Anything too stupid to be said, is sung.
-- Voltaire
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
-- Voltaire
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
-- Mike Adams
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
-- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!
-- Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-- Woody Allen
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
-- Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
-- Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
-- Woody Allen
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
-- Woody Allen
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network.
-- Guy Almes
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
-- Jeremy S. Anderson
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!", but "That's funny..."
-- Isaac Asimov
An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness.
-- Margaret Atwood
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
-- Russell Baker
In the past decade or so, the women's magazines have taken to running home-handyperson articles suggesting that women can learn to fix things just as well as men. These articles are apparently based on the ludicrous assumption that _men_ know how to fix things, when in fact all they know how to do is _look_ at things in a certain squinty-eyed manner, which they learned in Wood Shop; eventually, when enough things in the home are broken, they take a job requiring them to transfer to another home.
-- Dave Barry
These childhood memories - I have them often, but can usually keep them under control with the use of drugs.
-- Dave Barry
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
-- Dave Barry
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
-- Dave Barry
Ninety percent of the game is half mental.
-- Yogi Berra
No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded.
-- Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot by watching.
-- Yogi Berra
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
-- Yogi Berra
Never moon a werewolf.
-- Mike Binder
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
-- Otto von Bismarck
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
-- David Bissonette
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.
-- George Bush, U.S. president, 1990
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.
-- Albert Camus
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
-- Winston Churchill
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
-- Tom Clancy
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.
-- Fr. Jerome Cummings
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison
... I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
-- Thomas Edison
Genius is 99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration.
-- Thomas Edison
A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. He sits on a hot stove for a minute, it's longer than any hour. That is relativity.
-- Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen.
-- Albert Einstein
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
-- Albert Einstein
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
-- Albert Einstein
Generations to come will find it difficult to believe that a man such as Gandhi ever walked the face of this earth.
-- Albert Einstein
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity.
-- Albert Einstein
I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.
-- Albert Einstein
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
-- Albert Einstein
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
-- Albert Einstein
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?
-- Albert Einstein
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
-- Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.
-- Albert Einstein
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
-- T. S. Eliot
The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.
-- T. S. Eliot
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.
-- Clifton Fadiman
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
-- Gandhi
I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope...and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.
-- Theodor S. Geisel, a.k.a. "Dr. Seuss"
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.
-- Alfred Hitchcock
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
-- Adolf Hitler
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
-- Herbert Hoover
Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
-- Aldous Huxley
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at.
-- Lyn Karol
Saying that Windows95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming.
-- Guy Kawasaki
Such is life.
-- Ned Kelly, Last words, before being hung at Old Melbourne Gaol
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
-- John F. Kennedy
Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe.
-- Denis Leary
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
-- Tom Lehrer
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-- Jay Leno
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
-- Abraham Lincoln
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-- Groucho Marx
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
-- Groucho Marx
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
-- Groucho Marx
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
-- Karl Marx, dying words to his housekeeper
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music.
-- Vladimir Nabokov
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.
-- Napoleon Bonaparte
I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.
-- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
I would have made a good Pope.
-- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
Solutions are not the answer.
-- Richard Nixon
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kinda like being the guy on a date.
-- Caroline Rhea
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
-- Charles Schultz
By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?
-- Socrates, dying words
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.
-- Gene Spafford
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain
Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
-- Mark Twain
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
-- Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
-- Mark Twain
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
-- Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
-- Mark Twain
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes--or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
-- Mark Twain
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
-- Mark Twain
The more I know about people, the better I like my dog.
-- Mark Twain
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
-- Mae West
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes.
-- Oscar Wilde
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
-- Oscar Wilde
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
-- Oscar Wilde
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.
-- Anonymous
An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention.
-- Anonymous
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too.
-- Anonymous
Maximus Decimus Meridius: I knew a man once who said, "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back."
"The less people understand you, the smarter they think you are." - maralyn manson
Most of the trouble in the world is caused by people wanting to be important.
-T.S. Elliot
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.
-Helen Keller
"If I could learn from all my mistakes, I'd be a genius."
"the mystery of love is greater than the mystery of death"~~K.S.
"Suicide is a permenant soulution to a temporary problem."
"We live in a realm of the unknown of self-discovery. There is no room for one to judge who is right or wrong in this lifetime. Live life as it was meant to be to the fullest. My love is sent to all. We are not vanilla we fall outside what society says is normal but we are not abnormal. We just are."
"I only like heavy metal when I play it. Kind of like smelling your own farts."
"ask not what you can do for your country, ask what your country did to you" Dogma-KMFDM
"we owe so much money we're not broke, we're broken, we're so poor we can't even pay attention" Dogma-KMFDM
"Passionate kissing is like spider webs....it often leads to undoing
of Flies"
"no genius was without a streak of madness"
-aristotle
"this will go down as one of the bloodiest centuries in the history of the human race. What revolutions do you speak of, when millions have been exterminated by one small European nation on the whim of a madman, when entire cities are melted into oblivion by bombs? When children in the desert countries of the East war on other children in the name of an ancient and despotic God? Marius, women the world over wash the fruits of their womb down public drains. The screams of the hungry are deafening, yet unheard by the rich who cavort in technological citadels; disease runs rampant among the starving of whole continents, while the sick in palatial hospitals spend the wealth of the world on cosmetic refinements and the promise of eternal life through pills and vials." -Anne Rice
"the best view of one's soul is from beyond the edge of looking back" on a No Fear poster
"totus mundus agit historionem"(all the world's a stage) -William Shakespear
"better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt" -Mark Twain
"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."
