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Southern Hospitality Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanit

FettsBabe

Diamond Member
Oct 21, 1999
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Southern Hospitality

Southern Hospitality Warnings issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they just might kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray,Tammy, Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy,etc.) These people have been known to kick a man's ass for less.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr.Pepper, 7-Up or whatever else -- it's still a Coke. Just accept it.

4) Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the Big 12, SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Texas, Oklahoma,Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.) All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play wussy teams like Oregon. We'll kick their ass, too.

5) Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner
Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit
Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended,and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.

9) Spare us your drivel about gun control. We are smart enough to understand that guns are just inanimate objects, and human evil is responsible for violent crime. If you blather on about guns causing crime, we will send you to one of our prisons so you can learn about human nature first hand. In this particular case, however, we will NOT kick your ass. It's going to be sore enough once you're introduced to "shower love" by the sweet harmless inmates. (Who says Southerners aren't considerate?)

10) Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

11) We don't care if you think hunting and meat-eating is barbaric. We live closer to nature and understand the real world far better than you. If you think real woodland creatures behave like you see in those silly Disney movies, we will be glad to send you to the forest so the wildlife can kick some education into your ignorant ass.

12) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, New York, and DC, and have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here,
Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before we kick it.

13) Don't preach any holier-than-thou crap about racism, or we'll just repeat the words "Howard Beach" and "Rodney King LA riots" while we kick your ass.

14) We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.

15) We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's
all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.

16) Don't laugh at us because we like NASCAR. Watching NASCAR may be low-brow, but it still beats the hell out of degenerate coffee-house movies about effiminate girly-guys swapping lipstick.

17) Don't complain that the south is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about our scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way into Boston Harbor and watch you dissolve.

18) Shut the hell up about our southern foods. If quiche, tofu, and sparkling water are so great, why the hell do all of you pale, scrawny wimps look like you have one foot stuck in your graves? Get between us and our dinner plates, and we'll kick your weak pasty little ass.

19) Don't ridicule our southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to women because those such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick manners into your
ass like they did to us.

20) You think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in suburbs or the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our lawns and fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

21) Don't call us uneducated. We're smart enough to know Oliver Stone movies are just paranoid, drug-induced revisionist fantasies. Try telling us that demented garbage like "Natural Born Killers" is a deep piece of cinema relevant to the American condition and watch how fast we kick your ass.

22) Don't call us mindless and backwards. We're not the idiots who worship fat-cat Kennedys and European royalty, and sorry, but we just didn't feel like collapsing into weeping hysteria over Diana and John-John. We reserve
our respect for people who actually earn their own way in life, instead of marrying money or being born rich. Your criticism doesn't count because you're fools, and it's easy and fun to kick a fool's ass.

23) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

Any questions?:D:):D;)
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
20,999
109
106
LOL! This yankee goes to South Carolina a few times a year, and I can personally attest to the wisdom contained in warning #1. Made the mistake of getting an omelet at a Waffle House once and about an hour later thought I was going to hurl. We then decided their motto ought to be "Just eat the friggin' waffles!" And that night at the bar we tried to figure out how to knock the "W" off their sign.

And the southerners I have met are very polite. Why, when I was there last month they even gave me a package of Microwave Pork Rinds to take home!
 

Anybody

Senior member
Dec 16, 1999
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While down to Atlanta for a friends wedding my friends and I stopped at a waffle house for breakfast (our bad). We went around the table ordering and my friend piped up.. "I'll take a number 4 with onions" A number 4 was an omlete. The cook actually came over and asked.... "Do you want the onions on top or cooked in it?" He said "Ummm cooked in it" and then... we got our food... and their was my friends breakfast.. a stack of waffles.. with onions cooked into em. He told him "Uh..I ordered a number 4... thats supposed to be an omlete" the cooks cryptic reply (in a horrid southern drawl) "We don't order by the number down heeeereee"



Sheesh
 

Chef0083

Golden Member
Dec 9, 1999
1,184
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I especially like how all of them end with somebody getting their assed KICKED!!!.. hehehehehe :D
 

unxpurg8d

Golden Member
Apr 7, 2000
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HEY!! I LOVE microwave pork rinds!! :p If I had some to spare, I'd even share. (Guiltily looking at the case on top of the cupboard.) That's hysterical, Fettsbabe! Btw, I'm down in Fayetteville. Muhahaha. :)
 

Ulfwald

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
May 27, 2000
8,646
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76
AMEN FETTS!

