Transgender Day of Visibility - Ask a Trans person thread

[nakedfrog]

March 31st is International Transgender Day of Visibility, when we trans people take a -4 penalty to stealth checks
Being as I've been out and transitioning for a couple years now, I figured maybe I'd take this opportunity to answer questions, since there's a lot of stuff you might not know but could be curious about, and generally it's not always polite to just ask these questions to someone you know, or maybe you don't even know any trans people. If we could keep it mostly informational and not political, that would probably be best (so, maybe not discussing trans kids or sports, etc). I'm game for answering medical questions, interpersonal stuff, etc.
Just in case it doesn't go without saying, we're not a monolith as a culture, in much the same way that different sects of Christianity don't agree on everything, but I do get exposed to other viewpoints within the community, so I have some awareness of varying opinions. Being non-binary, I'm still a minority even within the minority, so my experience is a little different than many.

For a brief synopsis, I'm kind of one of the "classic" cases that knew something was off from a very young age, and it caused a bit of strife growing up. Did some cross-dressing in private, like many of us do, lots of mental energy consumed by the disconnect. It kind of led to me just drifting through life as a passive participant. You hear a lot of "I was born in the wrong body" comments, honestly, it seems like that statement doesn't ring true for a lot of us, this is my body, it felt more like I was in the wrong timeline, if that makes any sense. It's a subtle difference, but the prevailing portrayal of the experience of trans people didn't really fit with the way I felt, so I didn't think it applied to me. Rather than actively hating my body, I was kind of neutral, and just felt like I was piloting a meatsuit through life that I didn't have a specific attachment to (so I didn't take very good care of it). As I finally started the process of accepting my inner nature (which took years), I went from merely "existing" to actually living. I topped out at about 300 lbs, and used to drink a LOT (typically between a pint and a fifth per night, but sometimes more). Now I've been at about 163 lbs for nearly two years, and am literally in the best shape of my life, at age 44.

 

[Zorba]

Why do people have to say "She/Her," "He/him," or "They/Them." Why not just She, He, or They? Does anyone go by "She/Him?"

 

[13Gigatons]

I wonder if this has anything to do with hormone disruptors....all that plastic is coming home to roost.

 

[kitkat22]

In support of nakedfrog and to try to allow for open communication and discussion, I will also put my name forward and place myself in a position of vulnerability. The intention is to teach and inform with demonstration we are real people.

My experience is a little different than nakedfrog, I knew very early on and my first memories of being "different" started about 8 years old. I really tried to lay low because may family was dealing with significant other difficulties related to my next older sibling, who was diagnosed with AIDS/HIV. This was during the 80s and most people lived in fear of our family for fear of exposing others to the virus. I did not want to cause more concern and pretty much towed the line. I cross-dressed, was confused as all get out. I wanted to run away, but had no idea where to go. I had no resources to turn to, so I forced myself to do the only thing I could. I overworked myself to deal with the emotions. I got married, have four kids and pushed my way through medical school. As I approached the end of residency, I realized I couldn't keep up the facade. I came out to my wife and subsequently family and the world. I have been on HRT for about 8 years. I go by she/her and am presenting at work, home and church.

In answer to Zorba's question - it wouldn't surprise me. My circle of people I interact with is relatively small, but given the extent of LGBTQ individuals out there and the broad range of feelings and emotions related to the subject. Pronouns are tricky to begin with and some are more comfortable alternating between them. I certainly started out that way and realized it cause more problems of confusion. As a consequence, I changed my pronouns to she/her.

 

[nakedfrog]

Why do people have to say "She/Her," "He/him," or "They/Them." Why not just She, He, or They? Does anyone go by "She/Him?"

I use she/they pronouns (which means you can use either, though I actually prefer to hear both used--not picky as long as I don't get "he").
Yes, there are in fact people who use she/him, or she/they/him, and in the younger crowd, some even like it/its.
But I think the she/her/hers is mostly because just a random "she" or "him" might not convey the meaning, don't know for sure the origin of the practice though.
I do have one friend who uses he/she/they, depending on whether the pronoun is being used in the subject/possessive/nominative--and I'm like: uh, that's a lot, but fortunately he doesn't really ask people to comply with it. I don't have time to diagram a sentence while I'm talking

I wonder if this has anything to do with hormone disruptors....all that plastic is coming home to roost.

