Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon have a teenage daughter....
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
- Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours
that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messanger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-watertank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, & answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully.
- Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup & less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, & you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviours
that will cause you concern, anxiety, & stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviours, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messanger. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" & "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because "like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom & dad use." When they have completely drained the hot-watertank, they will step out & wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy & don't have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These 'others' are called "parents."
It's already getting rough. *sigh*
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