Tell your funniest "drunk" story.

[AreaCode707]

I don't do a lot of partying, so my story is pretty lame.


I was DDing a 21st birthday party in college for two freshman. The guy was a really mellow drunk, so a couple of drinks and he was essentially one with the couch and quite happy with it. The girl, on the other hand, had a chatty disposition anyway, and after a few rum and cokes, was just going ON and ON and ON, and the guy and I were laughing at her. Immediately she went from being all happy and up to nearly in tears, insisting, "It's not the alcohol, it's the CAFFEINE! If you guys don't stop making fun of me, I'm leaving right now, I'm walking home!" So we acknowledged that it was really the caffeine and she got all cheery again. Just funny to me how insistent she was that the cause of her manic behavior wasn't the alcohol.

 

[FrustratedUser]

I stuck mine in the wrong hole. She said 'Ooops' and we carried on.

 

[Tuktuk]

Too many.. way too many. Breaking into the zoo and jumping into the Reindeer habitat was interesting.

 

[Kirby]

I wish I could remember most of mine.

I've been told that I made out with a fat chick, drank other people's beer at the bowling alley, and everything else under the sun.

 

[bobsmith1492]

Huh, never really been around drunk people. I saw some guy walking oddly down the middle of the street in downtown GR, though...

 

[SirStev0]

funniest??
I dont know if it was the funniest but two summers ago I got off work around 2 am and went to my buddies place. They had just got into town (the town we all go to college at that is) and they had a few cases. We decided to pull an all nighter, drank until about 930 in the morning then we, completely intoxicated decide to drag mattresses out into their driveway and sleep (passout) for a bit. Needless to say we woke up to the mail man laughing at us.

Around 11 we went to the all you can eat kfc buffet. Then back to drinking. Then to the community pool, which every half hour or so we went out to the parking lot to slam a few before we went back in. Went in their dry sauna (bad idea-- dehydration was emmient). Left. Went back to drinking and that is right about when everything gets fuzzy. Wake up on the mattress again, to the mail man laughing at us ... again.

 

[daniel49]

I don't drink anymore but if I go way back to my teenage years directing traffic on the interstate comes to mind.
Funny part was the police just said go back to the concert plz and get out of the road

 

[Martin]

I'll share one...

It was a Friday night after a final exam in the middle of December, and me and two friends were drinking and hanging out. We got bored, decided to go for a walk and being drunk, decided to go in the middle of a dorm's courtyard and scream so we could wake everybody up (it was around 12-1). So we did that... but as we were doing it, the campus police passed by and stopped. We saw them and started running. I was probably paranoid, so I decided to run and hide in this little park let between some buildings. Unfortunately, I didn't know that there was a pond at the end of it, so as I was running all of a sudden I fell through some ice and ended up knee-deep in really cold water. Being drunk, instead of getting out after getting one leg in, I kept on running through the ice, tripped and fell on my hands, so basicly both legs and arms were wet.
At this point I panicked, started screaming like mad for my friend (whom I had outrun) because I needed to get to his dorm ASAP and into a hot shower. After what seemed an eternity of running like mad with my legs, arms and crotch freezing, I got to his dorm, and shortly afterwards I was in the shower. The night ended with me washing all my clothes (shoes take a long time to dry in the dryer) and swearing to never drink again. Which I didn't...until the week after.

 

[SirStev0]

Originally posted by: nkgreen
I wish I could remember most of mine.

I've been told that I made out with a fat chick, drank other people's beer at the bowling alley, and everything else under the sun.

Your friends must be nice. Mine tend to take video clips of such things.

 

[Kirby]

Originally posted by: SirStev0

Originally posted by: nkgreen
I wish I could remember most of mine.

I've been told that I made out with a fat chick, drank other people's beer at the bowling alley, and everything else under the sun.

Your friends must be nice. Mine tend to take video clips of such things.

It's not that nice to wake up and find a huge penis drawn on you with permanent marker. And there alot of pictures.

 

[PAB]

I went out gocart racing with the guys. One of them says "hey, my sister wants to hang out with me. You're all welcome to join in. She's over at this bar on 129." I'm like bar? sister? awesome! lets go! So we all pile into my Honda and get to the bar. $5 cover, and one member of the crew forgot his ID. I take one for the team and we go back to his house, grab ID and then go back to the bar. $55 in cover charges later we're all in playing pool and having drinks.

My friend Chris pulls me to the side and talks to me.

Listen. If someone walks up to you and starts talking - just smile and say not interested.

What are you taking about chris?

Dude, just trust me. Smile. Not interested.

Ok but I fail to see what that has to do with...." thats when I look up and I see two guys with their shirts off dancing. I'm in a gay bar.

"wow. just wow."