I mean, given trans people are documented to exist prior to plastics, I'm inclined to think not?

This is one of my favorite stories of an old west trans person: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Allen_(trans_man)
Dude was out there getting in street fights and shit, without the benefit of testosterone.

 

[pauldun170]

How often do you have to deal with people asking about your junk?
Where do you live?
Did you get judgmental towards overweight people now that you have slimmed down (like ex smokers do against smokers).
As an adult, what have been sort of worst moments you have had to deal?

 

[pauldun170]

What sort of bullshit have you had to deal with when doing basic crap like DMV forms or travelling or police officers.
How has it been dealing with "da gubmint"

 

[[DHT]Osiris]

Do you find it frustrating that every facet of human civilization has such burning requirement to put labels on things and put things into boxes that you either need to define yourself via terms you don't necessarily like or agree with, or even invent new terms you feel more comfortable with that you then have to try to convince other people to use?

Cuz I sure fucking do.

 

[kitkat22]

I wonder if this has anything to do with hormone disruptors....all that plastic is coming home to roost.

Maybe - keep in mind there is a long history of people who identify as transgender. the word "transgender" wasn't introduced until about the 1960s, but if you were to look at ancient history, transgender individuals, or at the least the concept, has existed for a long time.

there are a number of theories being researched but there is a strong indication being transgender has a basis in biology. I suspect what we will find is there isn't just "one gene" that leads to this, but multiple potential causes. Looking at the causes of intersex conditions there are at least 50 that are known and likely many more. It would not surprise me at all if we find for transgender individuals variations in hormone response, metabolic pathways dysfunction, problems with hormone receptors, gestational issues, possible environmental concerns associated with plastics, etc. There is a lot to look at.

For me, I do have a potential theory for myself and hopefully gets people thinking. I was talking to a friend several weeks ago about their intersex condition and trying to point them in the right direction about getting it figured out. As we went over various metabolic pathways for intersex conditions, I reviewed how the hormones estrogen and testosterone are produced. The starting molecule for many hormones in the body is cholesterol and interestingly I have very low cholesterol. My total cholesterol is 100, HLD 30 and LDL is 45. Triglycerides were only 35. I also have interesting liver studies where a lot of these processes take place. Several relatively recent studies show a correlation of depression/anxiety with hypocholesterolemia, but it's also interesting to note that cholesterol lowering medications (statins) cause disruptions in sex hormones. My theory is my low cholesterol with liver weirdness may be associated with me being transgender, but at present there are no definitive studies or current research being performed. So there is one possibility. There is likely many more.

 

[Zorba]

Thanks for the responses. I wish we could go to non-gendered pronouns and end up with at least 4 different ones. I hate when I'm taking about two people of the same gender. Not sure how you'd make it clear who was one verses the other though.

 

[kitkat22]

How often do you have to deal with people asking about your junk?
Where do you live?
Did you get judgmental towards overweight people now that you have slimmed down (like ex smokers do against smokers).
As an adult, what have been sort of worst moments you have had to deal?

I haven't gotten many questions regarding anatomy. I hope people would be more respectful than that. A few years ago, while on HRT, I did start developing significant testicular pain. It was progressive and incredibly debilitating. Imagine getting kicked and not having it go away. It was not unusual for my wife to find me curled in a ball on the floor in tears. It was bad enough it caused me to spit up several times. The only relief that helped was to sit in a warm bath. Tried pain medications, tried changing clothes, nothing else seemed to work.

We felt it was probably associated with the hormones and I worked to connect with a urologist. The challenge I was running into was trying to find the right urologist. Typically speaking, and this is kinda sexist, it is way easier for females to lose sex organs than males. Urologists and insurance companies try really hard to maintain male anatomy and often orchiectomy takes several years. In the meantime, pain persists. We decided to change the approach and view the need for surgery from a transition standpoint and I was required to obtain two letters from counselors/psychologists and subsequently got the orchiectomy. The pain completely resolved post-operatively and we suspect there was fibrosis developing that impinged on a nerve that caused the problem.

