Transgender Day of Visibility - Ask a Trans person thread

[nakedfrog]

Apologies if this is invasive, but the thread said to ask and I’m curious 😛 How did your wife handle this? It seems like it would be difficult for her to change her sexual preference, unless she was already interested in women as well.

I'm not her, I can say that of the trans people I know locally, a sample size of 6 of us had predominantly dated women who weren't straight, even prior to coming out. Only one of them was married when she came out, and she's still happily married to her wife. I've heard tales of couples where the supportive spouse is "only gay for their spouse". Obviously it doesn't always work out, some switch to an open wedding, and lots of times, it ends up in a divorce.
I met my current partner just a few months after I'd started identifying as genderqueer (that was my starting point, it's kind of a vague term, so it was comfortable), I told her that the first time we met, and she had always considered herself straight. She was initially hesitant about my transition, but has thus far been very happy with the results. She also did some reflection, and thought about how before she'd never gone out with a girl, and had never even kissed a girl--well, except for that one time. And that other time. And that other girl She was raised conservative Christian, so that had some impact on the matter (since being gay was obviously bad, and she didn't want to be bad). We've been together almost 9 years now, and plan to have a Big Gay Wedding in a couple years.

 

[Dirigible]

Hey nakedfrog. You are one of the people with whom I've truly enjoyed chatting on this and other message boards over the years. I'm delighted to hear that you are happier and healthier than ever. This is fantastic.

I don't really have any questions. Just want to voice my support to you and every other transgender person on this day. (And all other days. Except days when I'm cranky. Then y'all can gfy along with every other person in the entire annoying world.)

 

[lxskllr]

Have you met your partner's parents? Wondering how they parse your transition as it relates to their daughter. Gay or not?

 

[kitkat22]

Apologies if this is invasive, but the thread said to ask and I’m curious 😛 How did your wife handle this? It seems like it would be difficult for her to change her sexual preference, unless she was already interested in women as well.

It's a bit easier being on an anonymous forum. I have been very open about my history and my wife has done a lot about opening about hers. We have an amazing relationship and have been married for 19 years. When I came out to her 8 years ago, as you can imagine, it was a bit of a shock. Over time though, she realized I didn't really change all that much. For her looking back, after I told her, she was able to say, "this explains a lot." The transition process for me has been very gradual over the years. It wasn't until late last year I decided to fully transition. My wife has expressed appreciation for the slow transition and admitted recently she has had "gay" feelings in the past. It's helped.

Initially, when I started taking hormones, I tried to hide the physical changes. Or tried to be gradual about it. I did get laser hair removal and wore compression shirts regularly. Over time, the sports bras and compression shirts started to hurt and I did not want to have to suffer doing that any more. So, I essentially burned the compression shirts, ditched the sports bras - except with physical activity and embraced the changes. I am getting electrolysis, grew out my hair, etc.

I did get the orchiectomy for the above reasons, but I suspect if the pain wasn't there it would have eventually happened anyway. In terms of more surgeries, it will be a wait and see process. I also have a bleeding disorder that makes surgeries a little bit more complicated and dangerous.

 

[kitkat22]

Have you met your partner's parents? Wondering how they parse your transition as it relates to their daughter. Gay or not?

I wife's parents and siblings were the first people I came out to after my wife. They are absolutely incredible people and generally relatively conservative. They have been very kind and accepting. I have actually been very lucky with my overall family. After my wife, I was the most anxious with my parents. I did a good job hiding overall growing up, but I was caught a few times. They were told it was a "phase." But I was called a "freak" by my mom one time. If ever you want to close some one down quick, that is the way to do it. It's taken many years for me to get over that. My mom already has mental health issues, so I haven't brought it back up and I probably won't. My parents, particularly my dad, has been willing to talk and try to understand. My mom is still working on it.

 

[nakedfrog]

Hey nakedfrog. You are one of the people with whom I've truly enjoyed chatting on this and other message boards over the years. I'm delighted to hear that you are happier and healthier than ever. This is fantastic.

I don't really have any questions. Just want to voice my support to you and every other transgender person on this day. (And all other days. Except days when I'm cranky. Then y'all can gfy along with every other person in the entire annoying world.)

Aw, shucks, I appreciate that, you cranky ol' balloon!

Have you met your partner's parents? Wondering how they parse your transition as it relates to their daughter. Gay or not?

I've met them a few times, but haven't seen them since I came out. Her mom is generally at least courteous about it when they talk, but was slow to shift pronouns and accept that it was happening. They already have another gay child, and two non-binary children (I don't think the non-binary ones are out to them). Pre-surgery, she mostly thinks I'm a silly man playing dress-up, afterwards I'll just be a confused person who mutilated themselves, so it's not really "gay".

