The trouble with quotes on the internet

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
is that it's difficult to discern whether or not they are genuine. - Abraham Lincoln

--
An old guy, not in the best of shape, was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing. He asked the trainer that was nearby "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby..."

--
Thor, The God Of Thunder, woke one morning and opened a bleary eye after a three day orgy of bacchanalian debauchery. He noticed a beautiful slave girl standing at the door of his room. Squinting at her painfully he said "I'm Thor." "YOU'RE thore...?" she says "I'm tho thore I can hardly pith!!!"

--
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

--
I was sexy dancing in front of a bird I was trying to pull in a club, I could see she was giving me the eye as I bust out some of my best moves. Eventually she came over, she whispered "Thanks to you my knickers are dripping wet. "I said "Oh really..." As I threw in a few more moves. She said "Yeah, me and my mates have just been pissing ourselves watching you dance!"

--
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
 

Blackjack200

Lifer
May 28, 2007
15,995
1,688
126
A man walks into a bar and is amazed to find a tiny man playing a tiny piano, right on the counter. He looks up at the bartender and says "wow, that's amazing!" the bartender just rolls his eyes and goes back to washing glasses. Undiscouraged, the man asks "where did you find him"? The bartender responds "I wished for him" and hands the man an old oil lamp. The man rubs it and sure enough a geanie pops out and grants him a wish. "Oh wow!" the man exclaimes, "I wish for a million bucks!" The geanie smiles, claps his hands, and disappears. The man isn't sure what to think, but when he goes home, he finds his house packed to the gills with ducks. He runs back to the bar and says to the bartender "I wished for a million bucks and the geanie gave me a million ducks!" the bartender nods and says "Do you really think I wanted a twelve inch pianst?"
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top".

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or quotation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH' underlined". "What does the 'AH' stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, sir." "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?" "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do."

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
A Florida Man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then, the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then, he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up... "I'll try it. Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?" Ole demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any!"

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me". Patrick reaches into his pocket and says "For the sake of decency, here's a 20 - go buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where de hell are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any". The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love "o decency, here's a comb... tidy yerself up a bit!"
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
Employee: "Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?" Boss: "Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?" Employee: "Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years". Boss: "Yes". Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first".

Boss: "A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time".
Employee: "I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade".

Boss: "Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?" Employee: "Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!"

Boss: "Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?" Employee: "Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!"
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step and God was about to tell her she had passed the test and was free to enter Heaven, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke".
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
There was this guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her 'ladies' in for bridge etc.

This one night she didn't want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don't come in and make another scene.

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. "You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed" she told him. "Oh, relax" says he "I'll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I'll be gone". "Just keep your mouth shut," says she again.

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone.

She 'flipped' and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said, "Wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story". "I came in here, sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it?"
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment". "Damn and blast!" said the blonde "I have been invited to a fancy costume party for the first time in my life, and I have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence the need for the parrot explained the blonde.

"Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed". "Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after". "Why not?" asked the owner. "Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
 

shortylickens

No Lifer
Jul 15, 2003
80,287
17,080
136
We had an annoying girl in my last English class. Jolene, I think. She used to say I was the teachers pet cuz I did well in class. I wanted to fuck and slap her at the same time. She was hot and stupid. And thats what you do with hot stupid chicks.
Anyway, once we did a group project together, she wrote down her name on the worksheet.
Jolene Grynewski.
I looked her and said: "Wow, your blonde AND Polish?"
She said "yeah, so?"
I was like no nothing nevermind.

5 minutes later she came back and said "hey! I just got that!"
 

dank69

Lifer
Oct 6, 2009
36,738
31,706
136
We had an annoying girl in my last English class. Jolene, I think. She used to say I was the teachers pet cuz I did well in class. I wanted to fuck and slap her at the same time. She was hot and stupid. And thats what you do with hot stupid chicks.
Anyway, once we did a group project together, she wrote down her name on the worksheet.
Jolene Grynewski.
I looked her and said: "Wow, your blonde AND Polish?"
She said "yeah, so?"
I was like no nothing nevermind.
That was about 15 years ago.

She just called me last night and said "hey! I just got that!"
ftfy
 

Skitzer

Diamond Member
Mar 20, 2000
4,414
3
81
  1. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
    'Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
  2. Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
  3. Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they think men care.
  4. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long.
  5. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
    Phone her.
  6. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
  7. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
    They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
  8. What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman
  9. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
    After 10 years the job still sucks.
  10. What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.
 

SandEagle

Lifer
Aug 4, 2007
16,809
13
0
  1. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
    'Cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
  2. Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
  3. Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they think men care.
  4. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
    Made her chain too long.
  5. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
    Phone her.
  6. How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
  7. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
    They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
  8. What are the three fastest means of communication?
    1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tell a woman
  9. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
    After 10 years the job still sucks.
  10. What should you give a woman who has everything?
    A man to show her how to work it.


thread saved. barely.