The Devil's dictionary
3G Mobile Content
Polyphonic ringtone.
Accenture
The tone of voice taken by a consultant while extracting large sums of money from persons working on a Business Plan.
Ad Banner
Web site advertising format invented in 1996 to demonstrate that on the Internet bad advertising doesn't work any better than it does in any other medium.
American
The person in the room least likely to get the joke.
Andersen
The unit of capacity of an office shredding machine.
All-Paper Transaction
A non-cash transaction in which two companies with empty bank accounts merge in order to have one large, complicated insolvency event rather than two smaller, simpler ones. [DC]
AOL UK
London based American owned online service provider that doesn't like to be known as American even now that it's no longer half German.
BBC
UK Government controlled broadcasting organisation noted for its poor television situation comedies and extensive digital activities funded by an unfair tax on poor people.
Blink
The HTML tag hailed as a breakthrough by those who went on to work extensively in Flash.
Boo
An Old Norse word for the alchemical procedure of turning gold into dross.
Broadband
1. High speed Internet access services whose purpose is provide moving pictures and sound for computer users who don't own television sets.
2. A networking technology that allows home Internet users to cause congestion at a much faster rate than ever before. [DC]
Business Card
A seldom carried piece of pasteboard containing useful information such as a person's name, job title and mobile telephone number.
Business Development Director
Sales manager.
Business Development Manager
Sales person.
Business Model
Description of a business that has little prospect of becoming a real business.
Business Plan
Work of fiction expensively bound and printed when the back of a cigarette packet or envelope would have done.
Business School
A place of postgraduate education for persons not suited to the process of starting actual businesses.
CDMA
Cellular telephone transmission standard devised by Americans to work on cellphones, but not mobiles.
CEO
UK managing director who thinks he's American, or at least wishes he was. [DC]
CFO
The person who is notionally responsible for the rate at which the money is being spent, and who understands how quickly the CEO is spending it, but who has no way of making him stop. [DC]
COO / Director of Operations
The founder's wife, for tax reasons. [DC]
CTO
The member of the management team who looks silliest in a Suit And Tie. [DC]
Change Control
A process contrived to prevent an Internet Web site from ever meeting the needs of its users, however obvious those needs may be.
Chatroom
Electronic meeting place provided for otherwise respectable citizens to ask each other 'Anyone fancy a shag?'
Conference Chairman
Seated person who is often poorly prepared to sell the idea of listening to a Conference Speaker.
Conference Speaker
Smartly dressed person unable to resist the urge to sell something whenever in a standing position.
Consultant
Person who knows the same or less than you but is able to present better and is paid more.
Correction
The process whereby a grossly overvalued business becomes fairly undervalued.
Database
The use of a computer system to make it difficult to store and to manipulate the information a business actually needs.
Data Mining
The systematic analysis of meaningless information to draw obvious conculusions.
Designer
Person whose job is to provide an Internet Web site with large graphics, Flash intros and poor spelling.
Digital Change Management
The art of changing the job titles of management by inserting the word 'digital' in front of them. [MB]
😀
3G Mobile Content
Polyphonic ringtone.
Accenture
The tone of voice taken by a consultant while extracting large sums of money from persons working on a Business Plan.
Ad Banner
Web site advertising format invented in 1996 to demonstrate that on the Internet bad advertising doesn't work any better than it does in any other medium.
American
The person in the room least likely to get the joke.
Andersen
The unit of capacity of an office shredding machine.
All-Paper Transaction
A non-cash transaction in which two companies with empty bank accounts merge in order to have one large, complicated insolvency event rather than two smaller, simpler ones. [DC]
AOL UK
London based American owned online service provider that doesn't like to be known as American even now that it's no longer half German.
BBC
UK Government controlled broadcasting organisation noted for its poor television situation comedies and extensive digital activities funded by an unfair tax on poor people.
Blink
The HTML tag hailed as a breakthrough by those who went on to work extensively in Flash.
Boo
An Old Norse word for the alchemical procedure of turning gold into dross.
Broadband
1. High speed Internet access services whose purpose is provide moving pictures and sound for computer users who don't own television sets.
2. A networking technology that allows home Internet users to cause congestion at a much faster rate than ever before. [DC]
Business Card
A seldom carried piece of pasteboard containing useful information such as a person's name, job title and mobile telephone number.
Business Development Director
Sales manager.
Business Development Manager
Sales person.
Business Model
Description of a business that has little prospect of becoming a real business.
Business Plan
Work of fiction expensively bound and printed when the back of a cigarette packet or envelope would have done.
Business School
A place of postgraduate education for persons not suited to the process of starting actual businesses.
CDMA
Cellular telephone transmission standard devised by Americans to work on cellphones, but not mobiles.
CEO
UK managing director who thinks he's American, or at least wishes he was. [DC]
CFO
The person who is notionally responsible for the rate at which the money is being spent, and who understands how quickly the CEO is spending it, but who has no way of making him stop. [DC]
COO / Director of Operations
The founder's wife, for tax reasons. [DC]
CTO
The member of the management team who looks silliest in a Suit And Tie. [DC]
Change Control
A process contrived to prevent an Internet Web site from ever meeting the needs of its users, however obvious those needs may be.
Chatroom
Electronic meeting place provided for otherwise respectable citizens to ask each other 'Anyone fancy a shag?'
Conference Chairman
Seated person who is often poorly prepared to sell the idea of listening to a Conference Speaker.
Conference Speaker
Smartly dressed person unable to resist the urge to sell something whenever in a standing position.
Consultant
Person who knows the same or less than you but is able to present better and is paid more.
Correction
The process whereby a grossly overvalued business becomes fairly undervalued.
Database
The use of a computer system to make it difficult to store and to manipulate the information a business actually needs.
Data Mining
The systematic analysis of meaningless information to draw obvious conculusions.
Designer
Person whose job is to provide an Internet Web site with large graphics, Flash intros and poor spelling.
Digital Change Management
The art of changing the job titles of management by inserting the word 'digital' in front of them. [MB]
😀
