by Dave Barry
Tribune Media Services
JANUARY
...which begins on a hopeful note in Europe, as the nations of the European Union replace their individual currencies with the new 'euro', which is expected to boost the European economy by tricking clueless American tourists into leaving unintentionally gigantic tips.
But the economic news is not so good in the United States, where President George W Bush and the Congress discover that the federal budget surplus, which only moments earlier had been trillions of dollars, is now...missing! Everbody looks high and low for it, but the darned thing is just GONE! Iraq is suspected.
But the big domestic issue is Homeland Insecurity, which is most noticeable at airports, where the Department of Transportation, having determined that every single Sept. 11 hijacker was a young male from a Middle Eastern country, has implemented a shrewd policy of hassling randomly selected elderly women.
Dave Thomas flips his last burger. In sports, Mike Tyson, appearing before the Nevada Athletic Commission to plead for a boxing license, expresses deep remorse for his past misbehavior and informs the commissioners that if they turn him dow, he will have no option but to eat their children. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by placing the nation on a Code Fuchsia Alert ("Relatively High").
Speaking of effective tactics, the month of...
FEBRUARY
...opens with a World Economic Forum meeting in New York City, where angry protesters, determined to rid the world of hunger, poverty, disease, and pollution, attack the obvious root cause of all these problems: The Gap.
In the ar on Terrorism, security personnel at Chicago's O'Hare airport wrestle would-be passenger Merline A Grelpner, 91, to the ground after an alert screener notices she is carrying an object that is later confirmed by the FBI, using spectrographic analysis, to be a pretzel. The Department of Homeland Insecurity places the nation on a Code Magenta Alert ("A Tad Higher Than Relatively High, But Not Totally High.")
In sports, the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl,thus using up all the sports luck New England has been accumulating for decades, and thereby guaranteeing the Red Sox will not win the World Series for another 150 years.
But the big sporting event is the Winter Olympics, which bring thousands of athletes and spectators from around the world to Salt Lake City to celebrate the official Olympic theme: "A Salute To Metal Detectors." The big scandal occurs in pair figure skating, where the Canadian team clearly outskates the competition, only to see the gold medal awarded, in a judging decision that creates an international uproar, to...Iraq.
And speaking of international tension, in...
MARCH
...the situation worsens in the Middle East as Israeli tanks, following a series of Palestinian attacks, surround Yasser Arafat's headquarters, cutting off the electricity, telephone service, water, and pizza delivery. This is roughly the 25th time the Israelis have had Arafat surrounded, but the crafty leader persuades them to let him go by promising to take a shower, a pledge he immediately violates.
In business news, investigators probing the Enron scandal finally track down the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen, which had sought to evade prosecution by changing it's name to "Arthur Smith" and disguising its coporate headquarters with a gigantic red wig and sunglasses. Troops are sent to capture the firm, only to discover that the top auditors have escaped to...Iraq. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by ratcheting the nation up to a Code Ochre Alert Status ("Deeply Concerned").
In the Academy Awards, the Oscar for best picture goes to "A Beautiful Mind", the uplifting story of legendary mathematical genius John Nash, who received a Nobel Prize decades after his descent into insanity, caused by attempting to do his own income taxes.
On a sadder note, two beloved public figures pass away: Milton "Mister Television" Berle, who was 93, and Britain's Queen Mother Elizabeth, who was 247. They are laid to rest in identical dresses.
But there is little rest to be had in...
APRIL
...when Secretary of State Colin Powell travels to the Middle East to (a)restore peace to the troubled region, and (b)receive a plaque from the Association of Troubled Middle East Travel Agencies honoring him for making the 5,000th official U.S. peacekeeping trip. At the awards ceremony, Powell jokes: "We expect to get this thing resolved any day now," which gets a big laugh, puncuated by mortar fire.
On the domestic terrorism front, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service, tightening up its procedures, quietly reverses its decision to grant a student visa to Osama bin Laden. This decisive action enables the Department of Homeland Insecurity to ratchet the nation's Color Code Security Status all the way down to Mauve "Calm, But Tense").
Things are not so peaceful, however, in professional baseball, where a dispute between players and owners threatens to ruin the season, and with it the social lives of fantasy-baseball dweebs. At issue is what the players and owners can do to restore the goodwill and trust of pro baseball's increasingly alienated fans.
Ha,ha! No, really, the issue is how each side can snag the most possible money before the game goes completely into the toilet. The talks open on a tense note, as the owners' charges of steroid abuse are met with vehement denials by player's union-representatives, who quickly reduce a large oak conference table to kindling.
