Platypus
Lifer
- Apr 26, 2001
- 31,046
- 321
- 136
I think in there kind of lays my point. And what I would have wanted to say to some kid before he did something stupid.
They are the ones who are fucked up. You are just being you. Yeah it sucks. Most of what there is sucks. But it can be better. It probably won't, but it can. And maybe at some point you will have some happiness. Which is much better than never having any.
Kinda sappy and optimistic and bullshitty. But I think the vast majority of people deep down inside keep going on with life merely on something like that.
When you grow up thinking you are wrong and different because that's what you've always known and been taught, it penetrates your psyche in a way that I cannot explain. I know that they are fucked up now that I am older and wiser, and that it's them that need to change, but that doesn't just undo years of damage and shame automatically. For a lot of these kids, this kind of thing is called a crazy-making behavior. You begin to believe that you are wrong because you do not fit into the cookie cutter ultra macho, show no feelings archetype for the American male. It took me literally years to even be able to say outloud what I was to someone. It took a lot more years to be comfortable not splitting (leading two sep lives).
I agree there is happiness out there in some fashion, but it takes years and years of being an authentic person and leading an authentic life for that to manifest.
Consider this example. Knowing you are different growing up, maybe even admitting to yourself that you're gay, you go out of your way to become better at something in order to shift this shame into validation. For a lot of gay people it's being a really good student, or maybe being the best at a sport, because you get validation from your teachers/coaches. But that validation isn't authentic to you because you know you're being rewarded for something and trying to apply that globally to your whole self... your 'split' self is being validated, not your 'real' self. Because of this, it becomes almost impossible for you to know what is real and what isn't, and what is authentic and what is inauthentic. I for example have an extremely hard time taking praise, because I instantly assume it isn't genuine. I had become such an amazing and convincing liar (due to splitting) that I lost track of what was real and what was fake. It is only now that I am starting to become more comfortable taking a compliment from someone and truly believing them.
