Staying friends with a girl after she gets married

[Triumph]

One of my best friends is now engaged. They go to school far away from me, so I've never even met the guy (I know her from home). So it isn't like I'm really friends with him. But now it feels like I can't do anything just with her. We used to go yard saling, backpacking, baseball games, etc etc. And you just don't do that with some guy's wife! I dunno, it just seems wrong. Like I don't even know him; he might think I'm trying to move in on his chick or something. It just seems socially unacceptable for a guy to hang out with another guys wife, even if you were friends with her long before he ever came around.

Before anyone says anything:
- I'm not jealous
- I'm not secretly in love with her
- I'm not hoping to split up their engagement

I guess I could do things with the both of them. But it's more like, it's the end of a friendship, at least the way it once was. Anyone else experience something like this with female friends?

And I refuse to put a "YAGT" in my thread title

 

[rudeguy]

its not the end of a friendship....its a change...at least try to get to know the guy before you dismiss the idea of all three of you (or four if you have a special someone) doing things together...her life is moving in the right direction...help her with it!!!

 

[MrDingleDangle]

Originally posted by: rudeguy5757
its not the end of a friendship....its a change...at least try to get to know the guy before you dismiss the idea of all three of you (or four if you have a special someone) doing things together...her life is moving in the right direction...help her with it!!!

 

[iwearnosox]

The soon to be husband will most likely not like you hanging out. He'll make it increasingly uncomfortable for her to have anything to do with you until the entire substance of your relationship is a yearly xmas card.

 

[Triumph]

Originally posted by: rudeguy5757
its not the end of a friendship....its a change...

We fear change.

 

[0roo0roo]

u get married, then its all cool. u both get bad divorces and fall in love. like in "when harry met sally"

 

[RalphKramden]

It's over.

 

[Comp625]

Originally posted by: iwearnosox
The soon to be husband will most likely not like you hanging out. He'll make it increasingly uncomfortable for her to have anything to do with you until the entire substance of your relationship is a yearly xmas card.

Wow that is such a harsh, kick in the balls comment.

 

[LSUfan]

Originally posted by: Triumph
One of my best friends is now engaged. They go to school far away from me, so I've never even met the guy (I know her from home). So it isn't like I'm really friends with him. But now it feels like I can't do anything just with her. We used to go yard saling, backpacking, baseball games, etc etc. And you just don't do that with some guy's wife! I dunno, it just seems wrong. Like I don't even know him; he might think I'm trying to move in on his chick or something. It just seems socially unacceptable for a guy to hang out with another guys wife, even if you were friends with her long before he ever came around. Before anyone says anything: - I'm not jealous - I'm not secretly in love with her - I'm not hoping to split up their engagement I guess I could do things with the both of them. But it's more like, it's the end of a friendship, at least the way it once was. Anyone else experience something like this with female friends? And I refuse to put a "YAGT" in my thread title

She is off limits now unless she ask's first. Unless you bring along a date you will be putting a little stress on your relationship with her and him. My advice is to try to meet him the first time with a date. After that he will know your relationship with her. just my advice, may be wrong. Good Luck

 

[iwearnosox]

Originally posted by: Comp625

Originally posted by: iwearnosox
The soon to be husband will most likely not like you hanging out. He'll make it increasingly uncomfortable for her to have anything to do with you until the entire substance of your relationship is a yearly xmas card.

Wow that is such a harsh, kick in the balls comment.

No it's not, it's reality. I've seen it enough times and know enough people to feel confident that'll be the case. It's got nothing to do with him, most guys just don't need other guys hanging out with their wives.

 

[bonk102]

Originally posted by: rudeguy5757
its not the end of a friendship....its a change...at least try to get to know the guy before you dismiss the idea of all three of you (or four if you have a special someone) doing things together...her life is moving in the right direction...help her with it!!!

i couldn't agree more

 

[rudeguy]

Originally posted by: Triumph

Originally posted by: rudeguy5757
its not the end of a friendship....its a change...

We fear change.

life is about changes man...I dont want to get too deep here...but think about how you were 3 years ago...did you change??? what if your friends left you because you changed? its not fair...if you really value her as a friend you will find a way to make this work....and if you dont want to make it work, thats understandable too!
Just dont assume that your friendship is over

 

[jlind23]

Well my situation was a hair different.....but here goes.

A girl I met in college whom the first night we met we were a bit drunk and fooled around a bit. Since that night nothing ever progressed romantically, although it was mostly due to bad timing, the friendship did grow. But after about four years of hanging out on an individual and with the "gang" basis (Baseball Games, Road Trips, Camping, Bars, etc.), I met my future wife. We still kept in contact and did occassional things together (with and without my wife) for the next 3 or 4 years, but I always sensed a bit of awkwardness. About 3 years ago she got married (Which my wife and I attended) and our contact has dropped significantly and the awkwardness has increased. This past season we (her and I) went to a Av's game and through talking we have both changed and had several uncomfortable silent moments. So I think now we are 10 years since our first meeting and on the road to the yearly christmas card and occassional e-mail. Also, we live about 45 minutes from each other.