In terms of paperwork, I live in WA and it is relatively easy to change markers. Changing names is more challenging. For me, it may take me a while to change my name because I also work in a professional setting and I will have to change a lot of paperwork from medical license, diploma, malpractice insurance, medical boards, etc. I am not quite ready for that ordeal. I am nervous about traveling to conservative states.

 

[pauldun170]

I haven't gotten many questions regarding anatomy. I hope people would be more respectful than that. A few years ago, while on HRT, I did start developing significant testicular pain. It was progressive and incredibly debilitating. Imagine getting kicked and not having it go away. It was not unusual for my wife to find me curled in a ball on the floor in tears. It was bad enough it caused me to spit up several times. The only relief that helped was to sit in a warm bath. Tried pain medications, tried changing clothes, nothing else seemed to work.

We felt it was probably associated with the hormones and I worked to connect with a urologist. The challenge I was running into was trying to find the right urologist. Typically speaking, and this is kinda sexist, it is way easier for females to lose sex organs than males. Urologists and insurance companies try really hard to maintain male anatomy and often orchiectomy takes several years. In the meantime, pain persists. We decided to change the approach and view the need for surgery from a transition standpoint and I was required to obtain two letters from counselors/psychologists and subsequently got the orchiectomy. The pain completely resolved post-operatively and we suspect there was fibrosis developing that impinged on a nerve that caused the problem.

In terms of paperwork, I live in WA and it is relatively easy to change markers. Changing names is more challenging. For me, it may take me a while to change my name because I also work in a professional setting and I will have to change a lot of paperwork from medical license, diploma, malpractice insurance, medical boards, etc. I am not quite ready for that ordeal. I am nervous about traveling to conservative states.

I didn't react to the pain part.
I winced big time at the list of paperwork you'd have to change.

 

[nakedfrog]

How often do you have to deal with people asking about your junk?
Where do you live?
Did you get judgmental towards overweight people now that you have slimmed down (like ex smokers do against smokers).
As an adult, what have been sort of worst moments you have had to deal?

I haven't gotten direct questions about it. My partner has been asked about it twice, both times immediately after telling an older white conservative woman that I'm transgender (I was not present). First question out of their mouths, "has nakedfrog had the surgery?"
I live in western Washington state now, which is a great place to be transgender as long as you're in the larger cities (Seattle, Tacoma, Olympia).
No, I understand that it's difficult to lose weight, and not everyone has the same circumstances. I used to be a smoker too, my biggest beef with current smokers is them leaving butts lying around (I didn't do that when I was a smoker either)
The biggest pain in the ass has been dealing with health insurance, honestly.

What sort of bullshit have you had to deal with when doing basic crap like DMV forms or travelling or police officers.
How has it been dealing with "da gubmint"

The DMV in this area has been pretty good, no issues whatsoever there (you can just self-declare your gender and sign a piece of paper). Other states require a doctor's note stating you've fulfilled the necessary steps, and may have more stringent requirements. For example, in Iowa, a trans man has to get a hysterectomy before they can get an M on their license.
I have not yet updated my gender with Social Security (that's fairly low on the list, since it's just kind of in the files and doesn't really show up much), but updating my name was... not any more hassle than anything else dealing with Social Security, I think. Mailed in my documents, waited a few weeks, got my new SSN card. Used my legal name to file taxes, no issues.
It has been an ongoing struggle to get the name updated on the title for my vehicle that I'm still making payments on, since I also had to transfer it across states, that's been in the works with paperwork going back and forth for over eight months.

Do you find it frustrating that every facet of human civilization has such burning requirement to put labels on things and put things into boxes that you either need to define yourself via terms you don't necessarily like or agree with, or even invent new terms you feel more comfortable with that you then have to try to convince other people to use?

Cuz I sure fucking do.

Yeah. That's kind of why I like identifying as "queer" because it's vague enough to cover most bases.

Thanks for the responses. I wish we could go to non-gendered pronouns and end up with at least 4 different ones. I hate when I'm taking about two people of the same gender. Not sure how you'd make it clear who was one verses the other though.

Yeah, neo-pronouns have not had much success, despite first coming about in the 70s-80s. In a perfect world I'd probably be using Spivak pronouns (e/em/eir) but there are only so many fights I'm willing to partake of at once.

