tips to make this letter sound better...

[Semidevil]

I wrote up a letter to send to companies so perhaps they can hire me for internship or any sort of postion to give me work experience. If the OT people can kindly read it and give me suggestions, that would be great.

May 31, 2004

Company?s adress

Dear Sir/Madaam,

My name is xxx and I am a fourth year University Student at the University of xxx studying math. I am writing you this letter because I have an interest in learning from your company. Graduating in 2005 with a Bachelor of Science in math, I plan to pursue a career in actuary and would really like to start learning about it. Would your company have someone who will be able to teach me more about this field? My objective is to basically learn more about actuary, gain hands-on experience in the work field, and even help the company out a bit in anyway possible. This is for experience and learning only and I expect no payment for this.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to helping you out in any way.

Attached is a copy of my resume

Sincerley
xxx

My address
Blah blah blah

 

[minendo]

Take out "a bit"

 

[jadinolf]

If I'd received this letter I would have no idea what you want from my company.

 

[HappyPuppy]

Aren't actuaries those backslapping, joke telling life of the party types? :Q

Dude, I can only hope that you aren't the most boring person you know.

 

[Pepsi90919]

change 'really like to,' take out 'basically'

 

[axelfox]

With all of the "xxx"s it sounds like a porno letter

 

[WannaFly]

Not to sound mean, but your letter makes it sound like you know nothing about being an actuary. Thats just my opinion though.

 

[bernie48]

Considering WannaFly's reponse, perhaps your letter sounds more like wanting an "internship"....