So, we've got probably a dozen people in our crew. Both sis sisters are wearing freaking MOHAWKS (I went to 8th grade with one of them so I'm asking myself where the hell the cute and quiet brunette girl with glasses went) a bunch of lip peircings. One of them is a lesibian. After a few minutes, I figure out which.

At this point, I've never been this scared before in my life and I've been held at gunpoint before. Reason? When I left the house, I threw on my only clean shirt. It was pink.

So, to recap: I am in a bar. A gay bar. With straight friends. Wearing a pink shirt. No good can come of this evening.

So we're all hanging out and having a reasonably good time. Booze is flowing, pooltable is screwing up all my shots. I have the WORST JACK AND COCK EVER. It was a coke with a splash of whiskey. Oops. Did I just type that out? Goddamnit. Anyways, that was a waste of $5 but our bar tabs this weekend are already epic so nobody cares.

Next thing I know, the lesbian sister asks me to dance!

I decline. Just....no. Nothing against her, I just dont feel like dancing, and if I did, I'm not sure dancing with a lesbian and a mohawk is my idea of a good time.

I've had a few but I'm not drunk enough to dance with a lesbian. Wait. Did I mention this was a big girl? Well, this was a big girl. If she looked like a lesbian you'd see/hear about on Howard 100, I'd get on that dance floor and make some noise.

So she grabs her brother and girlfriend and starts dancing a three way. I'm sitting back shooting the breeze with my friends.

Right around midnight, the dance floor clears. Crystal Taylor is now taking the spotlight dressed in a santa suit and fishnet stockings dancing around the dancefloor using every inch of it and the stripper pole to "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BABYYYYYY"

It is at this precise point I realize that the evening has went from "memorable" to "Un-freaking-beliveable."

On a sidenote, I will say, that that was the best damn show I've seen a drag queen do in my life. And I used to watch the rupaul show on VH1!

Crystal clears out for her next set when they send in....SKYLER THE MALE STRIPPER. Wearing leather pants and an emo spiked collar. He was basically an emokid in tight leather pants.

He startsed out dressed up as a santa's elf and the the music comes on.

Rudolph the red nose reindeer....*cuts to Nine Inch Nails* WANNA FSCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL...*bicthing instrument break here*..I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE......*

We are LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF at the fact that rudolph wants to rudolph all over us.

Its the middle of his set, he's got gay guys giving him money everywhere and the middle of his set he has something going on. I'm wondering what he's going do do with that candle and HOLY GOD HE'S POURING HOT CANDLE WAX ALL OVER HIS CHEST and rubbing it all over. He then makes rounds getting $20's from gay guys and it looks like he's shaking it till they cant take it.

He goes around the perimiter of the dance floor and I'm sitting two rows from the edge of the stage. He runs up to my friend sergio, puts his leg up and just starts humping his face. I am talking BALLS ON HIS FOREHEAD. He's sitting there looking scared. Meanwhile, I'm sitting a row behind him and the guys are in tears from the laughter. I'm wishing I had a camera right then.

So the male stripper wraps up, the female stripper comes out. She does her dance, and makes $20 from the lesbians and then the drag queen comes out again. She does an AWESOME "I feel Pretty" routine BTW.

Finally she grabs the mike and wants to say HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! This is now a night to remember. Christmas eve spent in a gay bar getting asked to dance by lesbians while wearing a pink shirt.

So Crystal does her thing and just starts talking to people from the audience.

She invites someone to do a shot with her, and who does she pic? MY FRIENDS OTHER NON LESBIAN SISTER WITH HER BOYFRIEND!

She's going up to do a JAGER BOMB with the DRAG QUEEN as I'm struggling to comprehend why I didn't bring my camera. This is now TWO christmas card moments i've missed!

She does the jagerbomb and we get ready for Crystal's next round, which was awesome. I recall bolting up, applauding heartily while screaming YOU GO GIRL!

Next thing I know, I really needed to pee and I was afraid to go to the bathroom, so I went out of the bar and walked to the dennys next door.

I'm walking out the door and lesbian sister is talking to the male stripper. I can't help but overhear

skyler: i dont normally give my number out to girls.........

Lets see. Lesbian with a mohawk. JUST GOT THE NUMBER OF THE GAY STRIPPER.

DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

My mind is churning and trying to get this. No offense, I think she's cool and everything but apparently she's lesbo enough to be a lesbo, but girly girl enough to get a gay stripper's cell number? This is unbelievable.

I get back to the bar and we're all hanging out and my mind starts thinking.

Hey Pat! I got $ that says if I can get the DJ to play "Ladies Night" by Kool and the Gang that we'll blow the roof off this place!

He does not take the bet, but challenges me anyways.