"Talking about love is like dancing about architecture..."
"He who smiles has not yet heard the terrible news"
-Your proctologist called... they found your head
it's better to die for something than live for nothing
?Dream as if you'll live forever, but live as if you'll die tomorrow?
"Who do you go to when the one who always dried your tears is the one who made you cry?"
"Life moves pretty fast, If you don?t stop and look at it once in a while you could miss it"
"Since the day we started our life, we began to die"
"People are afraid of what they don't understand, and hate what they are afraid of"
"Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying"
Some people are still alive because its illegal to kill them
Three can keep a secret if two are dead
When you start to critisize the younger generation remember who raised them
What if Heaven doesnt want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over
"a man once said, death smiles at us all, and all we can do is smile back"-Maximus from Gladiator
"if oyu don't set high expectations for yourself and others, you will never be dissapointed"-Me
It's better to love and have loved than to never have loved at all.
Learn from the mistakes of others, You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
If you live to be a hundred, I want to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you. -Winnie the Pooh
If you should die before me ask if you could bring a friend. -Stone Temple Pilots
Only a fool tests the water with both feet.
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
The optimist falls ten stories. At each window he shouts to his friends, "All right so far".
Don't steal. The government hates competition
"I dropped a tear in the ocean...when they find it...I'll stop loving you"
"This is above all- to thine own self be true"
"we know what we are, but know not what we may be"
"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."
Clint Eastwood
"Baseball is wrong. Man with 4 balls can't walk!"
"Takes many nails to make a crib....takes one screw to fill one.!
may your life be like toilet paper, long and useful
every man dies, not every man really lives
"life's a bitch and so am i, the world owes me so fsck you!"-The Grouch by
GreenDay
"Doh!" (u know who said that!)
"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."
"You only live once."
"Damned if you do , Damned if you don't."
"You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut the hell up ."
"Beaten paths are for beaten men . "
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
"I hate to see you go , but I love to watch you leave."
"the supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting"
"work as hard as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest"
"the less i have the more i gain"
i don't like manson, but this is one of the smartest things he has ever said:
"It's always existed, man's lack of wanting to think. It's easier to be told
what to do. But we're in an age
now where non-creativity and going with the flow are encouraged."
-- Marilyn Manson
"I passionatly hate the idea of being 'with it' I think an artist has always to
be out of step with his time" -Orson Wells
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat"-Lily
Tomlin
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday"-Don Marquis
"The bad thing about experience is that it teaches you the stuff you don't
want to know"-Unknown
"Sure, there's no 'I' in team, but there is an 'm' and an 'e'"-Kevin Meyers
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself a
fool"-William Shakspear
"You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in"-Arlo Guthrie
-A thing is not necessarily true because a man died for it.
-Don't try to out weird me, three eyes. I get weirder things than you in my breakfast cereal.
-Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, ... it doesn't matter.
-"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
"without evil, there can be no good, and without good, there can be no evil" -Me
"Excellent!" Mr. Burns
"you lie so much you believe yourself,
Judge not lest ye be judged youself!"
"arogance and ignorance go hand in hand"
-Holier Than Thou by Metallica
"Imagination is stronger than knowledge."--Albert Einstein
"we are each of us angels with only one wing , we can only fly while embracing eachother"
quote - "like a midget in a urinal, I had to stay on my toes"
1 Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mum?
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3 How do I set a laser printer to stun?
4 This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluoro lighting.
5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You! Off my planet!
8. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
9 I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
11 Does your train of thought have a caboose?
12 Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
13 Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
15 And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
20. I'm not depressed, I've just been in a bad mood for 30 years.
21. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
22. Allow me to introduce my selves.
23. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
24. Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
25. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
27. I started out with nothing and have most of it left.
28. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. I'm not as dumb as you look.
32. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
33. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
34. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
35. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
36. Adults are just kids who owe money.
37. One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.
39. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
40. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
41. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
42. You say I'm a bastard like it's a bad thing.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
45. Chaos, panic, and disorder ¾ my work here is done.
47. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
48. Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.
49. Earth is full. Go home.
50. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of
self-control.
51. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap...
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is
that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody Allen
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and
give it wind.
Mike Harding - The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac
Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers.
Erik Pepke
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.
Oscar Wilde
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
Anonymous
Computer : a million morons working at the speed of light.
David Ferrier
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso
Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a
month.
Wernher von Braun
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do
not refer to reality.
Albert Einstein
Before God we are equally wise, and equally foolish.
Albert Einstein
Copying extensively from one source is plagiarism; copying extensively from several is research.
Anonymous
Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Oscar Wilde
Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.
Christopher Hampton
Drama is life with the dull bits cut out.
Alfred Hitchcock
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Anonymous
Don't play dumb. You're not as good at it as I am.
Colonel Flagg - M.A.S.H
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Yogi Berra
Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
Winston Churchill
A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen
A pessimist is someone who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Anonymous
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
Anonymous
Life is too important to be taken seriously. -By Oscar Wilde
*kiss on the devil and ya piss of a saint* Aerosmith
"If I find in myself desires which nothing
in this world can satisfy,
the only logical explanation is
that I was made for another world."
-C.S. Lewis
"life's like a hot bath, it feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get" Garfield
"There's a poll saying that 40% of Americans think Hillary's smarter than I am. What I don't understand is how the other 60% missed it." --Bill Clinton
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