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Trash my cover letter!

I

IHAVEAQUESTION

Golden Member
Yup, I am applying job at ucla. I don't really have a space online to host the file so I will copy and paste here. Let me know how I can improve on my cover letter. 🙂

Dear Hiring Manager,

I learned about your career opportunity from XXX and I submit my cover letter with resume for consideration for Accountant I position. My academic preparation and working experience in accounting and tax have qualified me for this position. I am strongly interested in securing an interview with you to propel my career.

My graduate study in MBA with an emphasis in finance demonstrates both my keen interest in finance and analytical ability. My in depth knowledge in finance satisfies the financial management requirement in your job posting. I have taken several finance/accounting courses and am very comfortable with complex financial analysis.

I have volunteered in the VITA program to offer free tax help to low-income people. I also have worked as an Accounting Assistant at SES International and have extensive practice in journal entries and account reconciliation. I currently work as a Tax Associate at The California Credits Group, LLC. The scope of my position includes analyzing clients' qualification for tax credits and identifying potential clients to facilitate marketing support for our managers. I am also in charge of implementing payroll and tax information to generate credits for our clients. The nature of the job requires significant amount of teamwork. Therefore, I am confident that I have the communication skills and leadership traits necessary for success.

My enthusiasm for UCLA was reinforced after following closely on the successful conclusion of the campaign for UCLA. Since then I have read several articles from your website to gain a better understanding on the financial resources required for UCLA to remain prosper in the future. As one of the best public university, UCLA has a bright future. I believe my background will help UCLA becoming an ever more evolving institution that it strives to be.

I look forward to meeting with you and sharing more about my qualifications and desire to work for UCLA. Thank you for your consideration.


Sincerely,

XXXX
 
Without seeing the job description of the post, it's kinda hard for anyone to know if that's a good cover letter.

Personally, I would personalize it more.

I hope you aren't planning on writing "Dear Hiring Manager".

 
Looks pretty good.

ditch the "hiring manager" and get a name (use that thing called a telephone to get one)

Other than that it looks pretty good. Maybe in the last line include something more concrete - "I will call you by next friday to discuss next steps. Until then I look forward to meeting you"

something along those lines.
 
Awful.

Here is a suggested edit, but caution because this was done quick. You should work it a lot more than this. YOu need a dynamite cover letter, not a pedestrian run-of-mill one.

Why don't you try to get one of the women on here or around you at home to help you? Women are the best at writing letters.

SHow your name, address, e-mail & tel atop letter.

Date

Recruiting Manager
UCLA
Westwood
Los Angeles, CA 900__

Subject: Interview request
Ref: Position #### as Accountant I

Dear Manager,

This is to request an interview for the position as Accountant I, which I learned about from XXX. The academic preparation and work experience in accounting and tax described in my enclosed resume qualify me for this position.

I've completed several MBA finance/accounting courses, have keen interest in finance, and am skilled at complex financial analysis.

In my current role as a Tax Associate at The California Credits Group, LLC, I've enabled clients to qualify for new tax credits and have identified potential new clients for the firm. I'm also in charge of analyzing payroll and tax information for clients. I demonstrate the communication, team working and leadership traits necessary for success at UCLA.

Also, my volunteer service in the VITA program has provided free tax help to low-income people. I have extensive experience with journal entries and account reconciliation.

I'm enthused at the prospect of working for UCLA, one of the best public universities in the world. Please phone me at ___-___-____ or e-mail to _____@____.___ to schedule an interview. Thank you for your interest. I look forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,

IHAVEAQUESTION

enclosed: resume
 
You have a couple grammatical errors. A few that came to my mind are:

(1) Shouldn't it be in-depth?
(2) "UCLA to remain prosper in the future" - isn't prosper a verb?
(3) "As one of the best public university" - I think it should be universities
 
Ok, the above grammatical errors are corrected. I've changed some phrases...it's not that different from the previous one, but let me know what you guys think of it now. Btw, what if I really can't get the name of the hiring manager? What should I put in there?

New version:

Dear Recruiting Manager,

I learned about your career opportunity from HERC website and I submit my cover letter with resume for consideration for position: XXXXXX. My academic preparation and working experiences in accounting and tax have qualified me for this position. I am strongly interested in securing an interview with you to propel my career.

My degree in MBA with an emphasis in finance demonstrates both my keen interest in finance and analytical ability. My in-depth knowledge in finance satisfies the financial management requirement in your job posting.

I have volunteered in the VITA program to offer free tax help to low-income people. I have also worked as an Accounting Assistant at XXXXX and have extensive experience in journal entries and account reconciliation. I currently work as a Tax Associate at XXXXX. The scope of my position includes analyzing clients' qualification for tax credits and identifying potential clients to facilitate marketing support for our managers. I am also in charge of implementing payroll and tax information to generate credits for our clients. The nature of the job requires significant amount of teamwork. Therefore, I am confident that I have the communication skills and leadership traits necessary for the success in this position.

I am enthused at the prospect of working for UCLA. After following the news on the successful conclusion of the campaign for UCLA, I have read several articles on your website to gain a better understanding on how the university operates behind the scene. I believe my background and affection for your institution will help UCLA becoming an ever more involving university that it strives to be.

I look forward to meeting with you and sharing more about my qualifications and desire to work for UCLA. Thank you for your consideration.


Sincerely,

XXXXXXX
 
Originally posted by: scott
Awful.

Here is a suggested edit, but caution because this was done quick. You should work it a lot more than this. YOu need a dynamite cover letter, not a pedestrian run-of-mill one.

Why don't you try to get one of the women on here or around you at home to help you? Women are the best at writing letters.

SHow your name, address, e-mail & tel atop letter.

Date

Recruiting Manager
UCLA
Westwood
Los Angeles, CA 900__

Subject: Interview request
Ref: Position #### as Accountant I

Dear Manager,

This is to request an interview for the position as Accountant I, which I learned about from XXX. The academic preparation and work experience in accounting and tax described in my enclosed resume qualify me for this position.

I've completed several MBA finance/accounting courses, have keen interest in finance, and am skilled at complex financial analysis.

In my current role as a Tax Associate at The California Credits Group, LLC, I've enabled clients to qualify for new tax credits and have identified potential new clients for the firm. I'm also in charge of analyzing payroll and tax information for clients. I demonstrate the communication, team working and leadership traits necessary for success at UCLA.

Also, my volunteer service in the VITA program has provided free tax help to low-income people. I have extensive experience with journal entries and account reconciliation.

I'm enthused at the prospect of working for UCLA, one of the best public universities in the world. Please phone me at ___-___-____ or e-mail to _____@____.___ to schedule an interview. Thank you for your interest. I look forward to meeting you.

Sincerely,

IHAVEAQUESTION

enclosed: resume
Click to expand...


/
l
l
Better.
 
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