Hopefully, your friendship will progress. But I would say if you want to keep the friendship the soon to be hubby needs to be in the picture.

 

[Yossarian]

I'm still friends with only one girl whom I knew before she got married. Her husband is cool and we get along well, that's about the only reason. Being single myself, I just don't relate to the married thing very well.

 

[Triumph]

This is depressing. Some of you are saying it can work, but I'm thinking it won't. At the very least, things surely won't be the same.

 

[radioouman]

ehhh, just don't do anything until she asks first.

I'm sort of in the opposite situation. I was married last July, but about 2-3 months before my wedding, one of my female friends from college emailed me and told me to give her a call. I hadn't talked to this girl in about two years other than email or IM. However, we were good friends while we were in college, and we liked each other but never acted on it.

So, I told my fiance. She obviously got a little upset and jealous about it. I deleted the email and never called that girl back. It wasn't worth screwing up a relationship with my fiance...

You'll be that third person too. Unless you meet her husband, he will be very jealous, no matter how cool she is about it. Don't screw them up.

I'd just move on and find new friends if I were you. Just do the Christmas card thing.

 

[Crimzon]

Oh, things surely won't be the same, unless this guy has no jeleously at all... which I highly doubt. If he sees you two as a brother/sister type relationship, I'm sure he wouldn't mind the occasional outing that you and she went on... but the second he startes getting jeleous, it's over. I'm not in that situation yet, but on a smaller lvl any time a close female friend gets a bf/gf I see a lot less of them.

 

[Ordo1999]

No it's not, it's reality. I've seen it enough times and know enough people to feel confident that'll be the case. It's got nothing to do with him, most guys just don't need other guys hanging out with their wives.

Very True...

 

[Mill]

I am still good friends with my old girlfriend/bestfriend from HS. She now has a kid and is getting married soon. Her current boyfriend has never liked me(he has only tolerated me). I still do stuff with her, as well as calling her several times a month. He knows that nothing would ever go on with us, but still acts like an ass at times. She basically ignores what he has to say about the situation and doesn't allow it to affect the relationship between us.

 

[SnapIT]

Originally posted by: Comp625

Originally posted by: iwearnosox
The soon to be husband will most likely not like you hanging out. He'll make it increasingly uncomfortable for her to have anything to do with you until the entire substance of your relationship is a yearly xmas card.

Wow that is such a harsh, kick in the balls comment.

Yup, but so very true...

 

[PricklyPete]

I definitely know the situation that you are in. I can relate exactly. One of my best friends in highschool was a girl and one of my best friends in college was a girl. Both of them are married now and I am not. My highschool best friend married a guy I didn't know very well and I wasn't a big fan of him when I met him. Anyway, I really could never become friends with him and really had no interest in hanging out with him. It ended up that he and my friend moved to Boston and I stopped keeping up with them after that. I did see them recently as they were visiting family and it looks like they will be moving back...so we'll see if I am able to become better friends with them...but it probably won't change things much.

On the other hand, my college best friend was a totally different situation. While her boyfriend/husband was suspicious of me at first, we quickly became very good friends, and now I am almost a better friend of his than his wife. Because of this friendship, he totally trusts me with his wife and we do things alone together all the time.

So I guess a big part of it was how well I get along with the husbands. I also think that I had a more well rounded relationship with my friend from college. We did everything together from going to concerts, rock climbing, camping, partying, etc. My best friend from highschool was one of those girls that you just talked to about everything...past that we might have gone to some movies or whatnot...but not much. I would feel weird calling my best friend from highschool on regular basis just to talk....whereas I would not feel the least bit weird to call up my college friend to see if she wanted to kayak.

 

[Triumph]

Well I don't think I'll ever become friends with him like I am/was with her. That just takes time. And I don't make good friends very easily. Well, I guess I will just have to see what happens.

Now the question is - do I bring this issue up with her?

 

[cmv]

My take: It ain't going to be the same until you get a partner and then you can do things as a foursome. Threesomes are usually just plain awkward. I'm not saying that couldn't work but hey...

Personally I wouldn't bring it up with her unless she brought it up with me. I'd just be happy for her that she found someone and is experiencing new things in life. Sometimes a break is ok in a friendship. What I'm really getting at is I don't think it will ever be like it was before. When people couple up basically friends move out a ring from the central relationship. That is what I usually see... It's sort of like the OSI networking model with the couple at layer 0, and the friends, relatives, and strangers, on the layers respectively moving outward from 0 .

 

[cmv]

On the other hand, my college best friend was a totally different situation. While her boyfriend/husband was suspicious of me at first, we quickly became very good friends, and now I am almost a better friend of his than his wife. Because of this friendship, he totally trusts me with his wife and we do things alone together all the time.

Well that is very good to hear. So maybe the bleak picture I painted above is not as common as I had thought.

 

[rh71]

I'm 25 and engaged, and this is the time when all my friends are either getting engaged and/or about to marry. You cannot do anything with the chick alone any longer. Even they would suggest to bring your gf/fiance so they (the chick) can bring her fiance/husband.

Sad but true. We had a "couples" outing just 2 weekends ago. I feel so old...