I go to the DJ booth and I'm like "YO DJ! THE GIRLS BACK THERE WANT TO HEAR LADIES NIGHT BY KOOL AND THE GANG!" and he gives me the stare. He heard me but didnt understand any of the words coming out of my mouth. "LADIES NIGHT. KOOL AND THE GANG."

Nothing. Blank stare. Vacant. The hamster is dead but the wheel is still spinning. He dosent have it.

I was PISSED. I get back to the table and ask everyone - What kind of gay bar is this? Any self respecting gay bar has to have ladies night by kool and the gang! I want to hang the DJ.

We go back to hanging out. The drag queen is making her rounds and doing photos and stuff. We're back over by the pool tables and I see a tableful of gay pride magazines. Its called "Out on the coast" and has a rainbow flag and a gay guy in a speedo on the cover.

If it isn't patently obvious, I'll spell it out for you. Its christmas eve and I'm next to a stack of gay pride magazines. My mind is in the gutter, where it works best.

We have a friend who is certifiably insane. He wanted to break into a cops house, and asked me to be an accomplice, has met/dated a girl that he met on WORLD OF WARCRAFT and wanted to marry a freshman high school girl as a senior in high school.

So in a nutshell, his idea of love is getting an erection. We have made so many gay jokes at his expense over the past 10 years, that making another isn't going to hurt anything.

I announce that I think we ought to grab a stack of them gay pride magazines and stick them all over sebastians mailbox for christmas!

The entire group keels over from laughter. It is epic.

Next thing I know its last call, we close out our tabs and go to steak and shake. I grab three gay pride magazines. On the way out, I'm waiting for the drunken gaggle to come out so I can drive them. As I'm waiting in the parking lot, I peruse through one of said pride magazines. Hey, I'm a car dealer! I can advertise in here. What if I need to sell a miata? (sorry AI, you had to have seen that one from a mile away)

Over steakburgers and milkshakes, we decide not to plaster his car and mailbox with gay pride paraphanelia on christmas eve eve, because that's wrong.

We eventually decide that we SHOULD do it on actual christmas eve, to give the impression his home was visited by some incarnation of homosexual santa claus.

After we eat I drive everyone home. Gay pride magazines are stuffed in my glovebox. We go out to the bar again tonight, and we spent christmas eve playing pool and drinking beer. Yes, my life is that sketchy. Christmas eve in a bar. We shoot pool and the breeze for a few hours with friends that just came in to town tonight.

The bartab comes, nobody's got a credit card the place takes and I wind up picking up WAY TOO MUCH of the $100 bar tab since I'm the only one who carries things other than a debit card anymore.

Chris and wife have to go home. I take pat and joe to another bar where I know is open. It was $2 shots night. Said bar has a $15 credit card minimum. I know the guy who owns the place and I was tempted to ask for him to say its ok but then I had a better idea.

I reached into my wallet and couldnt find a $10. If I could find one I would have slammed on the bar and say "BARKEEP! JACK PAT UP!" but he was already pretty loaded. We have a few more drinks and its 2AM. After hitting up Dennys, we plaster someone's car and maibox with said gay pride stuff at 3:30 christmas morning.

 

[skyking]

I'll tell one about my good friend Slim, my wife, and Dave in Alaska.
We got into Wrangell AK about 11PM from Bellingham WA. slim was the more experienced traveller, and had made it to the hotel lounge ahead of us. We come in and find him at a table with a local lady.
My wife and I pull up chairs and ask about his "new friend".
He is giving me this look of death and desperation. He kicked me in the shin so hard I could barely stifle a groan.
On closer inspection, you could see she was a native lady several years his senior and in rough shape Hey, it WAS dark in there!
He looked ready to chew his own leg off, coyote-in-a-trap style
We ducked out of there, leaving our drinks on the table.
Down the street we got some new drinks at a different bar. We regaled the barman with our tale, and he said, "oh, I see you've met Eileen"

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: PAB

I read that whole thing without looking at the poster name, and as soon as I saw the name sebastian I scrolled back up to check because I figured it was you.

 

[Merlyn3D]

Originally posted by: PAB
I went out gocart racing with the guys. One of them says "hey, my sister wants to hang out with me. You're all welcome to join in. She's over at this bar on 129." I'm like bar? sister? awesome! lets go! So we all pile into my Honda and get to the bar. $5 cover, and one member of the crew forgot his ID. I take one for the team and we go back to his house, grab ID and then go back to the bar. $55 in cover charges later we're all in playing pool and having drinks.

My friend Chris pulls me to the side and talks to me.

Listen. If someone walks up to you and starts talking - just smile and say not interested.

What are you taking about chris?

Dude, just trust me. Smile. Not interested.

Ok but I fail to see what that has to do with...." thats when I look up and I see two guys with their shirts off dancing. I'm in a gay bar.

"wow. just wow."

