Let me preface this by saying that I work at a golf course, and, through some really, really bad management, I ended up running the place today. A few notes that I have on golfers, and some general pieces of advice for you ATOTers who enjoy hitting the links.
1. There is no excuse for anyone to play more than a 5 hour round EVER (unless, of course, you are playing a tour event). We have a member that's missing both legs and he still comes in under 5 hours easily. He has a wheel chair built specifically for golf, so no, he doesn't use a golf cart. I don?t care who you are, if I ask you to hurry up a little, you damn well better do it. If there is a two hole gap in front of you and people stacked up behind you, either let a group or two play through or hurry the FCUK up.
2. Cart paths are there for a reason, to drive on. If you feel the need to drive into one of my nice, groomed, beautiful fairways I have no problem taking the keys from your cart and letting you walk in, really. If, god help you, you drive on a tee, or worse yet, a green, not only will I make you walk, but you will be walking to your car and you will NEVER play on my course again, ever. In fact, if you drive on my 7 million dollar golf course, I will LAUGH when I watch you walk in, and no, you wont get a refund. In short, protecting the course > you. Now, I may sound like a sadistic jackarse (which I am) but I will be nice and give you one warning. One. After that, you're walking. I don?t care if you hurt your leg, I don?t care if it?s too hot, I don?t care if your bag is heavy, I just don?t care. If you have some preexisting condition, get a handicap flag, if you hurt yourself on the course, I'll drive you up and call and ambulance.
3. There is a big HUGE sign on the first tee that says something to the effect of "ALCOHOL MAY NOT BE BROUGHT ONTO THE PREMISES." Now, this doesn't mean you can?t drink, this just means that you have to buy your beer from us. That is not our choice; it?s the law, deal with it. I will take your beer if it?s on the course, and you won?t get it back, ever. In fact, we have a fridge just for your beer, it has a sign on it that says "STAFF ONLY." But again, I'm a nice guy, I'll give you the option of putting it back in your car before you go out, but after that its mine.
4. The beverage cart girl may be cute, but she is not to be touched, pinched, cuddled, hugged, or anything else of that nature. She is not a stripper, nor a hooker, and she will not be performing any extra services no matter how well you tip her. If you do happen to touch her, you get to deal with me, and I take this matter very seriously. I will throw you off the course and you will not be coming back for any reason at any point in the future. But more importantly than that, you get to deal with her dad, who happens to be the scariest man on the face of this freaking earth (and happens to be loaded, think high eight, low nine figures). I may kick you out, he may kill you.
5. If you take your anger out on my bathrooms, water fountains, trashcans, yardage markers, or anything else that I would have to spend time and money replacing, I will throw you out. If you hurt my greens, I will sue you. I don?t care if you just missed that putt, bury your putter in my green, and I will own your ass by tomorrow.
6. I would advise against attempting to jump onto the course without paying, really, it?s a BAD idea. There will be a nice police cruiser sitting at the turn waiting for you. Hopefully that was worth it. If I'm feeling really generous, I'll just come out and tell you to get the hell off of my course. Otherwise, you're screwed.
7. If you crash, flip, crunch, scrape, or in any way break a golf cart, do NOT try to push it in the weeds. Flag me, a marshal, the bev cart girl, down, we all pack radios. Hell, we've even had people call us on their cell phones from on the course. First and foremost we're worried about you, really. We will call an ambulance for anything that isn't superficial, there is no negotiating. Then we'll make you pay for damages, which could run from $50 for a new windshield, to 5K for a new cart, and god help you if you did something to the course.
8. Under no circumstances attack the random animals on the course. To be frank, I like them more than you. We have several domestic animals that have taken up residence here, we have that noted in the pro shop. They will approach you, so if you happen to be afraid of large ducks, rabbits, cats, dogs, llamas (yes, you heard me), or the odd ferret, I'd recommend finding somewhere else to golf. They are all harmless, and haven't hurt a soul in the years (for the llamas at least) they've been here. In fact, they're so friendly, they will steal your food, and guess what? That's your problem.
