad. Drugs like Prozac (and many newer ones) really help with clinical depression.

rh71, your future brother and law definitely needs therapy -- but don't be afraid of drugs if the therapist thinks that they will help.

 

[CPA]

Originally posted by: rh71
heh.. psychological. School, especially high school, is important because most everything in our world today requires a high school diploma. Even certain minimum-wage jobs (not talking about McD's here). It's important to her family as well. A college drop-out does not stand well among too many asian families, let alone a high-school dropout. He simply says "I don't know". He doesn't tell us about not wanting to go to school or that he wants to do anything else. It's a simple "I don't know" or "I'm just lazy".

Whatever the case, I appreciate ALL of your responses. There are many ideas in here that presented a better outlook for us. Our main focus from this point forth will be to give him attention at every chance and to get him out of his house more (even if that's not his true problem). His mom is taking some time off as well... especially as school is going to start soon. We're trying to crack him, believe me. Baby steps first...

Thanks for the correction, that last post of mine was horrendous in terms of spelling and grammatics. See, I have a college education and still can't always put a paragraph together properly . In any case, I just hesitate to jump on the psychological problem bandwagon. Maybe he is just lazy or maybe he is just bored.

 

[Slacker]

:| namby pamby hand holding B.S! MILITARY SCHOOL!!!

 

[BD2003]

I used to do the same exact same thing when I was in high school. Ill tell you exactly why he's doing it. He doesnt care about school. Its because he truely doesnt understand the consequences of his actions (I had to wait 2 years to get into the college of my choice, and its a freaking state college). I truely didnt put these two things together, and hindsight is always 20/20. And yes, laziness has a lot to do with it too.

If I had to blame someone other than myself, it'd definitely be my parents, for mostly ignoring me. It seems like this is the exact same thing going on.

If you want to get him back on track, ask him what he wants from life, and explain to him how he's never ever going to get that if he cuts school. Knock it into his head until he truely understands. MAKE him do his homework. Make sure he goes to school. Discipline the little bastard like I never was.

 

[chiwawa626]

Mabey he needs to talk to someone within his own age range to give him some advice, im sure he'll take a friend or a cousin his age more serious then he would take you. Man i wish i had a chance to talk to him, im a senior in highschool and upto this year i havent been too involved in hs except doing good in my classes and all...now i realize i have 1 year of HS left and after that its it and i wont see my friends and that firendly atmosphere ever again, so im trying to make this year the best i can and have something to remember HS by...I did Link-crew for freshman orientation this year, basicly its where u welcome the freshmans on orientation day and talk with them, well i thought it was a great experiance and they actauly listend to us rather then the administrators, i think its important to speak to soemone in their own age range about such issues... Good luck

 

[Ameesh]

miltary school

 

[SilverThief]

Drive him around a couple of construction sites, point out the $6 hour laborers that never got an education either.