Schadenfroh
Elite Member
Survival Guide For Pooping At The Office
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly something is brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the Work Poop is inevitable! For those who
hate pooping at work, the following is the
survival guide and dictionary for taking a poop at work:
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER! People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes all parties feel uncomfortable.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. Usually a
side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
of the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or a magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you monitor the whereabouts of the OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and they to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you can
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be very useful to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait
to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees!
JUNIOR
A known non-hand-washer. So called because it is a mistake only juniors and
very small children make. Do NOT be a JUNIOR under any condition. It makes
others in your office uncomfortable and is an icky habit
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly something is brewing down below. As much as we try
to convince ourselves otherwise, the Work Poop is inevitable! For those who
hate pooping at work, the following is the
survival guide and dictionary for taking a poop at work:
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in
your area and everyone gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER! People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in
the stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If
you are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not hear it. No one
likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
laughing makes all parties feel uncomfortable.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. Usually a
side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
of the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have stunk up the
bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or a magazine
under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you monitor the whereabouts of the OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will
reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and they to force the
door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until
the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you can
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a stall. This can be very useful to cover up a WATERMELON or to alert
potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction
with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If
you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in peace.
WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an
ASTAIRE.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED
makes it difficult to relax while on the toilet, as you should always wait
to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other
bathroom attendees!
JUNIOR
A known non-hand-washer. So called because it is a mistake only juniors and
very small children make. Do NOT be a JUNIOR under any condition. It makes
others in your office uncomfortable and is an icky habit
