- Jun 23, 2005
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This is a time of year not only for giving, but also for being grateful for the gifts given to us in life from others. For this reason, I thought now would be as good a time as any to make a thread dedicated to housing all the reasons why we all appreciate me, Sonikku, so very much. I mean, rather, a thread dedicated to housing all the things that I, Sonikku, am grateful for this year. 
To give a little background story about me, I struggle from major depression and gender dysphoria, to the point of dysfunction. After considerable therapy I came out a few years ago, going so far as to post a thread about it on these very forums a few years ago for any bored enough to read it. https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/experiencing-a-lot-of-new-feelings.2388363/ I have been chronically unemployed for many years with limited prospects in the desolate and decaying landscape I have long felt trapped in.
Life has been very hard. And though this may sound already to be a pity thread, I ask that you bear with me a little while longer. After floundering for several years, under the weight of my dysphoria, depression, and seemingly fruitlessness of my every effort to take the reigns back in my life, I eventually succumbed to the apparent hopelessness of my life and resolved to end it as my last ditch effort to end my pain. (chronicled here) https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/sonikku-finally-committed-by-blizzard-no-less.2507426/
I came very close to not posting about that. It was and is a source of embarrassment and humiliation I had initially not wanted anyone to know about upon a first impulse. But for better or worse, my lack of physical contact with most in the outside world has made the anandtech community like a second family to me of sorts, so I felt compelled to bring it out in the open.
If I may be perfectly blunt, I do not believe I have historically been very grateful up to this year in my life. I have long lamented all the wrong from a very young age stemming from a "why me" mentality. I lamented being transgender when I so sorely wished to be content with the sex I was assigned with at birth. I wanted to be "normal". It would not be until I was hospitalized, where I was surrounded by dozens of people struggling with all manner of psychological trauma and mental illness that I found empathy for others in a way before I hat not. Though it is still constantly a struggle, I feel a compassion now for people I otherwise may not have had I been made "normal", blissfully ignorant of the countless different psychological issues millions are forced to come to grips with every single day. And so I began to feel grateful. And empathy.
I was not grateful to the friend I bid farewell to that contacted the authorities on me despite my own wishes. I was not grateful to the two police officers that came to my door and took me, against my will, to the emergency room. I was not grateful to the psychiatrists that came to evaluate me that all unanimously agreed to have me committed. I did not want to be there. I wanted to be home, at my apartment. Finishing my painstakingly written letter to my mother of how it would now all be alright and I at last would no longer be in agony before finally taking the seemingly liberating plunge from my tenth story window to the great beyond. But all of these people, in spite of my own desires at the time, cared about me. Most did not even know me, and still they cared enough about me to save my life in a vulnerable moment when I had taken leave of my senses. In hindsight at last I became grateful for what before I had lamented.
I was not grateful to my circumstances growing up. I had no father and my mother worked three jobs to support us. About the only time I saw her, when I craved her attention so dearly was when she came home at last to collapse on her bed to catch a few scant hours of rest before doing it all again the next day. The NES she bought me coupled with all things Nintendo were my only respite. Quality time lost with my mother was instead spent with Mario. I was always lonely. Sometimes bitter. It would not be until many years later in which I finally felt grateful. Grateful to her, for busting her ass doing three jobs she hates. And all for me. So that I could eat and so that I could have all the toys all the other kids had despite only having a fraction of the income.
I'm more grateful still that she is still around today for me to remind regularly of my gratitude.
And then there is the rest of you.
I am grateful to Crono for offering me a sorely needed processor that I foolishly declined, after I had made my most regrettable decision but before I had formulated a plan for carrying it out.
I am supremely grateful to Larry, whom, upon my being discharged from the hospital went so far as to give me one of his middle end desktops for nothing more than the cost of shipping.
I am very grateful to BurnitDwn who reached out to me offering assistance and used some of his leftover crypto currency to send me a walmart gift card to help with buying some items I needed after getting home with nothing.
I am grateful to the anonymous person who sent me a $20 Amazon gift card for Christmas.
I am insanely grateful to Ichinisan and Zinfamous who took the initiative of ordering me a Super Famicom classic all the way from Japan, documented here. https://forums.anandtech.com/thread...r-christmas-2017.2531795/page-3#post-39234181 I love it so much.
I am grateful to stormkroe, skull, BurnitDwn, Mikeymikec, slugg, radhak, nakedfrog, Puffnstuff, Exterous, YBS1, Zinfamous, even Mayne for reaching out to me in pm and giving their support when I was going through a very difficult time of my life.
I'm grateful to Perk, Esquared, Elfenix, Keith and all the other staff here silently watching in the background and dealing with all the shenanigans that go on here despite never being appreciated for it.