So, we've got probably a dozen people in our crew. Both sis sisters are wearing freaking MOHAWKS (I went to 8th grade with one of them so I'm asking myself where the hell the cute and quiet brunette girl with glasses went) a bunch of lip peircings. One of them is a lesibian. After a few minutes, I figure out which.

At this point, I've never been this scared before in my life and I've been held at gunpoint before. Reason? When I left the house, I threw on my only clean shirt. It was pink.

So, to recap: I am in a bar. A gay bar. With straight friends. Wearing a pink shirt. No good can come of this evening.

So we're all hanging out and having a reasonably good time. Booze is flowing, pooltable is screwing up all my shots. I have the WORST JACK AND COCK EVER. It was a coke with a splash of whiskey. Oops. Did I just type that out? Goddamnit. Anyways, that was a waste of $5 but our bar tabs this weekend are already epic so nobody cares.

Next thing I know, the lesbian sister asks me to dance!

I decline. Just....no. Nothing against her, I just dont feel like dancing, and if I did, I'm not sure dancing with a lesbian and a mohawk is my idea of a good time.

I've had a few but I'm not drunk enough to dance with a lesbian. Wait. Did I mention this was a big girl? Well, this was a big girl. If she looked like a lesbian you'd see/hear about on Howard 100, I'd get on that dance floor and make some noise.

So she grabs her brother and girlfriend and starts dancing a three way. I'm sitting back shooting the breeze with my friends.

Right around midnight, the dance floor clears. Crystal Taylor is now taking the spotlight dressed in a santa suit and fishnet stockings dancing around the dancefloor using every inch of it and the stripper pole to "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BABYYYYYY"

It is at this precise point I realize that the evening has went from "memorable" to "Un-freaking-beliveable."

On a sidenote, I will say, that that was the best damn show I've seen a drag queen do in my life. And I used to watch the rupaul show on VH1!

Crystal clears out for her next set when they send in....SKYLER THE MALE STRIPPER. Wearing leather pants and an emo spiked collar. He was basically an emokid in tight leather pants.

He startsed out dressed up as a santa's elf and the the music comes on.

Rudolph the red nose reindeer....*cuts to Nine Inch Nails* WANNA FSCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL...*bicthing instrument break here*..I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE......*

We are LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF at the fact that rudolph wants to rudolph all over us.

Its the middle of his set, he's got gay guys giving him money everywhere and the middle of his set he has something going on. I'm wondering what he's going do do with that candle and HOLY GOD HE'S POURING HOT CANDLE WAX ALL OVER HIS CHEST and rubbing it all over. He then makes rounds getting $20's from gay guys and it looks like he's shaking it till they cant take it.

He goes around the perimiter of the dance floor and I'm sitting two rows from the edge of the stage. He runs up to my friend sergio, puts his leg up and just starts humping his face. I am talking BALLS ON HIS FOREHEAD. He's sitting there looking scared. Meanwhile, I'm sitting a row behind him and the guys are in tears from the laughter. I'm wishing I had a camera right then.

So the male stripper wraps up, the female stripper comes out. She does her dance, and makes $20 from the lesbians and then the drag queen comes out again. She does an AWESOME "I feel Pretty" routine BTW.

Finally she grabs the mike and wants to say HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! This is now a night to remember. Christmas eve spent in a gay bar getting asked to dance by lesbians while wearing a pink shirt.

So Crystal does her thing and just starts talking to people from the audience.

She invites someone to do a shot with her, and who does she pic? MY FRIENDS OTHER NON LESBIAN SISTER WITH HER BOYFRIEND!

She's going up to do a JAGER BOMB with the DRAG QUEEN as I'm struggling to comprehend why I didn't bring my camera. This is now TWO christmas card moments i've missed!

She does the jagerbomb and we get ready for Crystal's next round, which was awesome. I recall bolting up, applauding heartily while screaming YOU GO GIRL!

Next thing I know, I really needed to pee and I was afraid to go to the bathroom, so I went out of the bar and walked to the dennys next door.

I'm walking out the door and lesbian sister is talking to the male stripper. I can't help but overhear

skyler: i dont normally give my number out to girls.........

Lets see. Lesbian with a mohawk. JUST GOT THE NUMBER OF THE GAY STRIPPER.

DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

My mind is churning and trying to get this. No offense, I think she's cool and everything but apparently she's lesbo enough to be a lesbo, but girly girl enough to get a gay stripper's cell number? This is unbelievable.

I get back to the bar and we're all hanging out and my mind starts thinking.

Hey Pat! I got $ that says if I can get the DJ to play "Ladies Night" by Kool and the Gang that we'll blow the roof off this place!

He does not take the bet, but challenges me anyways.

