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Tales of Stupid Criminals.

F

Fausto

Elite Member
Neighbor/friend just started a new career as a probation officer. Needless to say, he comes home with some pretty funny stories about Dekalb County's best and brightest.

Tale #1- Be Nice to the Judge.

Kid gets busted for weed posession. Gets 90 days probation and community service. Blows off both. Gets hauled in, put in front of the judge and is looking at an extra 15 days of prob and CS on top of his original sentence. Judge is scolding him, and apparently has a bit of a stuttering problem.

Kid makes fun of judge's stutter.

Judge slaps on an extra 30 days probation and more CS.

Kid gets pissed and calls the judge a "B*tch Motherfscker!!"

Judge slaps on a another 45 days.

Including the original 15 day penalty, the kid has now doubled his sentence because he couldn't keep his mouth shut. 😀


Tale #2- Be nice to the Judge: Redux

Kid gets busted for posession of weed and an unlicensed pistol. Is hauled in. It happens to be a Friday, so there's no way they can get him on the docket; as such he'll be spending the weekend in jail and will appear before the judge on Monday.

Kid's mom arrives.

Reads my neighbor the Riot Act regarding the weekend jail stay.

Neighbor hands her off to his supervisor.

Mom reads supervisor the Riot Act.

Sup relents and agrees to let her speak to the judge on the kid's behalf.

Mom reads the judge the Uber-Nuclear Riot Act.

Judge says: "Fine. We'll see your son today."

Kid appears before judge, who is now extremely pissed off after listening to She-Beast cuss him out.

Kid gets max sentence. 😀


Tale #3- DON'T USE THE POSTAL SERVICE, DUMBASS!!

Guy wants to import large quantities of ecstacy from Holland. Decides to have approx 30,000 pills shipped to his home via the US Postal Service.

Postal inspector (shock) inspects the obviously-suspicious packages. Finds X.

USPS sends agents dressed as regular delivery guys to house to "deliver" the goods.

There are three packages.

They hand the guy two and ask him to sign.

Guy says "Where's the other one?"

Guy is busted. Like, really, really, really busted.

Guy is looking at a sh*tload of federal time.

Most of the time is based on having used the USPS for illicit purposes, rather than the drugs themselves. 😀




All for now. I'll post more as I hear them.
 
Originally posted by: Fausto
Neighbor/friend just started a new career as a probation officer. Needless to say, he comes home with

Kid gets pissed and calls the judge a "B*tch Motherfscker!!"
Click to expand...

HAHAHAHA what a dumbass!
 
Just recalled another one:

Tale #4- The Judge Can Probably Tell You're Lying to Him

Kid gets busted for I forget what. Is looking at a pretty stiff sentence as a repeat offender.

Kid is a 17 year old 9th-grader.

Judge asks kid what kind of grades he gets.

Kid says "Mostly A's and B's."

Judge says "Okay then, come see me after summer school with that kind of report card and you won't serve time."

Lawyers, Baliff, and everyone else in the court are trying not to piss themselves laughing.

Kid has blanched and is looking rather unwell. 😀
 
One of my friends is a county sherriff (Wayne County in Detroit, not like Dukes of Hazzard) and one of their jobs is to do guard duty shifts and functions at the mental/criminal ward (i.e. criminally insane). He was some of the most frightening stories you would ever want to "not hear".
He told us this one about a guy they called "the spoon man", this guy had open wounds on his arms that he would get sexual pleasure from shoving objects into, namely his silverware (they only allow spoons for obvious reasons) and when they took away his silverware he got a serious blood infection from shoving chicken bones up there.

Stuff horror movies are made of.
 
hahahah #2 is great.

yeah good idea to b~tich out the judge. yeah that is a good idea.

heh poor kid getting max because his mother is a retard.
 
I have one, from back in my High School days:

Tale #1Y: Schoolwork does not justify crime:
I was in juvie court, waiting for my case (speeding ticket) to come on the docket. The kid two cases in front of me comes up.

Judge reads the charges, consisting of driving an unregistered vehicle, driving an unsafe vehicle, child under 16 driving a vehicle, speeding and truancy.

Judge asks the kid to tell his story.

Kid says he was working in shop class on a car with some friends. Kid needs some parts for the vehicle and decides to go to the local Napa Auto to get them. Kid is also 14 and has a record to begin with.

Kid decides to take another in-progress vehicle from shop class to Napa, missing among other things working seatbelts and signal lamps. Kid does this 15~30 minutes into the class and neglects to even vaguely inform the teacher.

Kid drives to Napa Auto very cautiously, picks up the parts with no hiccups.

Kid decides since the drive there went so well he can relax on the drive back. (less than a mile)

Kid guns it out of the parking lot, turns onto the street in front of the school and speeds past the local PD.

Kid gets pulled over. Serious ass-chewing by school advisors later ensues.

Judge asks the kid why he has plead Not Guilty.

Kid responds, "well I was doing it for class."

My mother and I simultaneously slap our foreheads.

Judge gives him loads of community service and puts 3 points on the driver's license he has yet to get, which will stay there until he is 17.


Good? 😀
 
Originally posted by: Fausto
Tale #2- Be nice to the Judge: Redux

Kid gets busted for posession of weed and an unlicensed pistol. Is hauled in. It happens to be a Friday, so there's no way they can get him on the docket; as such he'll be spending the weekend in jail and will appear before the judge on Monday.

Kid's mom arrives.

Reads my neighbor the Riot Act regarding the weekend jail stay.

Neighbor hands her off to his supervisor.

Mom reads supervisor the Riot Act.

Sup relents and agrees to let her speak to the judge on the kid's behalf.

Mom reads the judge the Uber-Nuclear Riot Act.

Judge says: "Fine. We'll see your son today."

Kid appears before judge, who is now extremely pissed off after listening to She-Beast cuss him out.

Kid gets max sentence. 😀
Click to expand...

OWNED
 
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