I got this from a friend back home. I don't know if it has been posted before. I hope it doesn't offend anyone.
To be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Jonesy's. It's a diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry Point,
etc.) or we will have to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop".
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of
hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here.
Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time,
but we are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five Seasons
trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000
postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids don't point at the genitalia on
Frank or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the
hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick
your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God
intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't
ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't try to fake a Iowa accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT
mention the movie "Field of Dreams" because that will incite a riot and you
will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago,
and Minneapolis, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and
hogs. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Milwaukee.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people.Behave yourselves around our sweet, little
grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in a corn
field? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air
and we'll kick your ass.
14) Writing it "Ioway City, Home of the Hogeyes" is NOT a joke. Your ass
will be kicked.
15) What do you mean you don't know what a Maid-Rite is?!?! Get the hell
out of here before we kick you ass.
16) That smell by the way, is the smell of money. Think otherwise, and we
will kick you ass.
17) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how Iowa
should "go back to the Indians." This will get your ass shot right after it
gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box.
Minus your ass.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.
To be issued by the Iowa Tourism Bureau to ALL visitors:
1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Jonesy's. It's a diner.
They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.
2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Greeley, Strawberry Point,
etc.) or we will have to kick your ass.
3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop".
Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.
4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also
better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of
hicks or we'll kick your ass.
5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here.
Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time,
but we are not
dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the
Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.
6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass strawberries and our Five Seasons
trees made out of metal. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000
postcards can't be bad. And in Cedar Rapids don't point at the genitalia on
Frank or we'll kick your ass.
7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the
hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick
your ass.
8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will
instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God
intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't
ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.
9) Don't try to fake a Iowa accent. We don't have an accent. Do NOT
mention the movie "Field of Dreams" because that will incite a riot and you
will get your ass kicked.
10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, Chicago,
and Minneapolis, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
here, Interstate 80 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it
gets kicked.
11) Don't complain that Iowa is flat and that all you can see is corn and
hogs. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way
back to Milwaukee.
12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold
doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things
are expected of civilized people.Behave yourselves around our sweet, little
grey-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just
like they did ours.
13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in a corn
field? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly,
crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air
and we'll kick your ass.
14) Writing it "Ioway City, Home of the Hogeyes" is NOT a joke. Your ass
will be kicked.
15) What do you mean you don't know what a Maid-Rite is?!?! Get the hell
out of here before we kick you ass.
16) That smell by the way, is the smell of money. Think otherwise, and we
will kick you ass.
17) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how Iowa
should "go back to the Indians." This will get your ass shot right after it
gets kicked. Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box.
Minus your ass.
Now enjoy your visit and then go home.
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