 

[nakedfrog]

I didn't react to the pain part.
I winced big time at the list of paperwork you'd have to change.

It varies wildly, businesses often have one set of standards in place if your name change is due to marriage, in which case it's like "okay, we'll change it", but if it's for any other reason, you've got to put in more effort. I cancelled my Best Buy credit card and closed some bank accounts, because it was easier to just move the money elsewhere than it was to change my name with them.
I was in the military, and I've updated my name with DEERS (but not yet gender), which follows a specific arcane ritual that you might expect from the military, and they will only give you the instructions over the phone--including spelling out the long-ass email address you send the documents to. Haven't done the VA yet either.

 

[JM Aggie08]

Thanks for the responses. I wish we could go to non-gendered pronouns and end up with at least 4 different ones. I hate when I'm taking about two people of the same gender. Not sure how you'd make it clear who was one verses the other though.

Sounds like you need some "ya'll" in your life.

 

[nakedfrog]

Sounds like you need some "ya'll" in your life.

I like y'all and I'm here for it!

 

[Oyeve]

I always stumble on the he/they/she/them bit. It pisses off my son (27) who is gay and when we talk about Transgender actors or entertainers I always forget and stumble. Recently we were talking about Elliot Page and I mentioned she, and he kept correcting me and I kept saying she and them he and whatnot. I am in my upper 50s so it takes getting used to. Going from he to she or she to he is way easier than them/they.

 

[repoman0]

I came out to my wife and subsequently family and the world. I have been on HRT for about 8 years. I go by she/her and am presenting at work, home and church.

Apologies if this is invasive, but the thread said to ask and I’m curious 😛 How did your wife handle this? It seems like it would be difficult for her to change her sexual preference, unless she was already interested in women as well.

 

[dullard]

Thanks for having the courage to speak up.

I don't know if the topic is too varied to answer my question, but basically I just don't understand the transgender person's situation. I understand some of the causes--for example, there scientifically are more than two genders. But to the individual, is it more physical (dislike or discomfort with the physical body)? Is it mental? Is it societal? Is it hormonal? Is it some different combination of the above for every trans individual? Does making a change (hormonal, sexual, surgical, dress, etc) actually improve things? Or, is there just so much going on that it is like unwrapping an onion, layer by layer?

Suppose someone went through a surgical gender change. Does that person suddenly feel better after the surgical pain fades? Or are there still layers of mental concerns and societal concerns left? If so, did the problem really get solved? Is it really a multi-pronged approach that is needed? And when the problem is solved, what is gained? Is it a feeling of fitting in? Is it self-esteem? Etc?

I guess I'm very action oriented, I do what is needed to get from A to B. But, I don't think I even understand the A or the B for trans people or if getting to B is really the goal. Every explanation of trans people applies to me: I never fit in with society, I strongly dislike my body (I'd gladly switch my skin with any randomly selected person), etc. But I am as cis-gendered as can be. What is the trigger between having something "off" and being trans?

 

[nakedfrog]

I always stumble on the he/they/she/them bit. It pisses off my son (27) who is gay and when we talk about Transgender actors or entertainers I always forget and stumble. Recently we were talking about Elliot Page and I mentioned she, and he kept correcting me and I kept saying she and them he and whatnot. I am in my upper 50s so it takes getting used to. Going from he to she or she to he is way easier than them/they.

Generally, as long as it's not malicious, we tend to be pretty forgiving about it (but we all have bad days when we've already had enough shit to deal with! )
I've had the same thing with a musician I follow who changed to they/them pronouns, especially when it's someone you don't really interact with, it can be easy to run into.

 

[iRONic]

I can only add my admiration to ya'll. My oldest kid, 33 came out trans to us last year. They/Their is their pronoun choice.

I won't comment much further since they aren't on this forum.m

 

[dullard]

I always stumble on the he/they/she/them bit. It pisses off my son (27) who is gay and when we talk about Transgender actors or entertainers I always forget and stumble. Recently we were talking about Elliot Page and I mentioned she, and he kept correcting me and I kept saying she and them he and whatnot. I am in my upper 50s so it takes getting used to. Going from he to she or she to he is way easier than them/they.

