dave barry
OK, Marlins fans: We have to go through this one more time.
I'm talking about getting disrespected by the fans of the other team, because we're not deserving enough.
We went through it with the Giants fans, who felt their team deserved to win because they had Barry Bonds, plus they were supposed to win the World Series LAST year.
Then we went through it -- big time -- with the Cubs fans, who felt they REALLY deserved to win because (a) the Cubs have not won anything since the glaciers retreated from North America; (b) the Cubs have a better ballpark than we do, with all the history and the ivy and the blah blah blah; (c) the Cubs fans are SO knowledgeable about baseball, as opposed to us lame-o Marlins fans, a bunch of bandwagon jumpers who know so little about baseball that we would probably do something REALLY stupid, like interfere with a catchable foul ball hit by an opposing player.
Listen, Cubs fans: We feel sorry for you, really. But stop whining already. And leave that poor fan alone, unless you truly believe that, by touching the ball, he caused the Marlins to score eight runs in that game, and nine in the next. Your team lost because THE MARLINS PLAYED BETTER, OK? It's NOT because of some ''curse.'' The supernatural had nothing to do with it! Unless you count a Miami woman I know named Tina, who's from Nicaragua, and who revealed, after the Marlins beat the Cubs, that during the crucial eighth inning of Game 6 she performed a type of witchcraft called brujería. But that did not violate any National League rule.
Anyway, my point, Marlins fans, is that neither the Giants fans nor the Cubs fans respected us. And now we're going to go through it again, only this time it will be much worse, because it will be New Yorkers.
I don't mean to insult all New Yorkers. I myself grew up in the New York City area, and I know that there are many New Yorkers who are thoughtful, gracious and classy.
But there are also Yankees fans. They can best be described by an eight-letter word, beginning with the letter ''a,'' which I cannot write in a family newspaper.
Oh, what the heck, I'm going to write it anyway: The word is ''arrogant.'' Yankees fans believe their team should win the World Series every single year, because the Yankees have a Great Winning Tradition, defined as ''a really rich owner.'' That would be George Steinwhacker, who overcame the handicap of being born wealthy to become even more wealthy, and who buys all the best players from other teams. Sometimes he buys them during actual games, dropping cash on opposing players from his helicopter until they change into Yankees uniforms right on the field.
So the Yankees fans will be very confident, and the Yankees will be heavily favored.
The entire rest of the nation will be rooting against us, because the Marlins had the insensitivity to beat the beloved Cubs, instead of, I don't know, deliberately striking out in key situations.
In short, Marlins fans: Nobody wants us to win, and nobody respects us. Fox Sports has announced that it will not even be broadcasting the Marlins' halves of the innings.
''When the Marlins are batting,'' stated a Fox executive, ``we will broadcast our new sitcom Wanda At Large, which we feel will have a greater appeal to our viewers.''
OK, fine. Let the rest of the world disrespect the Marlins, and their fans.
It didn't matter when we played the Giants; it didn't matter when we played the Cubs; and it won't matter when we play the Steinwhackers. Because we don't need tradition, and we don't need history. What we have is better: a plucky, spunky team that never gives up; a feisty 106-year-old manager who doesn't give a crap what anybody thinks; and a bunch of fans who maybe jumped on the bandwagon a little late, but who plan to make up for it by partying EXTRA long when we win the World Series.
Plus, we have Tina.
OK, Marlins fans: We have to go through this one more time.
I'm talking about getting disrespected by the fans of the other team, because we're not deserving enough.
We went through it with the Giants fans, who felt their team deserved to win because they had Barry Bonds, plus they were supposed to win the World Series LAST year.
Then we went through it -- big time -- with the Cubs fans, who felt they REALLY deserved to win because (a) the Cubs have not won anything since the glaciers retreated from North America; (b) the Cubs have a better ballpark than we do, with all the history and the ivy and the blah blah blah; (c) the Cubs fans are SO knowledgeable about baseball, as opposed to us lame-o Marlins fans, a bunch of bandwagon jumpers who know so little about baseball that we would probably do something REALLY stupid, like interfere with a catchable foul ball hit by an opposing player.
Listen, Cubs fans: We feel sorry for you, really. But stop whining already. And leave that poor fan alone, unless you truly believe that, by touching the ball, he caused the Marlins to score eight runs in that game, and nine in the next. Your team lost because THE MARLINS PLAYED BETTER, OK? It's NOT because of some ''curse.'' The supernatural had nothing to do with it! Unless you count a Miami woman I know named Tina, who's from Nicaragua, and who revealed, after the Marlins beat the Cubs, that during the crucial eighth inning of Game 6 she performed a type of witchcraft called brujería. But that did not violate any National League rule.
Anyway, my point, Marlins fans, is that neither the Giants fans nor the Cubs fans respected us. And now we're going to go through it again, only this time it will be much worse, because it will be New Yorkers.
I don't mean to insult all New Yorkers. I myself grew up in the New York City area, and I know that there are many New Yorkers who are thoughtful, gracious and classy.
But there are also Yankees fans. They can best be described by an eight-letter word, beginning with the letter ''a,'' which I cannot write in a family newspaper.
Oh, what the heck, I'm going to write it anyway: The word is ''arrogant.'' Yankees fans believe their team should win the World Series every single year, because the Yankees have a Great Winning Tradition, defined as ''a really rich owner.'' That would be George Steinwhacker, who overcame the handicap of being born wealthy to become even more wealthy, and who buys all the best players from other teams. Sometimes he buys them during actual games, dropping cash on opposing players from his helicopter until they change into Yankees uniforms right on the field.
So the Yankees fans will be very confident, and the Yankees will be heavily favored.
The entire rest of the nation will be rooting against us, because the Marlins had the insensitivity to beat the beloved Cubs, instead of, I don't know, deliberately striking out in key situations.
In short, Marlins fans: Nobody wants us to win, and nobody respects us. Fox Sports has announced that it will not even be broadcasting the Marlins' halves of the innings.
''When the Marlins are batting,'' stated a Fox executive, ``we will broadcast our new sitcom Wanda At Large, which we feel will have a greater appeal to our viewers.''
OK, fine. Let the rest of the world disrespect the Marlins, and their fans.
It didn't matter when we played the Giants; it didn't matter when we played the Cubs; and it won't matter when we play the Steinwhackers. Because we don't need tradition, and we don't need history. What we have is better: a plucky, spunky team that never gives up; a feisty 106-year-old manager who doesn't give a crap what anybody thinks; and a bunch of fans who maybe jumped on the bandwagon a little late, but who plan to make up for it by partying EXTRA long when we win the World Series.
Plus, we have Tina.
