"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
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"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
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"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
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"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
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"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
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"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
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"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
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"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey do-do."
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"Just how big were those two beers?"
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"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
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"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
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And the best one is....
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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