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes hip-hops off the big stage.
And speaking of the entertainment industry, in...
MAY
...the big news is the release of the fifth installment in the Star Wars series, "Star Wars II",which continues to express creator/director George Lucas' artistic vision, summed up by the statement: "I don't understand Roman numerals."
The movie seems to be an effort by Lucas to connect with younger audiences, as evidenced by the exciting action scene in which Anakin Skywalker battles the evil Count Dooku in a deadly high-stakes game of quidditch.
In other film news, al-Qaida, apparently seeking to disprove reports that its leader is dead, releases its latest video, "The Osama bin Laden Fugitive Workout." The Department of Homeland Insecurity decides to ratchet the nation's Color Code Security Status up a notch to Key Lime ("Partly Cloudy").
In sports action, the World Cup gets under way with defending champion France playing Senegal - a lowly underdog and former French colony - in an exciting match that ends in a stunning upset win by...Iraq.
Sam Snead finally reaches the 19th hole.
And speaking of icons, in...
JUNE
...Britain's Queen Elizabeth II celebrates the 50th year of her reign at a star-studded gala concert featuring performances by Paul McCartney, Eric Clapton and Ozzy Osbourne, who, in the dramatic highlight of the evening, bites the head off one of the Queen's Welsh corgis.
But the mood is not so jubilant in the Middle East, where, following a series of Palestinian attacks, Israeli tanks again surround the headquarters of Yasser Arafat and slowly press against it until it is the size of a twin bed. The crafty Arafat escapes again by claiming he has a dental appointment.
In anither alarming story, wildfires rage out of control in Colorado and several other Western states, burning thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes. Investigators searching an area where one of the largest blazes originated find a Zippo lighter bearing a thumbprint belonging to...Iraq.
The nation's Color Code Security Status is quickly raised to Maroon ("Dark Brownish Red").
On Wall Street, the bad news continues. First, WorldCom announces it has improperly accounted for $3.9 billion and has "at least six" movies seriously overdo for return to Blockbuster. Next, Martha Stewart is linked to a string of bank robberies.
And speaking of legal trouble, in...
continued next post
Tribune Media Services
JANUARY
...which begins on a hopeful note in Europe, as the nations of the European Union replace their individual currencies with the new 'euro', which is expected to boost the European economy by tricking clueless American tourists into leaving unintentionally gigantic tips.
But the economic news is not so good in the United States, where President George W Bush and the Congress discover that the federal budget surplus, which only moments earlier had been trillions of dollars, is now...missing! Everbody looks high and low for it, but the darned thing is just GONE! Iraq is suspected.
But the big domestic issue is Homeland Insecurity, which is most noticeable at airports, where the Department of Transportation, having determined that every single Sept. 11 hijacker was a young male from a Middle Eastern country, has implemented a shrewd policy of hassling randomly selected elderly women.
Dave Thomas flips his last burger. In sports, Mike Tyson, appearing before the Nevada Athletic Commission to plead for a boxing license, expresses deep remorse for his past misbehavior and informs the commissioners that if they turn him dow, he will have no option but to eat their children. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by placing the nation on a Code Fuchsia Alert ("Relatively High").
Speaking of effective tactics, the month of...
FEBRUARY
...opens with a World Economic Forum meeting in New York City, where angry protesters, determined to rid the world of hunger, poverty, disease, and pollution, attack the obvious root cause of all these problems: The Gap.
In the ar on Terrorism, security personnel at Chicago's O'Hare airport wrestle would-be passenger Merline A Grelpner, 91, to the ground after an alert screener notices she is carrying an object that is later confirmed by the FBI, using spectrographic analysis, to be a pretzel. The Department of Homeland Insecurity places the nation on a Code Magenta Alert ("A Tad Higher Than Relatively High, But Not Totally High.")
In sports, the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl,thus using up all the sports luck New England has been accumulating for decades, and thereby guaranteeing the Red Sox will not win the World Series for another 150 years.
But the big sporting event is the Winter Olympics, which bring thousands of athletes and spectators from around the world to Salt Lake City to celebrate the official Olympic theme: "A Salute To Metal Detectors." The big scandal occurs in pair figure skating, where the Canadian team clearly outskates the competition, only to see the gold medal awarded, in a judging decision that creates an international uproar, to...Iraq.
And speaking of international tension, in...