I try to respect what people want to be called. But, I wonder if they/them is going to be a mistake in the long run. The term "illegal alien" was originally used to make undocumented people feel more welcome (as opposed to more racial terms that Anandtech won't even let me type). But that backfired and now they are often considered "illegal humans" by many--people who don't even deserve to exist. I wonder if they/them will do something similar. It gives the impression of a person with multiple personality disorder. I'll still use they/them for people that want it. But, I do worry that it isn't the best choice.

 

[nakedfrog]

Thanks for having the courage to speak up.

I don't know if the topic is too varied to answer my question, but basically I just don't understand the transgender person's situation. I understand some of the causes--for example, there scientifically are more than two genders. But to the individual, is it more physical (dislike or discomfort with the physical body)? Is it mental? Is it societal? Is it hormonal? Is it some different combination of the above for every trans individual? Does making a change (hormonal, sexual, surgical, dress, etc) actually improve things? Or, is there just so much going on that it is like unwrapping an onion, layer by layer?

Suppose someone went through a surgical gender change. Does that person suddenly feel better after the surgical pain fades? Or are there still layers of mental concerns and societal concerns left? If so, did the problem really get solved? Is it really a multi-pronged approach that is needed? And when the problem is solved, what is gained? Is it a feeling of fitting in? Is it self-esteem? Etc?

I guess I'm very action oriented, I do what is needed to get from A to B. But, I don't think I even understand the A or the B for transgendered people or if getting to B is really the goal. Every explanation of transgendered people applies to me: I never fit in with society, I strongly dislike my body (I'd gladly switch my skin with any randomly selected person), etc. But I am as cis-gendered as can be. What is the trigger between having something "off" and being trans?

It really does vary widely depending on the individual. Some people only need to transition socially to get relief (which may or may not include FFS, facial feminization surgery), others only transition medically and don't come out socially. Some people only get HRT and don't get any surgery at all.
So as far as GCS (genital confirmation surgery, "bottom surgery", etc, many older terms have fallen out of favor), it depends. For some it's a huge and persistent source of intense distress, and a huge relief after the surgery and recovery are done. Other people can take it or leave it.
There is no A to B for trans people ("transgendered" is not the preferred nomenclature, trans or transgender are preferred). It's an individualized process, part of which is figuring out what and where B even is. The trigger is... well, how often have you thought about being a different gender than you are currently? How pervasive are those thoughts? To what extent do they impact your daily functioning in life? That kind of thing.
I'll be honest, I've been kind of shocked at just the amount of relief I've gotten from ditching my old name. I always hated, HATED being addressed by my necronym, and I just figured it was because I didn't like being addressed by name. Turns out I just didn't like THAT name because it was heavily gendered, and every time I heard it, it reinforced that interior pain. I did go by a neutral nickname in all my friend circles.
When I started HRT, it was weird, I had this weird feeling in my chest that I wasn't sure how to process, and eventually kind of sorted out that it was actually the absence of a discomfort that had been there so long I'd just gotten used to it as part of daily life. Kind of the exact opposite feeling I got when I found out my ex-wife was cheating on me, that was stabbing pain going into my chest.
I wasn't really expecting that kind of feeling of relief from it, I was taking it as a precursor to no longer having testosterone generators in my pants, and that's part of the medical process, suppressing testosterone and adding estrogen.

 

[dullard]

("transgendered" is not the preferred nomenclature, trans or transgender are preferred).

Thanks for your reply, I've edited my post.

 

[nakedfrog]

I try to respect what people want to be called. But, I wonder if they/them is going to be a mistake in the long run. The term "illegal alien" was originally used to make undocumented people feel more welcome (as opposed to more racial terms that Anandtech won't even let me type). But that backfired and now they are often considered "illegal humans" by many--people who don't even deserve to exist. I wonder if they/them will do something similar. It gives the impression of a person with multiple personality disorder. I'll still use they/them for people that want it. But, I do worry that it isn't the best choice.

A lot of us aren't super happy with "they" either, but check out how people feel about neopronouns if you think "they" draws ire. Xe/xir/xem, ze/zir/zem, that really seems to get under some people's skin. There's at least a long, long precedent for the singular "they", it's a comfortable/familiar word, and it may be easier for people to get over the "but that's for multiple people" stigma--like, what do you call someone when you don't know their pronouns? No one really gets confused by that, right?