- Apr 14, 2001
- 57,412
- 19,796
- 146
Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a
year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
a piece. I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I
live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
================================
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me,
sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.
=================================
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just
wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me
the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have
no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
==============================
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote
on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always
like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote and they're voting "I don't know!?!?!?" Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the phone. Says Into Phone "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".
===============================
Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
'Heck'?
=================================
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of
your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes
you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
=========================
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for
the day is: "Share the love." Beep." " Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop
sharing the love."
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a
year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks
a piece. I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I
live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's
hooked up to the generator.
================================
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softeners:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me,
sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away.
Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We
can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that
April fresh scent out of your clothes.
=================================
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just
wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me
the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have
no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
==============================
Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote
on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always
like 18% that say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote and they're voting "I don't know!?!?!?" Honey, I feel very strongly
about this. Give me the phone. Says Into Phone "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you
believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex
girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood".
===============================
Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For
Cripe's sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the
church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
'Heck'?
=================================
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of
your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes
you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
=========================
Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive
messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day
and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for
the day is: "Share the love." Beep." " Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop
sharing the love."
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