The "I made it through Monday" Joke thread.

[jamautosound]

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

The personnel manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00AM. The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

[bleuiko]

LoL.. man i need some coffee, keep the jokes coming ppl!

 

[xospec1alk]

heh pretty funny

 

[Ly2n]

I may have one of those. Think I should EGAY it? Lynn

 

[Keego]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, ?And get me a whiskey you cow.? The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, ?And get me another whiskey you bitch.? Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. ?I've asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap.?

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, ?For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard.?



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Two planes arrived at flight control at exactly the same time. Flight control said, ?Delta, Continental, you both arrived at the same time. Who wants to go first??

The Continental pilot immediately heard, ?Go ahead, Delta, I'll wait!?



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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. ?Good lord!? he screamed, ?One of the engines just blew up!?

Other passengers left their seats and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attatched the package to their backs.

?Say,? spoke up an alert passenger, ?Aren't those parachutes??

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, ?But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about??

?There isn't,? replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. ?We're going to get help.?

 

[Wallydraigle]

 

[Keego]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, ?You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!?

 

[jamautosound]

<---Keeping with the Airline theme.


A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."