The Top 40 Election Dan Ratherisms
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
40> "This thing is tighter than Joan River's face, and damn near
as frightening."
39> "We're pumped here in the newsroom, like the sleep-deprived
junkie who gave me these pills at the walk-in clinic."
38> "If I had a nickel for every one of those 19,000 rejected
ballots, I'd be sitting at about 950 bucks right now."
37> "It's tighter than a prairie dog's butt in a dust bowl!"
36> "As the fight for the White House drags onto into the 11th
round, Gore must feel like a desperate boxer and I'll bet
Bush's ear is looking mighty tasty right now."
35> "Voters are pulling on their ballot levers like rats trying
to get a pellet in a Skinner box!"
34> "Well, hold me down and stomp me like a hamster in a crush
video, this has been one long night."
33> "This race is tighter than a face lift on a 50 year
auditioning for 'Dawson's Creek'."
32> "If Florida is 'the big tamale', then Texas must be
'M-m-m-my Chalupa!'"
31> "Tonight we've seen more ups and downs than a Viagra
conference."
30> "It's all about chads. Chads, chads, chads.
Chad, chad, bo-bad, banana-fana, fo-fad. Chad."
29> "This race is about as hard to call as a deaf hog up a
sassafras tree."
28> "You put Florida in; you put Florida out.
You put Florida in; then you shake it all about."
27> "It's a steelcage deathmatch between the bubbas and the
bubbes, and I'm not bettin' bupkes on the outcome."
26> "Politics makes strange bedfellows and this election is so
close, Bush and Gore may have to move bunkbeds into the
Lincoln bedroom."
25> "This race is tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during
Gay Pride week."
24> "We take it on faith that kissing your sister gets either
old or illegal after the second week."
23> "George W. Bush is like a whorehouse pianist -- he can see
the prize, but he can't touch it."
22> "This election is bouncing around like Dolly Parton jumping
rope on speed."
21> "Bush thought of his brother as a giant electoral PEZ
dispenser, but when he snapped his head back on November
7, what he pulled out of Governor Jeb's neck was not the
sweet cherry-red 'Bush' candy he'd been counting on but
the bitter lemon-yellow candy known as 'Undecided', and
he's surely finding it hard to swallow."
20> "Controversy is bubblin' like a gut full o' bad gumbo."
19> "This race is tighter than Ted Kennedy at a single-malt
chugoff, and somebody just opened up the Glenlivet."
18> "Those Florida results are gyrating like my tongue in
Diane Sawyer's ear last night."
17> "The recount room is locked up tighter than an Iowa
trailer park in tornado season."
16> "I may not know the frequency, Kenneth, but I can count
to 270, and we ain't there yet."
15> "This one's tighter than Rush Limbaugh's bike shorts."
14> "This one's a crotch-grabber, folks, and I'll bet a handful
of nuts it won't be over any time soon."
13> "Tell Grandma to take her teeth out of the glass, this'll
be a nail biter."
12> "This race is stickier than a pine cone enema on a hot night
in the bayou."
11> "The vote count in Florida is stopped up worse than
'Yours Truly' after a bit too much queso."
10> "This one is working out to be a hum-dinger, only the fat
lady ate all the hums and is now eyeing the dingers."
9> "The margin of victory in New Mexico is tighter than
Britney Spears's tube top, and just as likely to piss off
Republicans."
8> "...and where the hell are my pants?!"
7> "This recount is like a too long movie with too sticky floors
in a too crowded Times Square with too few cabs and too many
hookers."
6> "The Florida voter may be getting screwed harder than a
drunken Paula Zahn at CBS's Christmas party."
5> "Elections are like a box of chocolates, and in Florida,
this one seems to be running away from Forrest Gore."
4> "Just remember: if your grandma had wheels, you could use
her for luggage."
3> "If Gore loses Florida, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up
'Dueling Banjos' because Al will be squealing like a pig."
2> "The American people wanted just a quickie, but it looks like
they're going to be paying for the full night. With kink."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Election Dan Ratherism...
1> "Don't shake the pee pee yet, this contest is still flowing!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]
40> "This thing is tighter than Joan River's face, and damn near
as frightening."