 

[Zorba]

Sounds like you need some "ya'll" in your life.

I have you all. But when you are telling a story about Sarah and Jane, you all doesn't help much.

 

[GodisanAtheist]

I'm just going to jump into the deep end here with some questions:

- Have you ever wished you were not trans?

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

- Have you ever seriously considered suicide?

 

[nakedfrog]

I'm just going to jump into the deep end here with some questions:

- Have you ever wished you were not trans?

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

- Have you ever seriously considered suicide?

Me personally? No, I never wished that. I've heard that from other people though, that they wish they were cis. I feel like that would fundamentally alter who I am as a person.

I'm currently seeing a therapist (for about 1.5 years now), as it's a requirement for insurance purposes to get coverage for some procedures, and my only current diagnosis is gender dysphoria.

Oh, absolutely, I thought about killing myself all the time when I was a teenager, and I self-harmed. Ultimately decided that ending my suffering wasn't worth the pain it could cause other people, so I resigned myself to just living. I think that kind of reflected in the way I lived life for a long time, since I didn't particularly value myself as a person.

 

[skyking]

^ that last point hits home so hard for me. I think that the gender dysphoric teens have been a large chunk of the teen suicides. It breaks my heart to think that life basically ended at puberty for these young adults., and often for lack of compassion and understanding in our society.
I really don't have questions as such, just positive affirmation as @Dirigible stated.
My niece's child has been exhibiting dysphoria and has been identifying as male for a while now, with the complete understanding of the whole extended family. We'll do everything under the sun to make him loved and happy.
He is in Seattle proper, and as such has a better chance of acceptance at school. I shudder to to think of the kids in other places.
As for pronouns, I resolutely avoid them

 

[MrSquished]

I can't say I can understand what it must be like to go through something like that, and it is a strange concept, but I do support you in what you do and I know for sure nobody is choosing to do this for fun, especially knowing what crap might be coming their way from so many people in society, so why people have to hate is beyond me.

 

[[DHT]Osiris]

I don't have a huge amount else to add, so I'll just throw in my support for the first 'trans' character I saw on television, as a youth. As with most things in life, Klingons have the answer.

 

[nakedfrog]

On a side note, I can now officially say that my feet have actually gotten smaller, which I didn't expect. It's not one of the listed results they tell you to expect, but I've heard about it happening anecdotally. I've been wearing size 13 (US) Doc Martens for twenty years, my new pair of size 12s showed up in the mail today and damned if they don't fit. Allegedly has to do with changes in ligaments or something, IDK.

 

[lxskllr]

That's weird. Totally not something I would have considered.

 

[kitkat22]

I'm just going to jump into the deep end here with some questions:

- Have you ever wished you were not trans?

- Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?

- Have you ever seriously considered suicide?

Yes, all the time growing up. It took me 30 years to realize I wasn't making this up and to finally accept it and appreciate who I am.

Gender dysphoria and depression. But otherwise no.

I did seriously consider suicide and this happened relatively recently. I don't think my wife really fully knows how close I was. Thankfully, I reached out and trusted my wife, my counselor and called the suicide hotline. I accepted help and I am glad I did.

 

[kitkat22]

On a side note, I can now officially say that my feet have actually gotten smaller, which I didn't expect. It's not one of the listed results they tell you to expect, but I've heard about it happening anecdotally. I've been wearing size 13 (US) Doc Martens for twenty years, my new pair of size 12s showed up in the mail today and damned if they don't fit. Allegedly has to do with changes in ligaments or something, IDK.

I am size 13 in women's. I can't find a darn thing in size 13 in women's! I mean, I can, but the selection is absolutely tiny!

 

[nakedfrog]

I am size 13 in women's. I can't find a darn thing in size 13 in women's! I mean, I can, but the selection is absolutely tiny!

I've now gone from "not a chance in hell" to "maybe, but good luck!" for women's sizes

 

[lxskllr]

Y'all consider drag queen shoes? Might be too flamboyant, but I never paid attention. I know there's a boutique industry that caters to that market.

 

[nakedfrog]

Y'all consider drag queen shoes? Might be too flamboyant, but I never paid attention. I know there's a boutique industry that caters to that market.

Yeah, there are always options if one is ready to spend enough money, but it's nice to just walk into a shoe store and shop, where you can try things on. I'm also not really looking to add any significant height, I'm already over six feet as it is. I've had a couple older men stop in a grocery store to comment on my height in my current shoes...

 

[kitkat22]

Y'all consider drag queen shoes? Might be too flamboyant, but I never paid attention. I know there's a boutique industry that caters to that market.