MARCH
...the situation worsens in the Middle East as Israeli tanks, following a series of Palestinian attacks, surround Yasser Arafat's headquarters, cutting off the electricity, telephone service, water, and pizza delivery. This is roughly the 25th time the Israelis have had Arafat surrounded, but the crafty leader persuades them to let him go by promising to take a shower, a pledge he immediately violates.
In business news, investigators probing the Enron scandal finally track down the accounting firm of Arthur Andersen, which had sought to evade prosecution by changing it's name to "Arthur Smith" and disguising its coporate headquarters with a gigantic red wig and sunglasses. Troops are sent to capture the firm, only to discover that the top auditors have escaped to...Iraq. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by ratcheting the nation up to a Code Ochre Alert Status ("Deeply Concerned").
In the Academy Awards, the Oscar for best picture goes to "A Beautiful Mind", the uplifting story of legendary mathematical genius John Nash, who received a Nobel Prize decades after his descent into insanity, caused by attempting to do his own income taxes.
On a sadder note, two beloved public figures pass away: Milton "Mister Television" Berle, who was 93, and Britain's Queen Mother Elizabeth, who was 247. They are laid to rest in identical dresses.
But there is little rest to be had in...
APRIL
...when Secretary of State Colin Powell travels to the Middle East to (a)restore peace to the troubled region, and (b)receive a plaque from the Association of Troubled Middle East Travel Agencies honoring him for making the 5,000th official U.S. peacekeeping trip. At the awards ceremony, Powell jokes: "We expect to get this thing resolved any day now," which gets a big laugh, puncuated by mortar fire.
On the domestic terrorism front, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service, tightening up its procedures, quietly reverses its decision to grant a student visa to Osama bin Laden. This decisive action enables the Department of Homeland Insecurity to ratchet the nation's Color Code Security Status all the way down to Mauve "Calm, But Tense").
Things are not so peaceful, however, in professional baseball, where a dispute between players and owners threatens to ruin the season, and with it the social lives of fantasy-baseball dweebs. At issue is what the players and owners can do to restore the goodwill and trust of pro baseball's increasingly alienated fans.
Ha,ha! No, really, the issue is how each side can snag the most possible money before the game goes completely into the toilet. The talks open on a tense note, as the owners' charges of steroid abuse are met with vehement denials by player's union-representatives, who quickly reduce a large oak conference table to kindling.
Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes hip-hops off the big stage.
And speaking of the entertainment industry, in...
MAY
...the big news is the release of the fifth installment in the Star Wars series, "Star Wars II",which continues to express creator/director George Lucas' artistic vision, summed up by the statement: "I don't understand Roman numerals."
The movie seems to be an effort by Lucas to connect with younger audiences, as evidenced by the exciting action scene in which Anakin Skywalker battles the evil Count Dooku in a deadly high-stakes game of quidditch.
In other film news, al-Qaida, apparently seeking to disprove reports that its leader is dead, releases its latest video, "The Osama bin Laden Fugitive Workout." The Department of Homeland Insecurity decides to ratchet the nation's Color Code Security Status up a notch to Key Lime ("Partly Cloudy").
In sports action, the World Cup gets under way with defending champion France playing Senegal - a lowly underdog and former French colony - in an exciting match that ends in a stunning upset win by...Iraq.
Sam Snead finally reaches the 19th hole.
And speaking of icons, in...
JUNE
...Britain's Queen Elizabeth II celebrates the 50th year of her reign at a star-studded gala concert featuring performances by Paul McCartney, Eric Clapton and Ozzy Osbourne, who, in the dramatic highlight of the evening, bites the head off one of the Queen's Welsh corgis.
But the mood is not so jubilant in the Middle East, where, following a series of Palestinian attacks, Israeli tanks again surround the headquarters of Yasser Arafat and slowly press against it until it is the size of a twin bed. The crafty Arafat escapes again by claiming he has a dental appointment.
In anither alarming story, wildfires rage out of control in Colorado and several other Western states, burning thousands of acres and destroying dozens of homes. Investigators searching an area where one of the largest blazes originated find a Zippo lighter bearing a thumbprint belonging to...Iraq.
The nation's Color Code Security Status is quickly raised to Maroon ("Dark Brownish Red").
On Wall Street, the bad news continues. First, WorldCom announces it has improperly accounted for $3.9 billion and has "at least six" movies seriously overdo for return to Blockbuster. Next, Martha Stewart is linked to a string of bank robberies.
And speaking of legal trouble, in...
continued next post
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