39> "We're pumped here in the newsroom, like the sleep-deprived
junkie who gave me these pills at the walk-in clinic."
38> "If I had a nickel for every one of those 19,000 rejected
ballots, I'd be sitting at about 950 bucks right now."
37> "It's tighter than a prairie dog's butt in a dust bowl!"
36> "As the fight for the White House drags onto into the 11th
round, Gore must feel like a desperate boxer and I'll bet
Bush's ear is looking mighty tasty right now."
35> "Voters are pulling on their ballot levers like rats trying
to get a pellet in a Skinner box!"
34> "Well, hold me down and stomp me like a hamster in a crush
video, this has been one long night."
33> "This race is tighter than a face lift on a 50 year
auditioning for 'Dawson's Creek'."
32> "If Florida is 'the big tamale', then Texas must be
'M-m-m-my Chalupa!'"
31> "Tonight we've seen more ups and downs than a Viagra
conference."
30> "It's all about chads. Chads, chads, chads.
Chad, chad, bo-bad, banana-fana, fo-fad. Chad."
29> "This race is about as hard to call as a deaf hog up a
sassafras tree."
28> "You put Florida in; you put Florida out.
You put Florida in; then you shake it all about."
27> "It's a steelcage deathmatch between the bubbas and the
bubbes, and I'm not bettin' bupkes on the outcome."
26> "Politics makes strange bedfellows and this election is so
close, Bush and Gore may have to move bunkbeds into the
Lincoln bedroom."
25> "This race is tighter than Pat Buchanan's sphincter during
Gay Pride week."
24> "We take it on faith that kissing your sister gets either
old or illegal after the second week."
23> "George W. Bush is like a whorehouse pianist -- he can see
the prize, but he can't touch it."
22> "This election is bouncing around like Dolly Parton jumping
rope on speed."
21> "Bush thought of his brother as a giant electoral PEZ
dispenser, but when he snapped his head back on November
7, what he pulled out of Governor Jeb's neck was not the
sweet cherry-red 'Bush' candy he'd been counting on but
the bitter lemon-yellow candy known as 'Undecided', and
he's surely finding it hard to swallow."
20> "Controversy is bubblin' like a gut full o' bad gumbo."
19> "This race is tighter than Ted Kennedy at a single-malt
chugoff, and somebody just opened up the Glenlivet."
18> "Those Florida results are gyrating like my tongue in
Diane Sawyer's ear last night."
17> "The recount room is locked up tighter than an Iowa
trailer park in tornado season."
16> "I may not know the frequency, Kenneth, but I can count
to 270, and we ain't there yet."
15> "This one's tighter than Rush Limbaugh's bike shorts."
14> "This one's a crotch-grabber, folks, and I'll bet a handful
of nuts it won't be over any time soon."
13> "Tell Grandma to take her teeth out of the glass, this'll
be a nail biter."
12> "This race is stickier than a pine cone enema on a hot night
in the bayou."
11> "The vote count in Florida is stopped up worse than
'Yours Truly' after a bit too much queso."
10> "This one is working out to be a hum-dinger, only the fat
lady ate all the hums and is now eyeing the dingers."
9> "The margin of victory in New Mexico is tighter than
Britney Spears's tube top, and just as likely to piss off
Republicans."
8> "...and where the hell are my pants?!"
7> "This recount is like a too long movie with too sticky floors
in a too crowded Times Square with too few cabs and too many
hookers."
6> "The Florida voter may be getting screwed harder than a
drunken Paula Zahn at CBS's Christmas party."
5> "Elections are like a box of chocolates, and in Florida,
this one seems to be running away from Forrest Gore."
4> "Just remember: if your grandma had wheels, you could use
her for luggage."
3> "If Gore loses Florida, you can call Ned Beatty and fire up
'Dueling Banjos' because Al will be squealing like a pig."
2> "The American people wanted just a quickie, but it looks like
they're going to be paying for the full night. With kink."
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Election Dan Ratherism...
1> "Don't shake the pee pee yet, this contest is still flowing!"
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