I go to the DJ booth and I'm like "YO DJ! THE GIRLS BACK THERE WANT TO HEAR LADIES NIGHT BY KOOL AND THE GANG!" and he gives me the stare. He heard me but didnt understand any of the words coming out of my mouth. "LADIES NIGHT. KOOL AND THE GANG."

Nothing. Blank stare. Vacant. The hamster is dead but the wheel is still spinning. He dosent have it.

I was PISSED. I get back to the table and ask everyone - What kind of gay bar is this? Any self respecting gay bar has to have ladies night by kool and the gang! I want to hang the DJ.

We go back to hanging out. The drag queen is making her rounds and doing photos and stuff. We're back over by the pool tables and I see a tableful of gay pride magazines. Its called "Out on the coast" and has a rainbow flag and a gay guy in a speedo on the cover.

If it isn't patently obvious, I'll spell it out for you. Its christmas eve and I'm next to a stack of gay pride magazines. My mind is in the gutter, where it works best.

We have a friend who is certifiably insane. He wanted to break into a cops house, and asked me to be an accomplice, has met/dated a girl that he met on WORLD OF WARCRAFT and wanted to marry a freshman high school girl as a senior in high school.

So in a nutshell, his idea of love is getting an erection. We have made so many gay jokes at his expense over the past 10 years, that making another isn't going to hurt anything.

I announce that I think we ought to grab a stack of them gay pride magazines and stick them all over sebastians mailbox for christmas!

The entire group keels over from laughter. It is epic.

Next thing I know its last call, we close out our tabs and go to steak and shake. I grab three gay pride magazines. On the way out, I'm waiting for the drunken gaggle to come out so I can drive them. As I'm waiting in the parking lot, I peruse through one of said pride magazines. Hey, I'm a car dealer! I can advertise in here. What if I need to sell a miata? (sorry AI, you had to have seen that one from a mile away)

Over steakburgers and milkshakes, we decide not to plaster his car and mailbox with gay pride paraphanelia on christmas eve eve, because that's wrong.

We eventually decide that we SHOULD do it on actual christmas eve, to give the impression his home was visited by some incarnation of homosexual santa claus.

After we eat I drive everyone home. Gay pride magazines are stuffed in my glovebox. We go out to the bar again tonight, and we spent christmas eve playing pool and drinking beer. Yes, my life is that sketchy. Christmas eve in a bar. We shoot pool and the breeze for a few hours with friends that just came in to town tonight.

The bartab comes, nobody's got a credit card the place takes and I wind up picking up WAY TOO MUCH of the $100 bar tab since I'm the only one who carries things other than a debit card anymore.

Chris and wife have to go home. I take pat and joe to another bar where I know is open. It was $2 shots night. Said bar has a $15 credit card minimum. I know the guy who owns the place and I was tempted to ask for him to say its ok but then I had a better idea.

I reached into my wallet and couldnt find a $10. If I could find one I would have slammed on the bar and say "BARKEEP! JACK PAT UP!" but he was already pretty loaded. We have a few more drinks and its 2AM. After hitting up Dennys, we plaster someone's car and maibox with said gay pride stuff at 3:30 christmas morning.

cliffs?

 

[PAB]

Originally posted by: HotChic

Originally posted by: PAB

I read that whole thing without looking at the poster name, and as soon as I saw the name sebastian I scrolled back up to check because I figured it was you.

Yeah, most of my stories tend to revolve around the same pool of degenerates.

 

[soydios]

Originally posted by: Merlyn3D

Originally posted by: PAB
I went out gocart racing with the guys. One of them says "hey, my sister wants to hang out with me. You're all welcome to join in. She's over at this bar on 129." I'm like bar? sister? awesome! lets go! So we all pile into my Honda and get to the bar. $5 cover, and one member of the crew forgot his ID. I take one for the team and we go back to his house, grab ID and then go back to the bar. $55 in cover charges later we're all in playing pool and having drinks.

My friend Chris pulls me to the side and talks to me.

Listen. If someone walks up to you and starts talking - just smile and say not interested.

What are you taking about chris?

Dude, just trust me. Smile. Not interested.

Ok but I fail to see what that has to do with...." thats when I look up and I see two guys with their shirts off dancing. I'm in a gay bar.

"wow. just wow."

So, we've got probably a dozen people in our crew. Both sis sisters are wearing freaking MOHAWKS (I went to 8th grade with one of them so I'm asking myself where the hell the cute and quiet brunette girl with glasses went) a bunch of lip peircings. One of them is a lesibian. After a few minutes, I figure out which.

At this point, I've never been this scared before in my life and I've been held at gunpoint before. Reason? When I left the house, I threw on my only clean shirt. It was pink.

So, to recap: I am in a bar. A gay bar. With straight friends. Wearing a pink shirt. No good can come of this evening.