9. If you happen to be having a function at the club house (which is GORGEOUS by the way), do not, for any reasons, walk on the practice greens in dress shoes/ heels. Ever. I don?t care if you're getting married. If you wanted to take pictures there, we can lay plywood down and prep the grass so you don?t kill it, but we need a little bit of advanced notice. If you are holding up play, I will make you stay in the club house, period.
10. The cute girls in the pro shop will NOT give you their numbers. Ever. Never. Not going to happen. I will fire them if they do. Seriously. And you, you 50 year old balding perv, are not going to "have relations with" (yes, that's actually what he said to me) any of the cute girls in the pro shop since you are 1. MARRIED 2. BROKE and 3. A 50 YEAR OLD BALDING PERVERT.
11. I will not give you free golf, ever. I don?t care if we went to school together, I don?t care if I dated your sister (unless she was hot and still is, and is really really easy), and I'm pretty sure you aren't my cousin. There are a few notable exceptions to this rule, like my high school golf coach, or my best friend?s dad. If you happen to be a congressman, I will not even think about comping your round. You're already rich, so you can shell out full price for a round of golf if you want to play. And no, I will not let you see the owner if you don?t like it. Trust me, you'd rather deal with me.
12. If it happens to rain and you drive in, I will not refund your money. If you drive in for any reason besides you're dieing, I will not give you a rain check.
Cliffs:
1. I hate slow people
2. I hate stupid people
3. I hate people in general
4. Don?t touch the hot beverage cart girl, period
5. Don?t hurt my golf course, especially if I'm watching. And I'm always watching *cue creepy music*
6. I hate people who don?t pay
7. I hate people who push broken golf carts under bridges
8. Furry critters > you. Hurt them and I will kick you out
9. I just don?t care.
Well, for a first rant, I'd say that was mildly successful. Please excuse any errors in spelling and/ or grammar, I'm tired, and angry as it so happens. Moral of the story here, folks, is, when golfing, be nice to the course, keep a reasonable pace of play, and dont, for any reason other than life saving and/ or heroic measures, touch the beverage cart girl.
1. There is no excuse for anyone to play more than a 5 hour round EVER (unless, of course, you are playing a tour event). We have a member that's missing both legs and he still comes in under 5 hours easily. He has a wheel chair built specifically for golf, so no, he doesn't use a golf cart. I don?t care who you are, if I ask you to hurry up a little, you damn well better do it. If there is a two hole gap in front of you and people stacked up behind you, either let a group or two play through or hurry the FCUK up.
2. Cart paths are there for a reason, to drive on. If you feel the need to drive into one of my nice, groomed, beautiful fairways I have no problem taking the keys from your cart and letting you walk in, really. If, god help you, you drive on a tee, or worse yet, a green, not only will I make you walk, but you will be walking to your car and you will NEVER play on my course again, ever. In fact, if you drive on my 7 million dollar golf course, I will LAUGH when I watch you walk in, and no, you wont get a refund. In short, protecting the course > you. Now, I may sound like a sadistic jackarse (which I am) but I will be nice and give you one warning. One. After that, you're walking. I don?t care if you hurt your leg, I don?t care if it?s too hot, I don?t care if your bag is heavy, I just don?t care. If you have some preexisting condition, get a handicap flag, if you hurt yourself on the course, I'll drive you up and call and ambulance.
3. There is a big HUGE sign on the first tee that says something to the effect of "ALCOHOL MAY NOT BE BROUGHT ONTO THE PREMISES." Now, this doesn't mean you can?t drink, this just means that you have to buy your beer from us. That is not our choice; it?s the law, deal with it. I will take your beer if it?s on the course, and you won?t get it back, ever. In fact, we have a fridge just for your beer, it has a sign on it that says "STAFF ONLY." But again, I'm a nice guy, I'll give you the option of putting it back in your car before you go out, but after that its mine.
