The usual Friday joke thread.

[TripleJ]

I'm pretty happy. Tomorrow I'll get to build a computer. Yeah, I know some of you build heaps, but for me they are few and far between so I can't wait to fiddle with latest in technology. So I'd like to spread a little bit of joy to you. And if you got any suggestions for it check my sig(2nd link). Thanks.


So anyway, without further ado, here's a joke which I'm sure some of you have heard before but anyway:

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. He proclaimed, "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter."

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother- in-law."



Keep 'em coming!

 

[TripleJ]

Here's anuver:

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."
After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

 

[Static911]

LOL!

static911

 

[GoodToGo]

These are a few quotes I have. You may have seen some b4, but some are really funny!

The team has come along slow but fast.
-- Casey Stengel, baseball player, Mets manager


The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is
a guy like Norman Einstein.
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst


Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind.
-- General William Westmoreland


Well, that was a cliff-dweller.
-- Wes Westrum, baseball coach, about a close game


This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a
Cubs fan being
shot in a long time.
-- Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
- Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so
many lawyers?
- Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I
could. It's
like having a little pet for your face. - Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without
arguing, a bank
robbery has just taken place. - Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find
a rock.
-Will Rogers

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. - George Gobel

Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.
-- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel


Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of
leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.
-- Traffic Report


Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it.
-- Mike Smith, Baseball pitcher, ordering a salad at a
restaurant


These people haven't seen the last of my face. If I go down,
I'm going down
standing up.
-- Chuck Person, NBA Basketball player



The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the
environment. This
is a good planet.
-- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a
million

 

[TripleJ]

Heehee.

And anuver:

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was
stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"