Torturing Santa.... And do the riddle at the end...

GodBlessTheUSA

Senior member
Sep 15, 2001
639
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Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact
replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get
them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes
crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs
that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus
called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf
of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon
as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have
missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with
a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate
out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a
dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed.
When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say,
"Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes
and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure
to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got
a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map
with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to
get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a
distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's
in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act
like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighbourhood ain't big enough for the both of us."



I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe
he's a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organised, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think
about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the
mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco
products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on
the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa
is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the
universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a
rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the
bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they
would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear
bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims
that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably
get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse
to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...
having to be seen with all those elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be
described, even in jest, as resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless a woman is
wearing them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit
their ability to pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters
are men: Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and
looking ominous. Definite guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone
screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance!

More Xmas cheer...

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,
where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell
me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and
you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."


It seems Santas' little workers weren't cranking out enough toys for the
upcoming Christmas run so Santa had to get them some help. He called up Jack
and Jill and since they weren't doing anything they agreed to help out. They
got along good with the elves and worked really hard. It wasn't long before
they had more than enough toys made and Santa didn't need to keep both Jack
and Jill working for him so he didn't know what to do....Lay Jill or Jack
off.


Top ten santa pickup lines

10. "I'll make you shake like a bowl full of jelly."

9. "I put the 'scroo' in Scrooge."

8. "I've got something you can hang a wreath on."

7. "One hour with me honey, and you'll see flyin' reindeer!"

6. "Buy you a Zima?"

5. "That is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to see you."

4. "Uh -- yeah, that's right, I'm Kenny Rogers."

3. "I got your stocking stuffer right here, Shirley!"

2. "Giddy-up over here and say 'howdy' to your fat, bearded cowboy of love!"

1. "I've got an elf in my pants!"


Q. What did Santa say to the three blondes?
A. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Q Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
A He sold his soul to Santa

Q Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ?
A Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to
play with them.

Q What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on
Christmas Eve?
A They go into to town and blow a few bucks.

Q Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
A Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the
chimney.

Q What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
A Snowballs

Q Why do people make snow men instead of snow women?
A Because it takes too long to hollow out the head!

Q Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
A Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

Q Why do Mexicans eat Tamales at Christmas?
A So they'll have something to unwrap!


This one is a riddle. Name what Christmas Carol each one really is. Answers on Monday.....

NAME THAT CHRISTMAS CAROL

1. Bleached Yule

2. Castaneous-coloured Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far Off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchical Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals


 

Logix

Diamond Member
Jul 26, 2001
3,627
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3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth.

8. Array the Corridor

Deck the halls.

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

Silent Night.

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

Santa Claus is coming to town.

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
 

b0mbrman

Lifer
Jun 1, 2001
29,471
1
81
1. Bleached Yule
White Christmas

7. Far Off in a Feeder
Away in a Manger

9. Bantam Male Percussionist
Lil Dummer Boy

10. Monarchical Triad
We 3 Kings?

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
Stile Nacht (Heilige Nacht)

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen

13. Red Man En Route to Borough
Santa Claus is Comin' to Town

Blah...these are hard :(
 

Yo Ma Ma

Lifer
Jan 21, 2000
11,635
2
0
1. Bleached Yule - (I'm dreaming of a) White Christmas

2. Castaneous-coloured Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration - hmmm

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors - All I want for Christmas is my 2 front teeth

4. Righteous Darkness - O Holy Night

5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless - hmmm

6. Loyal Followers Advance - O Come All Ye Faithful

7. Far Off in a Feeder - Away in a Manger

8. Array the Corridor - Deck the Halls

9. Bantam Male Percussionist - Little Drummer Boy

10. Monarchical Triad - We Three Kings

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness - Silent Night

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers - hmmm

13. Red Man En Route to Borough - Santa Claus is coming to town

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence - Let it Snow

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle - Go tell it on the mountain

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis - Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant - hmmm

18. Delight for this Planet - Joy to the World

19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings - Hark the Herald Angels Sing

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals - The 12 days of Christmas
 

littlelilith

Member
Jul 15, 2000
157
0
0
1. White Christmas?

2. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

3. All I want for xmas is my two front teeth

5. It came upon a midnight clear

7. Away in a manger

8. Deck the halls

9. Little drummer boy

10. We three kings

11. Silent night

12. God rest ye merry gentlemen

13. Santa claus is coming to town

14. Let it snow

17. What child is this?

18. Joy to the world, maybe?

19. Hark the herald angels

20. 12 days of xmas

I'm not going to bother straining my brain for the rest.. it's time for me to hit the sack [sleep, that is.]
 

jpsj82

Senior member
Oct 30, 2000
958
0
0
NAME THAT CHRISTMAS CAROL

1. Bleached Yule
- White Christmas
2. Castaneous-coloured Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration -
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors -
4. Righteous Darkness -
5. Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless -
6. Loyal Followers Advance -
7. Far Off in a Feeder - Away in a Manger
8. Array the Corridor - Deck the Halls
9. Bantam Male Percussionist - Little Dummer Boy
10. Monarchical Triad - We Three Kings
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness - Silent Night
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers - God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen
13. Red Man En Route to Borough - Santa Claus is coming to town
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence - Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle -
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis -
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant -
18. Delight for this Planet - Joy to the World
19. Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings -
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals - 12 Days of Christmas
 

Soccer55

Golden Member
Jul 9, 2000
1,660
4
81
1. White Christmas

2. Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire

3. All I Want For Christmas Is My 2 Front Teeth

4. O Holy Night?

5. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

6. O Come All Ye Faithful

7. Away In a Manger

8. Deck The Halls

9. Little Drummer Boy

10. We Three Kings

11. Silent Night

12. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen?

13. Santa Claus is Coming to Town

14. Let It Snow

15. Go Tell It on the Mountain

16. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

17. What Child Is This?

18. Joy to the World

19. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

20. The 12 Days of Christmas

-Tom