I'm grateful to all the people in the hospital thread that all wished me well, the number of whom was simply too long to list.
I'm grateful to everyone else that I may have missed.
I am so fortunate to have you all. Thank you all so much.
To give a little background story about me, I struggle from major depression and gender dysphoria, to the point of dysfunction. After considerable therapy I came out a few years ago, going so far as to post a thread about it on these very forums a few years ago for any bored enough to read it. https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/experiencing-a-lot-of-new-feelings.2388363/ I have been chronically unemployed for many years with limited prospects in the desolate and decaying landscape I have long felt trapped in.
Life has been very hard. And though this may sound already to be a pity thread, I ask that you bear with me a little while longer. After floundering for several years, under the weight of my dysphoria, depression, and seemingly fruitlessness of my every effort to take the reigns back in my life, I eventually succumbed to the apparent hopelessness of my life and resolved to end it as my last ditch effort to end my pain. (chronicled here) https://forums.anandtech.com/threads/sonikku-finally-committed-by-blizzard-no-less.2507426/
I came very close to not posting about that. It was and is a source of embarrassment and humiliation I had initially not wanted anyone to know about upon a first impulse. But for better or worse, my lack of physical contact with most in the outside world has made the anandtech community like a second family to me of sorts, so I felt compelled to bring it out in the open.
If I may be perfectly blunt, I do not believe I have historically been very grateful up to this year in my life. I have long lamented all the wrong from a very young age stemming from a "why me" mentality. I lamented being transgender when I so sorely wished to be content with the sex I was assigned with at birth. I wanted to be "normal". It would not be until I was hospitalized, where I was surrounded by dozens of people struggling with all manner of psychological trauma and mental illness that I found empathy for others in a way before I hat not. Though it is still constantly a struggle, I feel a compassion now for people I otherwise may not have had I been made "normal", blissfully ignorant of the countless different psychological issues millions are forced to come to grips with every single day. And so I began to feel grateful. And empathy.
I was not grateful to the friend I bid farewell to that contacted the authorities on me despite my own wishes. I was not grateful to the two police officers that came to my door and took me, against my will, to the emergency room. I was not grateful to the psychiatrists that came to evaluate me that all unanimously agreed to have me committed. I did not want to be there. I wanted to be home, at my apartment. Finishing my painstakingly written letter to my mother of how it would now all be alright and I at last would no longer be in agony before finally taking the seemingly liberating plunge from my tenth story window to the great beyond. But all of these people, in spite of my own desires at the time, cared about me. Most did not even know me, and still they cared enough about me to save my life in a vulnerable moment when I had taken leave of my senses. In hindsight at last I became grateful for what before I had lamented.
I was not grateful to my circumstances growing up. I had no father and my mother worked three jobs to support us. About the only time I saw her, when I craved her attention so dearly was when she came home at last to collapse on her bed to catch a few scant hours of rest before doing it all again the next day. The NES she bought me coupled with all things Nintendo were my only respite. Quality time lost with my mother was instead spent with Mario. I was always lonely. Sometimes bitter. It would not be until many years later in which I finally felt grateful. Grateful to her, for busting her ass doing three jobs she hates. And all for me. So that I could eat and so that I could have all the toys all the other kids had despite only having a fraction of the income.
I'm more grateful still that she is still around today for me to remind regularly of my gratitude.
And then there is the rest of you.
I am grateful to Crono for offering me a sorely needed processor that I foolishly declined, after I had made my most regrettable decision but before I had formulated a plan for carrying it out.
I am supremely grateful to Larry, whom, upon my being discharged from the hospital went so far as to give me one of his middle end desktops for nothing more than the cost of shipping.
I am very grateful to BurnitDwn who reached out to me offering assistance and used some of his leftover crypto currency to send me a walmart gift card to help with buying some items I needed after getting home with nothing.
I am grateful to the anonymous person who sent me a $20 Amazon gift card for Christmas.
I am insanely grateful to Ichinisan and Zinfamous who took the initiative of ordering me a Super Famicom classic all the way from Japan, documented here. https://forums.anandtech.com/thread...r-christmas-2017.2531795/page-3#post-39234181 I love it so much.
I am grateful to stormkroe, skull, BurnitDwn, Mikeymikec, slugg, radhak, nakedfrog, Puffnstuff, Exterous, YBS1, Zinfamous, even Mayne for reaching out to me in pm and giving their support when I was going through a very difficult time of my life.
I'm grateful to Perk, Esquared, Elfenix, Keith and all the other staff here silently watching in the background and dealing with all the shenanigans that go on here despite never being appreciated for it.
I'm grateful to all the people in the hospital thread that all wished me well, the number of whom was simply too long to list.
I'm grateful to everyone else that I may have missed.
I am so fortunate to have you all. Thank you all so much.
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