lol
They are variants of GF/Wife Upgrade & How to Give a Cat a Bath email chain letters that have been floating around the internet for the last 5~6years.
Wife Upgrade/Girl Friend Upgrade:
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 8.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity.
He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming version, Wife 2.0.
A "Don't remind me again" button
Minimize button
An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode, which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 9.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 9.0 on top of Wife 1.0. You must uninstall Wife 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long-standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 8.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of Girlfriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
***** BUG WARNING *****
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
***** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *****
To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.
Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
How to Give a Cat a Bath:
Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they lick themselves clean. Well, contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach). Cats, like their nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors... from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct.
Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness, and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A four-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along with a helmet, face mask, and welder's gloves.
2. A bathtub with a glass enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain. A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5 seconds.
3. Have the Kitty Bubbles and towel in the enclosed bathtub area beforehand. No, blow-drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
4. Draw the water, making it a little warmer than needed, as you still need to find the cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in the tub.
5. Find your cat. Use the element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No need to worry about the cat noticing your strange attire; the cat barely notices you anyway.
6. Once you and the cat are inside the bathroom, speed is essential. In one single liquid motion, shut the door to the bathroom, step into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part of him is above the water line. You have just begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have no handles and now he has soapy fur. His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a wet hornet.
7. As best you can, wearing welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully exposed.
8. During the five seconds you are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to worry about rinsing. As he slides down the glass enclosure into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing himself in the process.
9. Only attempt the lather and rinse process about three times. The cat will realize the lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the next attempt on the first available part of you.
10. Next, the cat must be dried. No, this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage, you are worn out and the cat has just become semipermanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest here that you drain the tub in full view of your cat. Reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
11. If you have done step 10 correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better position for wrapping the towel around him.
12. Be sure you firmly wrap the cat in a towel before opening the tub enclosure. Open the door, put the towel-wrapped cat on the floor, and step back quickly. Do not open the enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
13. In about two hours, it will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog while plotting revenge.
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