So we're all hanging out and having a reasonably good time. Booze is flowing, pooltable is screwing up all my shots. I have the WORST JACK AND COCK EVER. It was a coke with a splash of whiskey. Oops. Did I just type that out? Goddamnit. Anyways, that was a waste of $5 but our bar tabs this weekend are already epic so nobody cares.

Next thing I know, the lesbian sister asks me to dance!

I decline. Just....no. Nothing against her, I just dont feel like dancing, and if I did, I'm not sure dancing with a lesbian and a mohawk is my idea of a good time.

I've had a few but I'm not drunk enough to dance with a lesbian. Wait. Did I mention this was a big girl? Well, this was a big girl. If she looked like a lesbian you'd see/hear about on Howard 100, I'd get on that dance floor and make some noise.

So she grabs her brother and girlfriend and starts dancing a three way. I'm sitting back shooting the breeze with my friends.

Right around midnight, the dance floor clears. Crystal Taylor is now taking the spotlight dressed in a santa suit and fishnet stockings dancing around the dancefloor using every inch of it and the stripper pole to "ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BABYYYYYY"

It is at this precise point I realize that the evening has went from "memorable" to "Un-freaking-beliveable."

On a sidenote, I will say, that that was the best damn show I've seen a drag queen do in my life. And I used to watch the rupaul show on VH1!

Crystal clears out for her next set when they send in....SKYLER THE MALE STRIPPER. Wearing leather pants and an emo spiked collar. He was basically an emokid in tight leather pants.

He startsed out dressed up as a santa's elf and the the music comes on.

Rudolph the red nose reindeer....*cuts to Nine Inch Nails* WANNA FSCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAL...*bicthing instrument break here*..I WANNA FEEL YOU FROM THE INSIDE......*

We are LAUGHING OUR ASSES OFF at the fact that rudolph wants to rudolph all over us.

Its the middle of his set, he's got gay guys giving him money everywhere and the middle of his set he has something going on. I'm wondering what he's going do do with that candle and HOLY GOD HE'S POURING HOT CANDLE WAX ALL OVER HIS CHEST and rubbing it all over. He then makes rounds getting $20's from gay guys and it looks like he's shaking it till they cant take it.

He goes around the perimiter of the dance floor and I'm sitting two rows from the edge of the stage. He runs up to my friend sergio, puts his leg up and just starts humping his face. I am talking BALLS ON HIS FOREHEAD. He's sitting there looking scared. Meanwhile, I'm sitting a row behind him and the guys are in tears from the laughter. I'm wishing I had a camera right then.

So the male stripper wraps up, the female stripper comes out. She does her dance, and makes $20 from the lesbians and then the drag queen comes out again. She does an AWESOME "I feel Pretty" routine BTW.

Finally she grabs the mike and wants to say HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE! This is now a night to remember. Christmas eve spent in a gay bar getting asked to dance by lesbians while wearing a pink shirt.

So Crystal does her thing and just starts talking to people from the audience.

She invites someone to do a shot with her, and who does she pic? MY FRIENDS OTHER NON LESBIAN SISTER WITH HER BOYFRIEND!

She's going up to do a JAGER BOMB with the DRAG QUEEN as I'm struggling to comprehend why I didn't bring my camera. This is now TWO christmas card moments i've missed!

She does the jagerbomb and we get ready for Crystal's next round, which was awesome. I recall bolting up, applauding heartily while screaming YOU GO GIRL!

Next thing I know, I really needed to pee and I was afraid to go to the bathroom, so I went out of the bar and walked to the dennys next door.

I'm walking out the door and lesbian sister is talking to the male stripper. I can't help but overhear

skyler: i dont normally give my number out to girls.........

Lets see. Lesbian with a mohawk. JUST GOT THE NUMBER OF THE GAY STRIPPER.

DOES
NOT
COMPUTE

My mind is churning and trying to get this. No offense, I think she's cool and everything but apparently she's lesbo enough to be a lesbo, but girly girl enough to get a gay stripper's cell number? This is unbelievable.

I get back to the bar and we're all hanging out and my mind starts thinking.

Hey Pat! I got $ that says if I can get the DJ to play "Ladies Night" by Kool and the Gang that we'll blow the roof off this place!

He does not take the bet, but challenges me anyways.

I go to the DJ booth and I'm like "YO DJ! THE GIRLS BACK THERE WANT TO HEAR LADIES NIGHT BY KOOL AND THE GANG!" and he gives me the stare. He heard me but didnt understand any of the words coming out of my mouth. "LADIES NIGHT. KOOL AND THE GANG."

Nothing. Blank stare. Vacant. The hamster is dead but the wheel is still spinning. He dosent have it.