Oh, there are ways to find shoes. Just not at department stores. Torrid and Zappos are great for unusual sizes. Thankfully, size 13 is just outside of common. The highest I typically see in stores is 11. They are there but it's fun to whine and complain about. Like trying to find pants and jeans with pockets!!!!

 

[lxskllr]

Heh... I've heard about the pocket complaints. A pocket that isn't a pocket would piss me right off :^D

 

[skyking]

what the actual fuck on the foot change.

 

[kitkat22]

what the actual fuck on the foot change.

I experienced it a bit as well. I went from men's size 12 to 11. Estrogen actually causes relaxation of ligaments. How it makes things smaller? Not sure.

One of the interesting asides that has been part of research is the whole index:ring finger ratio. 2D:4D ratio. The association is Estrogen exposure vs testosterone during gestation. Women are likely to have a longer index and men shorter. There is an association among transgender individuals to have different ratios depending on identity. Mine does have the higher ratio. Is it proof? No. But interesting none the less.

 

[kitkat22]

Thanks for having the courage to speak up.

I don't know if the topic is too varied to answer my question, but basically I just don't understand the transgender person's situation. I understand some of the causes--for example, there scientifically are more than two genders. But to the individual, is it more physical (dislike or discomfort with the physical body)? Is it mental? Is it societal? Is it hormonal? Is it some different combination of the above for every trans individual? Does making a change (hormonal, sexual, surgical, dress, etc) actually improve things? Or, is there just so much going on that it is like unwrapping an onion, layer by layer?

Suppose someone went through a surgical gender change. Does that person suddenly feel better after the surgical pain fades? Or are there still layers of mental concerns and societal concerns left? If so, did the problem really get solved? Is it really a multi-pronged approach that is needed? And when the problem is solved, what is gained? Is it a feeling of fitting in? Is it self-esteem? Etc?

I guess I'm very action oriented, I do what is needed to get from A to B. But, I don't think I even understand the A or the B for trans people or if getting to B is really the goal. Every explanation of trans people applies to me: I never fit in with society, I strongly dislike my body (I'd gladly switch my skin with any randomly selected person), etc. But I am as cis-gendered as can be. What is the trigger between having something "off" and being trans?

This one is a bit of a challenge. I do feelnit is a combination of all the above but I don't know how much society really, truly plays a role. The reason I say that is transgender people exist across the world and through time. There are societies that accept transgender individuals and those that don't. Obviously, it's easier to be ourselves with cultures who accept us.

The feeling is akin to something wrong. For me it's an anxious feeling. Kinda like forgetting to turn off the stove or leaving your wallet in the shopping cart and returning and hoping it's still there. It's almost a natural evolution of ourselves. The things we interact with, the relationships we want to have, the friends we associate, there are times where people will clearly say, "that person is transgender." Other times it's more subtle. Growing up, I hung out and talked with the girls. I related with them so much more. I seriously cried when I hit puberty because I was really hairy. My son inherited this.

I was able to use an analogy that some might relate. Imagine having headphones on and listening to nothing but static. The noise at times is louder vs softer but always there. You cannot take off the headphones. Transitioning helps turn down the volume. For some, turning it down a little is all they need, for others a full transition is needed.

I tried partially transitioning and that was a failure. It just simply didn't work. Maybe it's a problem of interaction with the brain/body/spirit? All I know is I could not look at myself in a mirror as a male. I loathed it. After transitioning, I am starting to be able to love and appreciate myself.

 

[kitkat22]

Bringing the thread back for an interesting update. Don't know if will change minds but here goes.

I have hemophilia as well as being transgender and yes, the frequent reminder that hemophilia typically is a male condition sucks. I get injured from time to time and this last week was no exception. Banged my knee on some furniture and ended up with a hemearthrosis and a bracelet. I can take Tylenol. Can't take NSAIDS because of the bleeding risk, which leaves opiates, which I hate.

Why do I hate opiates? Because even small doses make me ill. I get lightheaded, dizzy, hypotension, pukey, all the things. I started thinking about this this week and wondered why do small doses of opiates try to put me under. Opiates aren't the only problem. Preop use of benzos cause me problems as well. And in terms of HRT use, I only need very low doses. So, I asked myself, is there a commonality to this?

Turns out there is and this is where it gets interesting. The enzyme CYP3A4 is responsible for the metabolism of a lot of drugs, like the above. It's also responsible for the synthesis of cholesterol (mine is super low) and the metabolism of sex hormones. The enzyme is located in the liver, intestines and brain. We haven't figured out why it's in the brain yet.

So here's my theory, for me, I have a genetically dysfunctional CYP3A4 that's causing the med weirdness, low cholesterol and gender dysphoria and being transgender.

I'm strongly considering getting this idea tested, though finding the right test and person to order will be interesting. It will probably cost me out of pocket.

Will be interesting to see people's toughts.