All the yankees ask why we southern folk dislike them so much, I tell them it's because they come down here and try to change our way of living.
 

FettsBabe

Diamond Member
Oct 21, 1999
3,708
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unxpurg8d - I have family that live in Fayetteville, and also in Lumberton. However, I'm in Lexington, which is about 10 minutes from Winston-Salem.
 

FettsBabe

Diamond Member
Oct 21, 1999
3,708
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Yep, thats one reason why I'm such a fan of Wake Forest plus I want to attend their law school. :D
 

chess9

Elite member
Apr 15, 2000
7,748
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FettsBabe:

That's a hoot! I'm married to a redneck, so I know all of it is TRUE! (Except one teeny tiny part. The Cuyahoga River caught fire, not Lake Erie. But who cares?)
 

FettsBabe

Diamond Member
Oct 21, 1999
3,708
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The sheriff's name is Hege. You always hear bad things about him, but he has really improved the county. Most law abiding citizens like him! He also has his own tv show. Its funny to watch him nail the criminals.

Chess - You married a redneck. HEHE
 

kranky

Elite Member
Oct 9, 1999
20,999
109
106
Directions I was given in Alabama once:
&quot;Go down Old Mill Road and turn right at the Waffle House. Go about three miles until you pass the Waffle House and then bear right at the Farnsworth place. Then when you get to the Waffle House that's about a mile before you get to I-65 turn right on South Street. Don't turn at the sign that says turn right here to go to Decatur.&quot;

&quot;How do I know when I'm a mile before I-65? And I am going to Decatur. Can't I follow the signs?&quot;

&quot;No, you don't want to go that way. Can opener up on that road.&quot;

&quot;Huh? Can opener on the road?&quot;

&quot;No, can opener up on that road. Go the way I told you.&quot;

&quot;What do you mean, can opener?&quot;

&quot;(speaking slowly this time) You can't open 'er up on that road. Too many police. Go the way I told you and you can go faster.&quot;

&quot;OK, gotcha.&quot; (note to self: just follow the signs and don't speed)
 

oldandquitemad

Senior member
Jun 15, 2000
591
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Well at least I ain't from Tampa, Alberta.
And I was a registered Sarasota County boy for years, which puts ME south of YOU (by about 20 miles). And anyhooo, I been to Florida, ain't no sutherners down there. Everybody was from Nu Yerk and Meesheegan.
 

yakko

Lifer
Apr 18, 2000
25,455
2
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oldandquitemad,

You may have been registered but I was born and raised. My family was not from Nu Yerk or Meesheegan either.
 

Ulfwald

Moderator Emeritus<br>Elite Member
May 27, 2000
8,646
0
76
Ok folks, i am from Alabama, now live in georgia. And as far as I am concerned you need a passport to cross the Mason Dixon line. Worst 2 weeks of my life were spent in Boston Mass, Why? Because every where I went people told me that I was well spoken for a damn rebel. everytime I heard that, I just wanted to tell them, If you don't like the South, then you should have just let us leave the Union. But instead, I just smiled and said thank you, btw, I am getting a de-vorce from my wife next week, but she is still my cousin, so I still haf to put up with 'er dang-nabbit!
 

AMDJunkie

Diamond Member
Dec 6, 1999
3,429
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71


<< And anyhooo, I been to Florida, ain't no sutherners down there. Everybody was from Nu Yerk and Meesheegan. >>

You've obviously never been to Central Florida (Orlando doesn't count, we don't know how a city got there).
 

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