I was PISSED. I get back to the table and ask everyone - What kind of gay bar is this? Any self respecting gay bar has to have ladies night by kool and the gang! I want to hang the DJ.

We go back to hanging out. The drag queen is making her rounds and doing photos and stuff. We're back over by the pool tables and I see a tableful of gay pride magazines. Its called "Out on the coast" and has a rainbow flag and a gay guy in a speedo on the cover.

If it isn't patently obvious, I'll spell it out for you. Its christmas eve and I'm next to a stack of gay pride magazines. My mind is in the gutter, where it works best.

We have a friend who is certifiably insane. He wanted to break into a cops house, and asked me to be an accomplice, has met/dated a girl that he met on WORLD OF WARCRAFT and wanted to marry a freshman high school girl as a senior in high school.

So in a nutshell, his idea of love is getting an erection. We have made so many gay jokes at his expense over the past 10 years, that making another isn't going to hurt anything.

I announce that I think we ought to grab a stack of them gay pride magazines and stick them all over sebastians mailbox for christmas!

The entire group keels over from laughter. It is epic.

Next thing I know its last call, we close out our tabs and go to steak and shake. I grab three gay pride magazines. On the way out, I'm waiting for the drunken gaggle to come out so I can drive them. As I'm waiting in the parking lot, I peruse through one of said pride magazines. Hey, I'm a car dealer! I can advertise in here. What if I need to sell a miata? (sorry AI, you had to have seen that one from a mile away)

Over steakburgers and milkshakes, we decide not to plaster his car and mailbox with gay pride paraphanelia on christmas eve eve, because that's wrong.

We eventually decide that we SHOULD do it on actual christmas eve, to give the impression his home was visited by some incarnation of homosexual santa claus.

After we eat I drive everyone home. Gay pride magazines are stuffed in my glovebox. We go out to the bar again tonight, and we spent christmas eve playing pool and drinking beer. Yes, my life is that sketchy. Christmas eve in a bar. We shoot pool and the breeze for a few hours with friends that just came in to town tonight.

The bartab comes, nobody's got a credit card the place takes and I wind up picking up WAY TOO MUCH of the $100 bar tab since I'm the only one who carries things other than a debit card anymore.

Chris and wife have to go home. I take pat and joe to another bar where I know is open. It was $2 shots night. Said bar has a $15 credit card minimum. I know the guy who owns the place and I was tempted to ask for him to say its ok but then I had a better idea.

I reached into my wallet and couldnt find a $10. If I could find one I would have slammed on the bar and say "BARKEEP! JACK PAT UP!" but he was already pretty loaded. We have a few more drinks and its 2AM. After hitting up Dennys, we plaster someone's car and maibox with said gay pride stuff at 3:30 christmas morning.

cliffs?

read it all. it's 10/10, even if it's from PAB

 

[InFeXiOn]

PAB - That story was incredible. There were parts where I was nearly in tears. Ah, I love these forums <3.

 

[randym431]

Winter 1979. A friend and myself in my car going across town. Getting on the freeway on ramp, noticed a car off to one side with the right tire caught on the guard rail in the snow. One girl inside, one out trying to get a passerby?s attention.
These girls were drunk. REALLY drunk. She wanted a ride to get help with her stuck car. We had our reservations, but it was cold, winter and very late plus no other traffic. Couldn?t just leave them stranded. So she told her friend (still in the car) they got a ride. The doors were locked on their car. And her friend inside was soooo drunk, she couldn?t unlock the door. Just pawed at the latch. Finally she managed to open it. They got in the back of my 1976 chevy carmaro. One of them was smoking a cig, and wearing a thick cheap fur coat. As we drove away I asked where they wanted to go. She said the bon-bon room (a bar, I guess???). I ask where it was and they didn?t know.
Just then she says she lost her cig. And wearing that thick fur coat, I thought fire any minute. It was so sad, that it was funny. ?I lost my cig? she said, as I tried to keep from laughing. Her in that coat, drunk, and then dropping her cig somewhere.

Nothing came of that, no fire. And no cig. Guess it went out on its own???

So her very drunk girlfriend was almost asleep. And the other didn?t know where this bon-bon room was located. So I realized this was a bad situation and exited the freeway to a downtown area where some bars are located. I pulled in the first parking lot of some bar (not this bon-bon room, however), and suggested they go inside to either look up where the bon-bon room was, or just go in the bar and call someone for help.

So she woke up her friend, they got out and as soon as they started to walk away, her very drunk friend threw up, then started to pass out. I was just thankful she didn?t barf in my back seat. So I watched as her friend helped her to the bar door, they went inside, and I drove off like a bat out of hell.

So much for trying to help. And especially two drunk girls that already got their car stuck in the snow on a freeway ramp guard rail.