4. The beverage cart girl may be cute, but she is not to be touched, pinched, cuddled, hugged, or anything else of that nature. She is not a stripper, nor a hooker, and she will not be performing any extra services no matter how well you tip her. If you do happen to touch her, you get to deal with me, and I take this matter very seriously. I will throw you off the course and you will not be coming back for any reason at any point in the future. But more importantly than that, you get to deal with her dad, who happens to be the scariest man on the face of this freaking earth (and happens to be loaded, think high eight, low nine figures). I may kick you out, he may kill you.
5. If you take your anger out on my bathrooms, water fountains, trashcans, yardage markers, or anything else that I would have to spend time and money replacing, I will throw you out. If you hurt my greens, I will sue you. I don?t care if you just missed that putt, bury your putter in my green, and I will own your ass by tomorrow.
6. I would advise against attempting to jump onto the course without paying, really, it?s a BAD idea. There will be a nice police cruiser sitting at the turn waiting for you. Hopefully that was worth it. If I'm feeling really generous, I'll just come out and tell you to get the hell off of my course. Otherwise, you're screwed.
7. If you crash, flip, crunch, scrape, or in any way break a golf cart, do NOT try to push it in the weeds. Flag me, a marshal, the bev cart girl, down, we all pack radios. Hell, we've even had people call us on their cell phones from on the course. First and foremost we're worried about you, really. We will call an ambulance for anything that isn't superficial, there is no negotiating. Then we'll make you pay for damages, which could run from $50 for a new windshield, to 5K for a new cart, and god help you if you did something to the course.
8. Under no circumstances attack the random animals on the course. To be frank, I like them more than you. We have several domestic animals that have taken up residence here, we have that noted in the pro shop. They will approach you, so if you happen to be afraid of large ducks, rabbits, cats, dogs, llamas (yes, you heard me), or the odd ferret, I'd recommend finding somewhere else to golf. They are all harmless, and haven't hurt a soul in the years (for the llamas at least) they've been here. In fact, they're so friendly, they will steal your food, and guess what? That's your problem.
9. If you happen to be having a function at the club house (which is GORGEOUS by the way), do not, for any reasons, walk on the practice greens in dress shoes/ heels. Ever. I don?t care if you're getting married. If you wanted to take pictures there, we can lay plywood down and prep the grass so you don?t kill it, but we need a little bit of advanced notice. If you are holding up play, I will make you stay in the club house, period.
10. The cute girls in the pro shop will NOT give you their numbers. Ever. Never. Not going to happen. I will fire them if they do. Seriously. And you, you 50 year old balding perv, are not going to "have relations with" (yes, that's actually what he said to me) any of the cute girls in the pro shop since you are 1. MARRIED 2. BROKE and 3. A 50 YEAR OLD BALDING PERVERT.
11. I will not give you free golf, ever. I don?t care if we went to school together, I don?t care if I dated your sister (unless she was hot and still is, and is really really easy), and I'm pretty sure you aren't my cousin. There are a few notable exceptions to this rule, like my high school golf coach, or my best friend?s dad. If you happen to be a congressman, I will not even think about comping your round. You're already rich, so you can shell out full price for a round of golf if you want to play. And no, I will not let you see the owner if you don?t like it. Trust me, you'd rather deal with me.
12. If it happens to rain and you drive in, I will not refund your money. If you drive in for any reason besides you're dieing, I will not give you a rain check.
Cliffs:
1. I hate slow people
2. I hate stupid people
3. I hate people in general
4. Don?t touch the hot beverage cart girl, period
5. Don?t hurt my golf course, especially if I'm watching. And I'm always watching *cue creepy music*
6. I hate people who don?t pay
7. I hate people who push broken golf carts under bridges
8. Furry critters > you. Hurt them and I will kick you out
9. I just don?t care.
Well, for a first rant, I'd say that was mildly successful. Please excuse any errors in spelling and/ or grammar, I'm tired, and angry as it so happens. Moral of the story here, folks, is, when golfing, be nice to the course, keep a reasonable pace of play, and dont, for any reason other than life saving and/ or heroic measures, touch the beverage cart girl.
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