TGIF

[Infos]

Irish Shopping
==============

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.

"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled overwhat McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"my wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!"








Presidential
============

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush
with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything
within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin.
"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"
"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.
"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"
"Could the condoms be red in color
and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides
about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company.
"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."
"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.
"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."
"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President,
"print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one!"

 

[Infos]

TGIF
A businessman got into an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'

He smiled at her and replied,
'S-H-I-T'

She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile
and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back at her and once again
replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time
she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'

 

[Infos]

This is an old one but chances are many haven't heard it...



Cross-examined


An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse
were struck by a car at an intersection.
Samuel sued the driver of the car. I
n court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries.
However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer
at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"

Samuel: Well ... let me explain.

Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes).
Please tell the jury.

Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse.
Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,'
and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead.
Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing.

Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

 

[Infos]

face lift 2

This woman of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift.
With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons
before choosing the best money could buy.

The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years
because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear
that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning
when she noticed bags under her eyes.

Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding
to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits,
and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"



:Q

 

[Infos]

This is an old one ....but still funny


Elderly Couple
==============

An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel,
the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked,
"What did he say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said.
"I spent some time there once and went on a blind date
with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked,
"What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"










Doomed Through Stupid
=====================

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside." (The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how ...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But its
"just" a suggestion)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside
down." (Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands
or genitals." (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

 

[N8Magic]

Where do you get all of this stuff? :Q

 

[Infos]

Ezines I'm subscribed to

So does that mean you don't think it's funny?

I plan on discontinuing my OT posts very soon

 

[b0mbrman]

<< Where do you get all of this stuff? :Q >>



Yes. They're quite nice.

 

[N8Magic]

No no no no... I didn't mean that. The jokes were funny.

I was only commenting on the sheer volume of posts that you make. It's amazing to see someone have that much material!

 

[joohang]

LOL

 

[Aquaman]

ROTFLOL

Cheers,
Aquaman

 

[Qacer]

Here's a joke that's on my Ebay auction:


A man was in a restaurant and he dropped his spoon. The waiter at his table took another spoon out of his pocket and gave it to the man. The man said,

"Thank you" and took a sip of his soup and then asked,

"Excuse me but why do all the waiters have spoons in their pockets?" and the waiter said,

"Well sir a survey in our restaurant showed that 1 in 4 customers drops their spoon just like you, so we give them the spare instead of them eating with the dirty one."

But as the waiter was walking back to the Kitchen the man noticed that there was a string hanging from his flies and the man said,

"Excuse me but why do you, and all the other waiters have a string hanging out of your flies?" and the waiter said,

"Well sir, a survey in our restaurant showed that the waiters can save time and serve more customers, if we do not wash our hands after using the toilet. So we use the string tied to our, you know what, to pull it out of our trousers so we don't get our hands dirty."

Then the man took another sip of his soup and replied,

"That's all very well, but how do you get it back in again?"

"Well I don't know about the others." replied the waiter, "But I use the spoon."

 

[SinNisTeR]

i agree, i like your jokes.. keep em coming!