But thinking about, even still, it was funny. Especially when this drunk, wearing a thick fur, whines ?I dropped my cig?, in a high pitched nasal voice.

 

[ScottyB]

I was at some girl's party and she had a lot of gay friends, so the majority of people were gay guys and there were only about five girls at the entire place. The party was pretty boring until a series of events made it the most interesting night I have ever had.

To start of the night this really hot chick was giving this gay kid a lap dance. I doubt she new that my friends (me and three others) were straight as she hiked up her dress during the lap dance several times and had on no panties. I saw everything along with one of my friends (though I was the DD and remember it all, while he was wasted and doesn't remember).

Meanwhile there was this really fat ugly girl that was going around and hitting on my straight friends and me. She began to crawl on us as she became drunker and more brave. She asked me, "Will you fvck me?" I said that I wouldn't and she asked if it was because I thought she was ugly and I lied and said it wasn't the reason. (More on her later).

I went upstairs to the living room to check out some girls sitting there and one of the gay guys came running through the house arms flailing and tears pouring down his cheeks. I found out that he had been bitch slapped by his boyfriend in the bathroom after the boyfriend found him blowing some guy in the bathroom.

The gays at the party then started grouping together to discuss the situation and the fat ugly girl came back into the scene. She climbed onto my friend and wouldn't get off him. He tried pushing her off, but she was too heavy. He then started punching her stomach in a punching bag fashion and she started laughing/crying. After a few minutes, she finally climbed off.

The gay situation died down, and the party started up again. I watched a pair of lesbians making out, and waited with my friend while his new girl pal came to the party. He was actually sad that his girl pal was coming, because he wanted to have sex with the lap dancing girl from earlier. The fat girl in the meantime decided that she was in love with my friend. She kept asking information about him and calling out his name in a drunken stupor. I guess she became aware that my friend was checking out the lap dance girl because she followed her upstairs and bitch slapped her then started crying.

My friend's girl pal came to the party and we updated her on the situation, omitting the stuff about my friend wanting to sleep with the lap dance girl. My other two friends decided that they were done with the party and walked to another one a few blocks away while the rest of us stayed.

During the next hour or so, the fat drunk girl became a total wreck. She was walking around bouncing off all the tables and furniture. She even stumbled back across half the basement room we were in, fell against a fire extinguisher, and some how made it fly around in a circle. It was a very Three Stooges moment.

Before we left, the coups-de-grace happened. There was a "little person" at the party who had not been real noticeable at the party aside from her diminished stature. She sucked air from one of the helium balloons and stated to sing "Follow the Yellow-Brick Road."

This was hands-down the funniest night I have ever had.

 

[j00fek]

about a month ago i was coming home from the pub. you know nothing new just all trashed and sh!t walkin into telephone poles you know the regular drunk walk home. so i get to the bottom of my stairway to walk up to the 3rd floor where we live and i get to the second floor and (dont ask how) but i managed to flip over and fall going up the stairs. it appears that i tried to walk over the bannister keeping people from falling off the stairs and i fell up them. woke up the next morning with a big bruise on my laft hand and a nice cut on my knee rofl

 

[Tobolo]

Originally posted by: HotChic

Originally posted by: PAB

I read that whole thing without looking at the poster name, and as soon as I saw the name sebastian I scrolled back up to check because I figured it was you.

Yeah I did the same thing. Add the gay bar to PABs scroll.

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: Tobolo

Originally posted by: HotChic

Originally posted by: PAB

I read that whole thing without looking at the poster name, and as soon as I saw the name sebastian I scrolled back up to check because I figured it was you.

Yeah I did the same thing. Add the gay bar to PABs scroll.

If that scroll was even remotely funny, maybe. The thing that made the Jerboy scroll funny is that it included, word for word, what his issues were. The PAB scroll just takes the topic of any PAB post and adds the word "sucks" on the end even if the post wasn't particularly funny or ranting that something sucks.

 

[BUTCH1]

We had our company picnic @ a local water park in aug., upon arriving I discovered
that Korona and heineiken were being served. I don't drink that often but free Korona??
I drank 9 of 'em and consumed my bodyweight in chicken wings. Since I knew I was not
in any condition to drive I went the shallow end of the wave pool and passed out. After
1-2 hrs the lifeguards came over and started poking me and saying "are you ok sir?"
it was so embarrassing, I looked like a stricken marine mammal that tried to beach
itself.....

 

[Atheus]

I would but most of my good stories are a bit much for the mods:

"Your explicit, illegal drug pursuits are not appropriate subject matter for our forums."

*shrug

 

[AreaCode707]

Originally posted by: Atheus
I would but most of my good stories are a bit much for the mods:

"Your explicit, illegal drug pursuits are not appropriate subject matter for our forums."

*shrug

So you have no stories that are not explicit and involve illegal drugs?